


Unused and Alternate Chapters

by StrexRep



Series: Welcome to StrexCorp [3]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Addiction, Archive warnings not used because I can't tell you what will be in here, Cannibalism, Death, Drugs, Dub/Non warning, Gaslighting, Gore, If I need to add more I will, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Multi, On another fanfic, Some of these tags are related to the main fics rather than the chapter her, Strexstuff, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Trauma, Unused chapters, Vore, extras, just tell me if you see one I need to?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:55:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 43
Words: 62,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24717172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrexRep/pseuds/StrexRep
Summary: Unused and Alternate Chapters for my "Welcome To StrexCorp" (Citrus and Sunshine, Your Ghosts) series.YG Alts:[Act 2 Alt summery; Kevin and Carlos getting along in the Desert Otherworld and falling in love][Act 4 Alt summery; The mudstone abyss expanded][Act 5 Alt summery; Kevin and Charles domestic fluff and the fall of Desert Bluffs Too]
Series: Welcome to StrexCorp [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1729216
Kudos: 2





	1. CITRUS AND SUNSHINE - How Should I Kill You? (Following Vortex; Part 2)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Your Ghosts](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23753122) by [StrexRep](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrexRep/pseuds/StrexRep). 



> ^ I will add Special Training and Beautiful Maladies to the Summary when I'm posting them.
> 
> So, these might be a bit of a jumble because I will be posting them side-to-side with the chapters they are an alternate to or the chapter before where they would be in the main fiction. This means that if I have an alternate chapter for Citrus and Sunshine, it might be in the middle of a bunch of Alternate chapters of Your Ghosts.  
> SO... please use the chapter index if you're looking for a specific chapter. 
> 
> Chapters will be labeled in the following format;
> 
> MAIN FIC TITLE - Alternate chapter title (main chapter title)  
> OR  
> MAIN FIC TITLE - Chapter title (Following [chapter name]) 
> 
> For Act 2 of Your Ghosts, most have the same title as the titles in the main fic. I will label Your Ghosts Act 2 as;
> 
> YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Chapter title 2 (main chapter title if different). 
> 
> Enjoy ~

_ If looks could kill, that’s what I’d do. Just a look and she’d be out of the way. Unfortunately, that’s not how the world works (at least it isn’t today, I can’t comment on what will happen in the future).  _

Handwriting pulled across the page along with Daniel’s eyes. He was so tired. The smell of smoke had already tainted his apartment. A near empty packet of cigarettes sitting next to him on his table as he leant over his journal. 

_ So now there is a question. How should I kill Vanessa. It’s obvious that I should.  _

_ How and when, that’s what I need to think of. Where?  _

_ It would make sense to enlist the aid of the man who sits outside the station. Alex, I think he said his name was. He claims to be her boyfriend but Kevin claims otherwise. Kevin would. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind parting with some information if I made out that it would get her back. Find out where she lives. Find out where she goes. Maybe.  _

He had been texting Alex. It was wonderful. The man was very insightful and spoke passionately about injustice and people being treated equally. Daniel wasn’t sure Alex had the right side of the argument all the time but he was certainly passionate about it. He had phoned a few nights ago and ranted to Daniel for hours on how women hated feminism and ‘beta males’. Daniel had no idea what a ‘beta male’ was but just listened and agreed anyway.

He sighed deeply, wiping tears from his face as he wrote. He thought about a few ways he could kill her. Stab her on her way home. Choke her against the control panel. It made him feel sick thinking about it. That hadn’t been the case earlier but now his head was clearer and he could think about what was really going on. A few other scenarios ran through his head and he grasped his mouth. He couldn’t keep thinking about this. 

_ Maybe I should let things happen as they come. I shouldn’t be seeking out what to do but instead let opportunity present itself and not pass it up. Really, death is everywhere isn’t it? Kevin didn’t say that she was murdered. She might just die right?  _

At this he lit another cigarette, taking a deep drag and blowing out. It was much easier than it was earlier. He was glad that debating murdering someone wasn’t really a crime as long as you followed the proper steps. He had ripped the page out, burnt it, and blown the ashes out of the window. His assigned Secret Police Officer gave him thumbs up about the disposal but leant on his window. There wasn’t much he could tell about the person with their uniform on, but he could tell they were attractive by their voice. 

“Look, I think you maybe need some help.” The officer suggested with a shrug, passing Daniel a card with a phone number on it, “My therapist is super good. Let me know how it goes. I mean, I’ll know anyway because of the whole… following you thing… but let’s chat.” 

“Isn’t that a bit, you know…” Daniel questioned, forcing the officer to recite the compulsory  _ ‘do not ask questions Daniel Soto’ _ , “... a conflict of interest?” 

“I mean, I’m not asking you to dinner or anything.” 

“I guess not.” 

Daniel stared at the card and took a deep breath. It was probably for the best that he saw someone. Had someone who wasn’t Alex to tell about what happened. He didn’t really want the man to know he had been thinking about murder. 


	2. CITRUS AND SUNSHINE - Therapy (Following Dinner)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel's first therapy session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I forgot this went after. I stopped writing this one half way through, so it does kind of cut off. 
> 
> So I decided not to include this in the main fic because I don't want to focus on Daniel in C&S (He'll be focused on in Special Training) but also because I don't feel like it needs to happen explicitly. The transition to Daniel being calm again is a little jarring without it, perhaps, but in more real terms the focus isn't on Daniel doing things and there is little need to have this in there, especailly when I don't focus on Vanessa's (who is one of the main characters of this fic) therapy and recovery more than a few flashbacks and situations rising in Act 2. I mean, realistically I could have taken out the whole of the Vortex sub-arc and just let this be a tropey fluffy Act 1 leading up to the more angsty Act 2 but fluff for over 40 chapters doesn't appeal to me, especailly when it comes to writing for Kevin. I need some drama to keep me going guys. I need to hurt the characters. 
> 
> Still, the fluff shall resume soon.

Daniel gave a small huff as the tape recorder clicked on. The doctor was neither friendly looking, nor the type of person he wanted to be sharing something so personal with. She had a clinical air about her and was definitely annoyed to have more patients. He figured this must be a product of everyone who had stumbled through the portal and come back with nightmares beyond their own comprehension. He was only adding to a pile of personal and professional issues that this doctor had and he felt it. Still, he was here and couldn’t exactly stay silent for long. 

“Patient is Daniel Soto. Daniel has been having homicidal thoughts since entering the Vortex. Daniel, do you consent to me recording our session for research purposes?” 

“I consent to you using this recording for research purposes.” Daniel answered. It’s how she had told him to answer, but it also wasn’t wrong. If they could find something out from these pointless sessions, all the better. 

“May I know who your fantasies revolve around?” 

“An intern at the radio station.” 

The doctor nodded and then smiled. With formalities out of the way, she seemed to be trying to be more friendly and personable, although Daniel could tell this was more of a bed-side manner thing than legitimate concern or friendliness. 

“Hi, Daniel. My name is Dr. Berry, but you can call my Sophie. I find the title a bit… formal.” 

He just nodded, offering her a cigarette before sparking his own. She took one but put it in her pocket. 

“You can’t smoke in here. We can have a smoke together after the session has ended, if there is anything you do not want to say on the recording. These sessions are confidential and you can consent to certain information being used and other information not being used.” 

Another nod and Daniel stubbed out his cigarette in the top of the box. 

“So, Daniel, we can talk about anything you like. Anything on your mind. It doesn’t even need to be about the Vortex.” 

“Are you in love, Sophie?” Daniel asked, narrowing his eyes at her. Despite the Bluffs being a small town where most people knew most people, there were still certain niches of people and Daniel tended to stick to his own; radio. He remembered Sophie from his night drinking with Kevin but knew nothing about her because she wasn’t part of his niche. 

“I am. Are you, Daniel?” 

“Yeah. Do they love you back?” 

“She does, very much. What about the person you love?” 

“No.” Daniel said it bluntly, going to take a drag of the stubbed out cigarette before realising his error, “Let’s say he likes someone else.”

Sophie stared at him for a few moments before taking a deep breath. She didn’t want to seem shocked or defensive but she had a good idea who he was talking about now and knowing that you are sitting across from someone who is fantasizing about killing one of your friends was a lot for her to take in. 

“How does that make you feel?”

“I don’t care about that so much…” Daniel started, pausing to assess her reaction before he continued. She simply gave him a small nod of encouragement and let him continue, “... In the Vortex… I saw him and we were together. He says it’s some alternate universe or something but I was there. Me but future me. He was expecting me. I don’t think that it was an alternate universe, I think it was our future. If I’m picking a side, I’m picking the one that means I come out on top.” 

“Why?” 

“What do you mean ‘why’? Why wouldn’t I?” 

“Well, it seems to be denying you friendships in the present. What could they offer you that would be better than happiness in the present? How do you know that the you in that future was even happy?” 

“Well…” Daniel thought. He couldn’t answer. He didn’t know. She made a really good point and it was certainly one he hadn’t expected, “I suppose I don’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note about Acts -
> 
> I'm calling them 'Acts' for lack of a better word.
> 
> At current, here is the structure I'm expecting if anyone is interested;
> 
> Citrus and Sunshine - 2 Acts (Fluffy lovely, Strex takeover).  
> Special Training - At least 3 Acts (Diego-led Arc, Lauren-led Arc, Model Employee Arc).  
> Your Ghosts - At least 5 Acts (Strex, Desert Otherworld (+Alt), Desert Bluffs Too, Charles, Desolation)   
> Beautiful Maladies - At least 5 Acts (Childhood, Teen years, Strex, Desert Bluffs Too, Excile) 
> 
> This might change. The only one set in stone is Citrus and Sunshine because of the definitive end point and time scale I've set. It happens over two years (If you ignore memory chapters) so you have Act 1 over about a year and a bit and then Act 2 fitting into the remaining time. The rest isn't so tight as although I've got a timer on ST, it's like 20 years. There's plenty that could happen. Your Ghosts is pretty set although I could split the Charles Act into more than one Act. I am not sure on how BM is going to go at all yet. I have ideas but like... that's it.


	3. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Descent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (No C&S parts)
> 
> Kevin finds someone else after so many years alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the start of the alternate version of Act 2. 
> 
> I use a lot more of Carlos' view point in this version and I won't be adding the C&S parts because there is more of 'there are real people around so Vanessa isn't'.

“Kevin, Look.” She tugged on his arm as they moved over a sand dune. In the distance was a house, some odd looking equipment, and more importantly a person. A real, living person. At least, he hadn’t seen this person before so he had to assume they were real. 

Perfect hair swayed in the soft breeze, only working to accentuate the man’s chiselled jawline and perfect, broad shoulders. He was beautiful. 

Kevin almost dropped his parasol as he stared, unsure how exactly to react to the fact that there was actually someone else here. There was someone here and they were so close to the mountain, to the lighthouse. As he descended towards the tiny settlement, the man had turned and looked so happy to see him. They had both broken into a run, not caring about what they were holding as they got closer and closer to one another. The two of them and only them. Real. Human. Warm. 

“Diego!”

“Cecil!” 

Neither of them had the mind to take in the obvious differences, nor the time before their lips were smashed together. Sloppy and slightly painful but it was home. At least until they’d both had a moment to process the excited shouts of the other. 

“Cecil?” 

“Diego?” 

The names had swapped as they took in the other person. Diego would never allow his hair to get so messy and would certainly not wear flannel. Cecil didn’t have scars or black eyes. 

“Kevin.” Carlos finally gasped, pushing the other man back hard enough for him to fall onto the sand. Carlos hadn’t met him before but he had heard of him and had heard Cecil describe him more than once in the past. His voice turned to anger. Nine years of waiting and trying his best to get home. Trapped here with no one else around and only Cecil through a screen to comfort him, what exactly had he done to deserve being now stuck with  _ Kevin. _ It barely registered with him that Kevin was dangerous as he started yelling down at him, “Why are you here? What are you doing? As if my life isn’t hard enough without having to deal with you too!” 

Kevin listened as Carlos vented, his frustration of being stuck in this desolate place and not being able to see his family or friends. All of this veiled in anger at Kevin’s very existence. All of this, rightfully, blamed on Kevin and Strex. All of this channeled into berating the smaller man. He listened, setting his chin on his hand as he stared up and fell deeper and deeper in love. 

“Are you even listening to me?” He eventually sighed, looking down at the two adoring eyes looking back up at him. He wondered for a moment how exactly he knew they were adoring him. Hypothesis: It was learnt from Cecil. Evidence: Carlos loved Cecil and Cecil loved Carlos. 

“Yes. Your voice is delightful. I like listening to you…” Kevin paused, thinking for a moment before putting the pieces together, “...Carlos? Is it?” 

“Yeah.” His voice dropped again, sounding sadder. Sounding exhausted, “How long have you been here?” 

“Hard to say…” Kevin’s voice cracked as he spoke, suddenly realising that he hadn’t spoken for a long time. He and Vanessa had started speaking in his head and his prayers had gone the same way. He had no way of knowing how long it had been since he had last spoken out loud, “... a long time.” 

They were silent for a few minutes, Carlos unable to put together a sentence and Kevin obediently waiting to be spoken to before speaking. The silence ended with the noise of vibrations from Carlos’ pocket. He had turned around and said nothing to Kevin before answering. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. How are you?” 

Kevin sat still and listened to one side of the conversation, letting his smile drop to a more relaxed face while Carlos was turned away. As soon as Carlos turned back, he would smile again. Carlos didn’t mention him to Cecil, who Kevin assumed was on the other end of the phone. He wasn't sure if he was happy about this fact. He was happy in general but he knew that Carlos was not. Carlos had made it very clear that he was not happy and Cecil could make Carlos happy. Kevin wondered if he could make Carlos happy too. It was the least he could do for the man who had been so offended by his existance.

They had a long conversation and Carlos had gone back into the house during it, Kevin following him but getting a sour look for doing so. This didn’t bother him much and he just continued to stand in the lab-kitchen that Carlos had built for himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Weather for Your Ghosts Act 2 Alternate (the whole thing is): [Temporary Bliss - The Cab](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnugraD0wOQ)


	4. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Stay (Unlocked Alternative).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alot happens... 
> 
> Carlos tells Kevin to leave but Kevin just ends up back at Carlos' house, giving him a strange offer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>warning<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
> 
> Oof...
> 
> Suicide warning (failed). I will label the paragraph with ******!******
> 
> Kevin using his trigger word warning, I will mark with *****N******* (It is Kevin using it, not Carlos. Carlos is not aware of it)

He was just standing there, not really sure what else to do. Carlos was busy on the phone and this wasn’t Kevin’s house to just sit and make himself comfortable. Instead he pulled out his bottle of water and set it on the side, gesturing to it when Carlos looked back at him.  Once the phone call had ended, Carlos turned back to Kevin and then looked again at the bottle. He tried his best to resist but every instinct in him was crying out for water. It felt incredible. Thick gulps of the warm liquid filling him with much needed moisture.

“Whoa, slow down!” Kevin started but quickly took back as Carlos swung an arm at him. It wasn’t meant to hurt him just to make him move away. To let Carlos drink as much as he wanted. Kevin knew this, he could tell by the lack of aim and the haphazard nature. So he simply watched as Carlos drank all he wanted and then promptly threw it back up onto the counter. 

“You haven’t drank in… nine years, did you say?” Kevin pondered, his arms crossed over his chest, “Small sips are better when dehydrated. Your body is less-...” 

“Shut up!” Carlos snapped, putting the bottle on the counter and spinning around to Kevin, “Just shut up.” 

“Well, that’s not-...” 

“Shush!” Carlos put a finger on Kevin’s lip, not anticipating the whimper this would produce. He had heard the man’s strange noises on the radio before but had assumed they were harder to summon than simply a finger on his lips, “Where did you get this?” 

“The bottle or the water?” 

“Both!” 

“The bottle is from the Strex waste facility.” This got a  _ ‘great’ _ but it seemed somewhat annoyed and not like this was great information, “The water is from underground. I used a mirror to get it clean. It took me a very long time to get what you just threw up. A  _ very long time _ .” 

“I wouldn’t be stuck if it wasn’t for you and your corporation, so I’m sorry if I wasted a  _ little bit of water _ .” Considering the lack of water in this place, he had actually wasted a lot of water, “I really don’t care if you walk through this desert alone for the rest of your life, Kevin, but the last person I want to spend my time here with is  _ you. _ ” 

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” His reply was neutral. It wasn’t sad but it certainly wasn’t his happy normal, “Even Lauren Mallard?” 

“Even Lauren Mallard!” 

“Huh…” 

Then there was a silence. Kevin’s eyes travelled to his water bottle again and then to Carlos. He was used to being places where he wasn’t wanted but he wasn’t used to being told to leave them. He placed the mirror he’d found on Carlos’ counter, gesturing to it but not explaining why he was putting it there. Carlos was a scientist, after all, and would know what to do with it. Then he turned and left. 

\--

**********!**************

“Really? I tell you to go so you come up here?” Carlos rolled his eyes, pacing the room of the lighthouse where he’d found Kevin. He came up here to see Cecil and that was obvious by the pictures on the wall where you could clearly see their house. The one above Kevin’s limp head was where Cecil currently was, shaving his face. A stark contrast from the scarred man who was propped against the wall below, “Why would you come here?” 

There was no response. Kevin hadn’t even seemed to acknowledge the question. Carlos should have been loud enough to wake him, or at least make him stir, if he was asleep. His eyes scanned for any other reason Kevin might not be replying but saw nothing. His pulse was weak, but still there. That wasn’t a surprise as nothing seemed to really die here unless it was practically dissected. He was breathing, although also weakly. He must have just been deep in his sleep, so Carlos took the most scientific method to wake him. 

Step one, place your hands on the shoulders of the person you are trying to wake up. Step two, shake.

Kevin still didn’t seem to respond, even when Carlos accidentally smacked his head against the brick wall behind him and left a patch of blood behind. New hypothesis: Kevin was passed out. If Kevin was passed out, Carlos would have no hope of waking him but needed to know why Kevin passed out. 

Hypothesis 1: Dehydration. Problem: Didn’t happen here.

Hypothesis 2: He was attacked by something. Problem: He had no fresh wounds.

Hypothesis 3: He saw some blood? Problem: It’s Kevin.

Hypothesis 4: He overdosed. Evidence: Small, round wounds on the inside of the elbow and side of the neck. Problem: On what? 

As the only hypothesis with evidence, Carlos had to follow it for now. This meant searching Kevin for whatever he had taken. The obvious place to start was his satchel and sure enough there was a bottle and needle right at the very top.

“ _ StrexCalm _ ” Carlos read, turning it and looking at the warning label “ _ This product is made to make users obedient. Any sign of disobedience should be reported to Dr. John Peter or Dr. Sophie Berry. Any questions? Call Lauren Mallard on...”  _

It took several moments to process this information. He reread it several times. Still, he couldn’t quite understand it until he looked back to Kevin. He had noticed the scar on his temples, which could have been from an accident, and the scars on his cheeks which he had assumed were self inflicted, as could be the scar where Carlos knew his third eye should be. He had even noticed the thick scar around his neck, although wasn’t sure what would leave such a mark. He hadn’t, however, seen Kevin with his jacket off. He hadn’t seen his arms before now. Covered with small burns, likely from electrodes. His hands covered in circular burns. The collection of scars on his wrists and pin pricks under his elbow. It was seeming less and less likely that all of these wounds were self-inflicted.

\---

“So, are we actually going to talk about this?” Carlos started, folding his arms over each other. Kevin was sitting again in his kitchen. Carlos had retrieved him from the lighthouse and set him on his sofa to wake up in his own time.

“What is there to talk about?” Kevin asked. He knew what there was to talk about. He didn’t want to talk about it.

“You tried to kill yourself in a desert where things don’t really die.” 

“They die, it’s just hard. Why do you think the masked army has all those arms?” Kevin pointed out, his sentence punctuated with a small laugh. Without looking at Carlos, he focused on licking his scars, ones that had broken, and it helped him feel normal, even if it was disgustingly abnormal. The taste, the smell, the feeling.

“Fine, but you didn’t try to kill yourself by cutting off an arm! You overdosed on this  _ StrexCalm _ stuff!” Carlos snapped, grabbing the bottle from his pocket and shoving it at Kevin. 

***************! end******************

[Talking about Medicine]

“Oh, there’s Lauren’s number on that.” Kevin hummed, “You could call her and spend your time with her. She’s somewhere around here. I will be needing that back, though.” 

“No! I read exactly what it does. You shouldn’t be taking this stuff.” 

“Well, if I don’t I become a blood thirty monster and kill the people I love. I rip them to shreds. Like Vanessa. Poor Vanessa… I painted the walls with her blood. Her head against the window… _Oh_ … I watched her face in that second… so calm. So  _ happy _ !” Kevin’s smile faded, staring at a small patch on the floor as contradicting memories tried to push into his head. They were obviously false memories, he thought, as he felt a heat in his temple. Strex had told him what he’d done to her. What horrible things he had done to sweet Vanessa. He had seen the evidence himself. Lived with it. She had trusted him. She had loved him.

“I can believe that.” Carlos started, putting the bottle back in his pocket and glaring at Kevin, “I also know that you’re a monster when you do take it, so I’m choosing that monster over the drugged up one.” 

“Oh… but it makes me happy, Carlos.” Kevin reached for the man’s pocket, Carlos hitting his hand away with one of his stirring rods. It must have had something on it because Kevin’s hand immediately hurt and itched almost unbearably. 

“Kevin… are you ok? You should wash…” 

“I’m fine, nothing I’m not used to.” He laughed, rubbing it off on the side of his jacket, “I should go. I can always get more of that from the waste facility, after all. I’ll leave you to your science. Remember to stay productive and smile often! Oh, and tell Cecil hi for me. I'm assuming you're still in contact, if not maybe yell it at the radio. I'm sure he'll hear.”

Carlos furrowed his eyebrows, letting Kevin get to the door before telling him to wait.

“I’m mad at you. Furious! Kevin! You hurt my family, my friends. You were obviously not fully in control but you still did that. Now I’m stuck without any of them. Without Cecil. That’s your fault and you don’t even seem to care! It doesn’t faze you how many lives you’ve ruined?”

Kevin nodded, turning back around and scratching his hand. It was his fault and he had fought hard to get to Night Vale specifically to hurt Cecil, so Kevin couldn’t even deny the wanting. Carlos had every right to be upset with him. 

“I can’t change that.” Kevin admitted, shrugging, “I can do whatever you want, Carlos, but I can’t change the past.” 

“Whatever I want?” Carlos spat, raising his arms to show his exasperation, “Can you let me see Cecil again? Let me hold him? Kiss him? Feel him near to me?”

Kevin shuffled, using his smile to hide his nerves. He watched Carlos, seeing him getting even more annoyed as Kevin’s smile continued to widen and widen until it hurt his face. Eventually Carlos threw his arms back down to his side with a harsh huff, shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

“If that’s what you want… I can stay pretty quiet.” Kevin offered.

The two stood staring at each other for a few minutes before Carlos mumbled a reply, asking if Kevin actually wanted that. He was enthusiastic about it, telling Carlos how he didn’t mind the wrong name, used to it in fact! He wanted to do everything he could to make up for the pain he had caused this beautiful man. Carlos told him it wouldn’t make up for anything, it would just be a comfort, but Kevin didn’t care. He wanted to do everything he could to make him happy. He just needed a moment to make sure he was covered, he had told Carlos. In reality, he knew he was fully covered if he was wearing his jacket. He knew that he didn't need to do anything. He just needed a moment alone.

Kevin slipped into the back room, where Carlos had made himself a bed out of giant cactus. He took a deep breath, forcefully rubbing his hand against his jacket to get off the remaining liquid that had now left a dark mark on his skin. 

************N***************

“Go to sleep, Kevin.” He whispered to himself, letting the odd sensation grow and letting the obedient, unfeeling, version of himself take the wheel. It made him far more confident. He knew he could stay silent, even not feel anything if he wanted. He knew he could do whatever Carlos wanted, even if he didn't feel fully in control.

*************N*************

-

Carlos waited, fiddling with his phone as he did. Cecil had called earlier, so assuming that he would call him again tomorrow night, Night Vale time, then Carlos had ten days to wait before talking to Cecil again. Ten days before hearing his voice. Ten days before having any comfort. He weighed the three scenarios in his head. 

He throws Kevin out, gets on with things on his own and Kevin leaves without arguing. That would be the perfect option. There would be no problems for Carlos. He felt bad about Kevin’s wounds but there was no evidence that any of them were from other people. Kevin was odd and could have easily done all of the wounds he had seen himself, so Carlos had nothing to feel bad about. It seemed unlikely, but Kevin seemed unlikely in general.

Second, He throws Kevin out and Kevin just comes back or goes up to the lighthouse. Then they are back in the situation they are currently in and it becomes a cycle that uses all of Carlos’ energy rather than letting him focus on his science.

Third, he gives into the temptation that he had told Kevin he had. Kevin had walked off before Carlos could properly decide whether it was a good idea or not so it wasn’t exactly discussed yet but it would feel exactly like Cecil, wouldn’t it? Even just sleeping next to Kevin might give him some comfort, it didn’t have to be more. 

He twirled the phone back to facing up, staring at the picture on his lock screen and sniffling. He didn’t let himself cry. He simply stared at Cecil’s wonderful face and then tapped in the passcode, finding Cecil in his contact list and dialling. 

“Hey, Ceec…” His voice shook, putting a hand on the counter. Cecil was worried, seeing as they had literally only just hung up in Night Vale time, “... can I run a hypothetical by you?”

-

“I’m-...” Kevin stopped as he saw Carlos on the phone again, facing the ceiling and not talking. His eyes were closed and he looked incredible. Beautiful. Perfect.

***N***

“Really? You never told me that before.” His voice was a purr. A low, pleased noise that would have made Kevin nervous if he wasn’t completely inhabited by his microchip, “Well, I’ll tell you how it goes then… or do you want pictures? … Oh… well, I’m sure we can set that up at some point. Of course, I know you're tired... we'll talk about it more tomorrow? Ok, my little _Oryctolagus cuniculus._ ” 

***N***

It hit him. Carlos was asking Cecil’s permission. It added a whole new dimension to it. He almost felt like he was an addition, although he was aware that it was unlikely to be the case. Still, Cecil seemed into it from the half conversation he could hear and Kevin poorly tried to hold back an excited noise. The idea that he wasn’t just some comfort to Carlos, but to Cecil too. He wondered if Cecil had spoken to his Strex self yet. Maybe this was what he was talking about.  _ You win. _ What if Cecil lied because… they both loved him. Oh, the thought made him warm inside. A horrible, horrible warm and a horrible price to pay for a shallow love, but it was love all the same and he _needed_ love so _badly._


	5. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Let's Not...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin is flattered that Carlos sees him as human.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a shorter chapter, sorry. 
> 
> I'm going to >>>Warning <<<(***************) Some parts because Kevin did use his trigger word before this so... yeah, stay safe my peeps.
> 
> (also, they have sex)

********************************

“Cecil.” The soft word sent two emotions through Kevin. 

First was love. He was loved enough to be compared to Cecil. There was no pretext of being less than or a destroyed version of the man. No, he was as good as Cecil. He was a replacement for Cecil. Not the other way around. He wasn’t being thrown to the side for the more beautiful man. He wasn’t being discarded for the other. He was loved and wanted.

Second was pain. He was a replacement. Nothing more. He was loved as a replacement, not as himself. That should be enough for him, he thought, but it wasn’t. He was still just a toy for someone who wanted someone else. He was still just a product, there to be used as someone else wanted. It hurt in his chest. It hurt in his stomach. It sent a blinding light through his head. This was a holy pain and something blessed by the Smiling God but it was still pain. 

“Carlos.” The voice sent two emotions through Carlos. 

First was disgust. This wasn’t Cecil. He looked like Cecil, felt like Cecil, loved him like Cecil. This wasn’t Cecil. He wanted Kevin to be quiet, to let him have his delusion. To let him have this after so long wanting this. Wanting Cecil. Kevin couldn’t exactly give him anything else that Cecil could. 

Second was pride. Kevin’s voice wasn’t the twisted joy that he had heard before. It was still obedient but now it was longing. Lusting. It was something he had never heard in Kevin’s voice before and something he told himself that only he had heard. He didn’t consider how wrong that hypothesis might be, simply enjoyed the emotion that came with it. 

"Cecil!" His voice was getting rougher, as were his movements and Kevin stayed as still and as quiet as possible, despite hot, heavy breaths slipping from his lips.

-

The tears were unexpected. Kevin was still smiling up at the ceiling and claiming to be happy but there were definitely streaks lining his face. In fact, upon questioning, Kevin propped himself up on his elbow and was acting relatively normal and chilled out despite them. It was hard to tell what the man was thinking and Carlos wasn’t sure how to feel about it. Cecil wore his heart on his sleeve, making it very clear how he felt about most things but Kevin was obviously upset while hiding it almost expertly, if not for the tear. In fact, Carlos would have assumed that they were simply from exertion if it weren’t for Kevin denying their existence entirely. 

Hypothesis: Kevin hadn’t been as enthusiastic as he made out. Evidence: Kevin was crying. Kevin, who Carlos had assumed to be a heartless monster, was crying.    
Alternative hypothesis: Kevin had had bad experiences in the past. Evidence: Kevin denied the crying and tried to change the subject completely away from their current situation. 

Alternative hypothesis: It had been a while and this was emotional. Evidence: Kevin had not been particularly active, in fact barely moved, and was now crying. 

Alternative hypothesis: Carlos was overthinking. Evidence: He normally only came up with one or two hypotheses, but had many of this. He had many hypotheses when it came to Kevin in general.

****************************

He let the discussion fade, returning his glasses to his face. Kevin had gone to do the same only to stop as he remembered he didn’t have glasses. 

“You should get some sleep, Kevin.” Carlos said, slipping back into his clothes. 

“What are you going to do?” 

“I have some experiments that need tending to and I should call Cecil. I should see if he’s on the radio, I try my best to listen to his show.” 

“Oh.” It was all Kevin could manage.

Carlos noted the wave that moved down one of the streaks on Kevin’s cheek. New Hypothesis: Kevin was upset Carlos had called him Cecil. Evidence: He was upset Carlos was leaving him to check up on Cecil. He wasn’t sure how he felt about this new information. Carlos wasn’t big on psychology and trying to figure out other people’s emotions from social cues was nowhere near his strong suit. He felt awkward asking and was overwhelmed by the mixed emotions centered around Kevin and what they had just done. He said nothing as he left the room, deciding it was better than trying to understand what Kevin was feeling. Just the idea that Kevin could feel anything other than happiness seemed alien to him, although scientifically it made sense and he should appreciate that. 

Kevin watched as he left, trying his best to follow the instructions he was given. He couldn’t sleep, but he also couldn’t leave the room without Carlos knowing. 

-

It was a few hours before Carlos returned and when he did, Kevin sat straight up. He waited for whatever Carlos was about to say, giving him space to say it but also staring in such a way that didn’t give any space. 

“Kevin, are you alright?” 

“Of course! It’s a wonderful day to be alive!” Kevin sang joyously, his smile only fading when Carlos waved his hand in a dismissive way. 

“No. Are you actually alright? Do you hurt?” 

Kevin considered the question. He was in a great deal of pain but it wasn’t unusual for him to be. He had taken his medicine, too much in fact, but he was still in pain. Was that what Carlos was asking? Probably. 

************************

“Oh, well, I’d normally take my medicine after, so yes. I hurt quite badly in fact, it’s been a while and you weren’t exactly gentle. Hm…it’s fine though. Oh, I am quite used to it.” The final statement was laced with pride, although Carlos was unsure of why. It hadn’t sounded like something to take pride in, admitting that previous lovers had been equally as selfish and uncaring as Carlos, who had admitted to himself that he hadn’t cared enough about Kevin’s comfort.

*************************

“Medicine? The _ StrexCalm  _ stuff?”

“Exactly. Well, when Strex owned me…” Carlos winced at the word but didn’t interrupt. Kevin noticed the change but didn’t pause, “... they gave me that medicine to make me feel good. It took the pain away. Stopped my scars itching. It made me feel warm and wonderfully hollow. That’s why I need it back.” 

“You mean, while you worked for Strex?” 

“Oh, well, yes.” Kevin folded his arms over his stomach to stop himself from biting his nails or scratching his face, “I suppose that’s one way to put it, but I meant while I was in training as well. While they owned me. If you have a barcode scanner, you can see my prescription.” 

“Why would I…” Carlos stopped, looking over to Kevin now and seeing him holding his hair away from the back of his neck. He understood and moved to look at the tattoo. There were a few cuts above and below it but the tattoo was untouched. Thick and thin black lines with numbers corresponding to his name underneath. He felt his heart sink. His throat close. Maybe this was normal for Strex? Kevin was high up, right? So it wasn’t like he would have been one of their workers. He was a manager or at the very least a prominent figure. “Why do you have a barcode?”

“To identify me. Strex needs to identify all of their merchandise.” Kevin explained, although hummed at his last word, “Actually, they wouldn’t sell me, so I guess products is a better word. No... goods? Well, that would assume that someone wanted me! No, no… I’ll get there...” 

Carlos stayed silent as Kevin rambled, slowly moving back to the end of the bed where he had been sat before and sinking down into it. His eyes stayed on Kevin as he did, trying to understand how someone could keep smiling as they rambled off words that suggested they weren’t even human.

“Oh! I have it!” His smile widened, further than Carlos had thought it could, “Their ‘fixed asset’s.” 

“Kevin… you’re a person.” 

“Oh…” Kevin seemed shocked by the sentence but then just laughed it off, “...  _ thank you _ , Carlos.” 

“That’s not…” 

“Oh, and… and! It helps identify all of my implants. Can’t go losing those. Very expensive, very important. They would want to retrieve them if ever I… uh… wasn’t using them.” 

“Kevin…” 

“Oh, and it has important information like my voltage tolerance! That way there are no unhappy accidents.” 

“Unha-...?” 

“Not to mention logs on the way I react to certain…  _ stimuli _ . Oh, that’s important. No point using a silly old whip when a good old belt gets a better reaction… Carlos? Where are you going?” 

He didn’t reply as he left the room again, holding his head this time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, the numbers -> Name thing is from the absolutely amazing @desert.bluffs.radio on instagram!


	6. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - ... Be friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos 'talks' to Kevin about why he doesn't need fixing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is similar to the other version of the fixing scene but trust me it is vastly different!
> 
> (they have sex)

“You need help. I’m a scientist! I’m not a psychologist, but I’ll try my best to figure out what’s wrong and…” 

“Fix me?” Kevin finished, eyes fluttering up to Carlos for a moment and then humming as he smiled, his chest filling with vile joy and excitement. His heart raced with a mix of fear and longing. Wanting. Carlos’ hands on him in any way he could get them there. Carlos’ smile, in whatever way he could summon it. Oh, he just hoped that the man would at least have the courtesy to take his senses in other ways after. That he wouldn’t simply walk away once his side of finished, “You have scalpels, Carlos. Oh, oh! Of course you can fix me! Please, do!” 

Kevin started to unbutton his shirt as the blood seemed to drain from the other man’s face. Kevin was confused. It’s not as if they hadn’t been intimate the very day before, surely Carlos would know that he was serious about wanting to take it further. He had even allowed the small excited noise, boarding a moan, to escape him at the end of his statement, that sound had been sign enough that Kevin was eager. Carlos didn’t mind the idea of rearranging him to make him perfect, otherwise why would he suggest such. He was a scientist. Sure, he was an awkward, dorky, cute scientist, but he was still a scientist. Scientists love to tinker with things, especially things like Kevin. Maybe it was just his ego telling him that, but Kevin thought himself quite the scientific oddity. He imagined it wasn’t often that a scientist had such a thing to poke around inside and correct. 

“How do you want me to fix you, Kevin?” His voice was already shaking. It made Kevin shiver as he thought of how well Carlos seemed to be containing his excitement otherwise. He thought Carlos was imagining what to do with him. He thought about what Carlos might want to change. He smiled wider, his hands grasping at the knees of his trousers once his final button had fallen open, watching Carlos’ eyes as they ran down his chest and to his all-to-tight trousers.

Kevin was covered in scars. Carlos could see the source of many of them with just a glance and it made his stomach turn. Whips, tasers, knives. There was no arguing that these were not self inflicted. The nice little bubble Carlos had been hiding in was burst. This was torture. Kevin was more scars than skin and that was even before Carlos had considered the scars he had found the previous day in unspeakable locations. Those could at least have been a kink, but these were too many. Too harsh. At completely the wrong angle. There were parts of Kevin that Carlos would expect to see that were gone. Only scars where his nipples had been. Tattoos he had expected from his knowledge of Cecil that were grafted over. Was that even Kevin’s skin they had covered it with? His head was spinning.

“However you like. Whatever part isn’t enough or isn’t right, just change to your liking.” Kevin pointed to his eyes. He pointed to his heart. He pointed to his ears, “Don’t worry about the anaesthetic. I can always bite down on something, or use my medicine. That’s an anaesthetic. My ears were the worst ones, that was after they gave me my brain implants to keep me awake for longer. Ho... I can’t remember when they gave me those… What part of me makes you sad, Carlos? How can I make you happy?” 

He waited for the response but one didn’t come for a while. Kevin was rocking gently as he waited, trying his best to alleviate some of the tension that was building inside of him. Carlos had put down his notebook and was rubbing his eyes under his glasses. He was breathing deep as if to calm himself. Kevin didn’t want him to calm down, he wanted Carlos riled up. He wanted him in control but pent up. He wanted Carlos  _ desperate _ . Desperate to cut into him. Desperate to change him. 

“The part that does this makes me sad.” Carlos sighed, letting Kevin see his face again, “The part that asks me to cut you up. The part that thinks that’s  _ ok. _ ” 

“It is ok!” Kevin replied quickly, shooting up from his seat and putting a hand out but not quite touching Carlos. He had learnt yesterday that this wasn’t appreciated, when Carlos had questioned him about just standing in the kitchen. 

“No, it isn’t. People don’t  _ fix  _ people! People do not need  _ fixing!” _

“I’m not  _ a person _ , Carlos, I’m a  _ commodity. _ ” Kevin laughed, trying his best to comfort Carlos without physical contact. Carlos’ eyes burrowed into him, looking annoyed and sad and confused. Kevin fully understood why but the entirety of the conversation was just too much for him. His heart was pounding in his chest. His body aching for touch. His brain doing overtime to figure out how to get back on track. Back to Carlos over him. Back to Carlos smiling. Back to Carlos cutting him. It's all he could focus on now and _goodness_ he had no idea how to make Carlos any less angry at him.

It all went blank as the scientist moved closer to him, forcing Kevin back against the table behind, a leg pushed up to quiet him and  _ oh  _ it certainly quieted him. He moved and _yes,_ _this is exactly what he needed._

“Kevin…” Carlos’ voice was low and rough. It was dripping in lust as he let Kevin rock against him, “... If you weren’t a person, you wouldn’t be blushing right now. You wouldn’t have a pulse. You wouldn’t, scientifically, be the form that you are, in front of me like you are, your heart racing the way it is. You wouldn't be able to correct the equation on the board. You wouldn't be able to _annoy_ me so much. You wouldn't be aching.  _ Reacting…”  _ He moved closer to Kevin’s ear, _ “…so…”, _ His voice was a quiet purr, _ “...wonderfully _ ...”

“Carlos…?” He could barely think of an answer, still trying not to touch him while he felt hands running over his bare chest, “I don’t think…”

A finger to his lips and a small whimper against it. That was all Kevin could manage as he felt Carlos remove his finger and replace it with his lips. They were so much softer than Kevin had even imagined. So much more gentle. Kevin drank in every feeling, every movement, trying his best to extend every pleasurable moment. Hands found their way into that perfect hair and Carlos didn't move away so Kevin continued to anchor himself in the gorgeous waves.

\--

“Do you still think you need fixing, Kevin?” Carlos groaned, nails dug into Kevin’s thighs drawing a whimper from the other. Kevin could barely think enough to understand the question, much less the way it was said. 

“C-Cecil.” Kevin corrected in lew of an actual answer, his breath shaking as his own fingers gripped at the lab coat that was still just about on Carlos’ shoulders. 

“No, Kevin.” His voice was hot and caramel and love, “Answer the question,  _ Kevin _ .” 

“No…?” He held the word, unsure if it was the correct response. He had told Carlos to make him more like Cecil and now Carlos was acting like that wasn’t what he wanted at all. 

“Would I do this if there was?”

“I don’t know.” His voice shook as toes curled in his shoes, pressing up against the leather. His back arched, whimpering for just a  _ little more. _

“Do I need to settle for less than perfect, Kevin?” 

“No! You’re so perfect.  _ S-... sooo-...oooh...nggh... _ ”

-

Carlos breathed heavily as he let Kevin slip back down onto his chair. He kept the man close, but moved back enough to study his face. No tears. Not enough to prove any of his hypotheses, as any factor could have affected Kevin’s reaction, but he had to admit that this time was far more pleasant for both of them. 

“How was that?” He asked, raising Kevin’s chin to look at him, “Better?” 

Kevin only nodded, trying his best to steady his breathing. It was harder than he imagined, especially as Carlos started to clean him up. 

“Nicer than when I called you Cecil?” 

“I don’t mind that,” Kevin started, getting interrupted by Carlos.

“I know it must have been difficult in the past. I hope I didn’t bring back bad memories.” 

Kevin didn’t reply this time, simply sighing and smiling. It was the most relaxed that Carlos had ever seen him and he wasn’t sure whether that was a positive response or whether Kevin was simply enamoured by Carlos’ assumption. 


	7. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Addiction / Dependance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin comes off of his medication and withdraws

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >>>>> Whole chapter warning <<<<<
> 
> Ok, so this chapter is about withdrawal and withdrawal symptoms. It might not be 100% accurate, but is based off of my own withdrawal from opiates (perscription, perscribed for too long). Morphine is quite a bit stronger and would likely have different/worse withdrawal so I amped it up a little (I, of course, did not die).
> 
> Also, character death (but it's not really. He survives it.)

“Carlos.” Kevin whimpered, hands on his head and his whole body shaking. He had never felt this terrible before. He had never felt this hot. This cold. This itchy. This irritable. This vulnerable. “Carlos. Please.”

The scientist crossed his arms, trying his best not to look at the ball of tears and sweat that Kevin had turned into. He couldn’t leave him alone, he had no idea what was going to happen if he did. Nothing seemed to die here and Kevin had survived an overdose, although it was unclear how large. It was scientifically interesting to watch his reaction, even if it was morally devastating. The two side of him pulled against each other in the most terrible way. He wasn’t about to give it and let Kevin have his medicine. He would care for him. He would look after him. 

“What’s in it?” Carlos asked clinically, keeping the care out of his voice. He was a scientist first and foremost. Kevin needed a scientist right now. It helped to take notes, so Carlos did. It made him feel more sciency. Kevin needed a scientist right now.

“It’s hormones and morphine.” Kevin managed, letting thick white form drip from his mouth. He had been gagging but he hadn’t eaten in a few weeks, so he just brought up the sour acid that burnt his vacant gums. 

It was also the first time Carlos had seen Kevin without his dentures. He knew Kevin had bad teeth but seeing him with no teeth at all took him by surprise. He had honestly thought that nothing about the man could surprise him anymore, having seen lashes across his stomach, burns in places Kevin certainly couldn’t reach (or would have a hard time inflicting on himself), scars where Cecil had tentacles, scars from restraints and repeated beating. He had watched Kevin flinch at the softest touch and then stand in the way of a hard slap that Carlos had been sure he would have dodged. 

He had at least determined that all his previous hypotheses about Kevin’s tears the other day had been correct. He had also heard Kevin joking about his own death far more than he was comfortable with, and even more heard Kevin joyfully declaring that he wished to be 'devoured' although he wouldn't expand on this. Now, Kevin was complaining about dying. Curled and crying. Still smiling. Carlos could only hypothesize that he was correct. He may have been dying, but he wouldn’t die. Nothing died here. Not naturally, at least. Not that he'd seen.

-

What was touching him? Why was it on his face? Why was it so cold? 

“Hey, we’re going to get through this.” His voice was so soft. The way it was before Strex. The way it was when he was practicing his smile each morning. A voice reserved for his ears and his ears alone, “We always survive the day, right?” 

“I feel happy.” Kevin said out loud, eyes opening for a moment. He tried to focus on the him that was in front of him. The old him. The him he envied so badly. The man that had been beaten out of him.

“No, you don’t.” 

“I’m dying. I want to die happy.” 

“Well, we’re not allowed to die happy! They took that from us. We took that from us when we started murdering people!” 

“Why do you hate Strex so much?” The question seemed to burn his tongue, or maybe that was his own stomach acid. Either way, he didn’t enjoy this burning.

“Look what they did to us. To me. Look at yourself, Kevin.” 

He stroked the scarless cheek in front of him. Where with Vanessa he would feel a cold cheek, he felt nothing as he touched his own face. The face of the man he used to be. 

“They fixed us.” 

“They destroyed us.”

Then the floor was far closer than before. Cold. Rigid. Alone.

It felt like forever until Carlos was holding him, making sure he was fine. He was talking but Kevin couldn’t listen. He had tried to grasp it as much as possible but he could barely even open his eyes. It had taken some time for him to even realise that Carlos was holding him upside down. Foam dripped from his mouth. Then nothing.  Carlos kept holding him, realising that his hypothesis was correct. Kevin’s heart rate was fading and then raising as he held his wrist. He would blink in and out of consciousness. His body relaxed and then spasmed and then trembled and then relaxed. Carlos could only whisper comforting words to him. He could only respond to his name. He could only lie and pretend Kevin was right when he managed a ‘Vanessa’ or ‘Diego’ or ‘Cecil’. He could only stroke the man’s hair as he died over and over again.

He was surprised how often it was ‘Cecil’ the man asked for. 

-

“Any better?” The words seemed to wobble through his ears, growing and fading. They were loud then quiet and over and over and over and over…

“Kevin? Can you hear me?” His vision was spinning whether he had his eyes open or closed. His skin itched. Insects crawled beneath the thick layers. Burrowing. Burrowing. Burrowing. Deeper. Deeper. He couldn’t get them out. He tried but Carlos held his hands away from himself. It itched so badly. He couldn’t focus on anything else. Just the itching. 

Then he threw up again. 

Then the cold wetness. It went down and then back up. Over Carlos. Then a pause. Then the cold wetness. It went down and then back up. Over Carlos. Then a pause. 

“Ok, that’s not working. We’ll save it for later...” Carlos’ voice was like a fever dream and each time his hands left the hard grip it had on Kevin’s wrists, Kevin’s hands would go to his face or arms to pull the skin away. If he could just get it off would it stop itching?

“The Smiling God is coming for me, Carlos.” He had gasped, rocking backwards to relax on the chair, letting Carlos bind his hands to stop him trying to peel his skin off.

“It’s OK, Kevin.” The man whispered, stroking his hair to comfort him, despite the discomfort it made him feel against his own hand and in his stomach. Kevin seemed to hum and press into it.

-

Were things always this bright? 

“Carlos?” Kevin whimpered, rubbing his head and sitting up. His shirt was covered in… he didn’t even know what. Carlos was in the chair opposite, sleeping deeply. He was snoring and looked absolutely adorable. Kevin couldn’t help but swoon.

Kevin stood and carefully took himself to the bathroom, cleaning himself up as best he could with a stone. Those clothes would have to be given more attention when he could stand for longer but for now he focused on his own body. Once he was sure he had got most of it off his skin, he took one of Carlos’ shirts, of which he only had a few here, enough for both of them to change. He made a note to try and find them some new clothes before taking Carlos’ blanket to him and tucking him in on the chair. 

He considered calling Cecil but decided against it, at least for now. His eyes were still heavy and he needed to just relax. The cactus sofa was mainly comfortable, the fur that lined it may have been slightly itchy but at least it was warm and soft. 


	8. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Water (Work Alternative).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin tries to feel useful by finding water. After he returns, they listen to the radio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kevin and Carlos hear (so of) Triptych
> 
> Sorry again that it's late.

The next few weeks were the most productive of the last nine years. Kevin had a new purpose, a new lease on life, and someone to really drive him forward. As Carlos was collecting samples and figuring out the land, Kevin was busying himself with drawing water from the ground. This was not the easiest of things in this place and it had seemed Carlos had set up in an especially poor place. Kevin had ended up digging for most of the day before hitting wet sand. Not only that but he had no real way to get out of the pit he had dug, not having had the foresight to give himself a method to climb out. 

“Carlos?” He called several times, leaving long pauses between each yell. Nothing. He couldn’t dig upwards without filling the pit with dry sand again and he was losing water by exposing this sand to the hot light. He sighed, letting his skin pull back into his eldritch form and trying to force tentacles from his back. Strex had once cut them off but if this place had the power to keep things alive he hoped that it had the power to regrow. He stretched and strained, trying his hardest and eventually just causing blood to burst from his back. A loud scream as the pain knocked him over, followed by curling in pain and whimpering on the floor, sand getting into the wounds. 

“Kevin?” Carlos’ voice was sweet on his ears, hearing the man approaching the pit, “Oh, Kevin! What did you do?” 

“I’m fine.” He gave a weak thumbs up and then heard Carlos running back away from him again. By the time he was being pulled out of the pit, he had passed out. 

-

“That was stupid.” Carlos frowned, his arms crossed over his chest, “Great work, very useful. We can start farming but stupid idea! I must have given you a hundred stitches! Or more!” 

“Sorry.” 

Carlos was taken back by the apology. It wasn’t the first time he had heard Kevin apologise but it was the first time he actually felt like Kevin meant what he was saying when he did. There was no odd tone to it or obvious motive for apologising, he just was. Carlos wasn’t exactly sure how to respond, instead just watching Kevin as he started unscrewing the jar that was in his satchel. 

“Do I want to know what that is?” Carlos asked as Kevin opened the jar and shoved something from it in his mouth before replacing the lid and shoving it back down. He looked up to Carlos as he chewed and swallowed.

“Worms. You want some?” 

“That sounds horrible.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose, “Not to mention, dangerous. Where did you get worms from?” 

“The ground. Where worms come from.” 

The two men stared at each other for a few minutes before Carlos just nodded and got back to looking over bubbling liquids that were on his counter. He was making notes and tapping the side of a few beakers. He put on Cecil’s show as he was watching them and Kevin leaned back, closing his eyes and letting himself enjoy the sound of Cecil’s voice. He wasn’t mad at him anymore. Hated him, sure, but he didn’t want revenge. Look where it had gotten him. He just wanted Cecil’s voice to lull him to sleep while he spoke about a vortex passing through town. Kevin vaguely remembered a vortex passing through Desert Bluffs. Kevin vaguely remembered Vanessa. He shook the thought, not ready to put two and two together.

He grinned as Cecil started having technical difficulties and Carlos frowned. He loved the man, but it hurt so much to watch Carlos fawning over him. Then Kevin stopped grinning. 

_ “Started hopping up and down…”  _

Kevin shot up, immediately falling to his knees again and screaming as Cecil and his past self started to talk to one another. Carlos rushed over, helping him back into his seat before sitting next to him and listening. Carlos’ hand on his back was comforting but only just. He could hardly remember the voice that he was hearing. He could hardly remember his words. He knew what was coming… but what led up to it was another story. 

_ “StrexCorp? That faux friendly big business corporate monster?” _

Kevin’s throat closed, feeling a hot pain in his head as he tried to remember. He tried to remember feeling that way. Thinking that way. It hurt. Not just emotionally, but physically. A blinding light filling his vision as he listened.

Carlos’ throat closed. His chest tightened. The man he was listening to sounded so much like the man next to him but so much unlike the man next to him. The words made no sense but then they made so much sense. He was still mad at Kevin about what had happened but the idea that he was more like Cecil than Carlos had previously imagined. That he had emotions and felt the same way as Cecil once. That Kevin used to be in Cecil’s position. It hit closer that it could be Cecil he was holding, in the same state as Kevin. 

_ “We won’t let them get too powerful…”  _

Carlos saw the tears leaking from Kevin’s eyes but didn’t point them out. Kevin was making that twisted smile again. He was pulling his lips apart so far that Carlos could see the stitches keeping his cheeks together straining to hold. He could see his chest moving with much more difficulty. Tears pouring from his black eyes. 

Then a flinch. A flinch at the much more recognisable Kevin. Carlos furrowed his eyebrows as he watched Kevin trembling at his own words. His eyes darted to his lap as his lips moved with the words on the radio.  _ “Work harder if you want to live.”  _

“I should turn-...” Carlos was stopped by Kevin’s hand and a shake of his head. He didn’t argue. He just sat back next to him and kept a hand on his back. 

_ “I put my own body, this fragile thing, in between the Strex Representatives and the entrance to the building.”  _

Carlos’ hand clasped around his mouth, staring at the radio and then at Kevin. He was running fingers along his scars, running his scarred tongue along his dentures. Still smiling. Smiling so horribly wide. His fingers sank into his cheeks as he listened to himself, Carlos having to grab his wrists and pull them away to stop him from injuring himself further. He moved to turn the radio off before returning to Kevin, kneeling in front of him.

“Kevin, Kevin. That’s not you anymore, right? So no need to-...” 

“You win, Kevin.” Kevin said, wiping tears from his face and then joyously grabbing Carlos’ shoulders. Carlos flinched away and Kevin let go, returning his hands to his cheeks, “Cecil told me, ‘You win, Kevin’. He heard me tell him… I thought that was after but… It was before…” 

And with that he was mad again. Mad at Cecil. Angry beyond belief. So happy to be angry. So happy to know that Cecil had no excuse. He could have warned him. He knew.

“I’m sorry, Kevin.” Carlos breathed, putting a hand in his hair and immediately calming the man, “I wish we could have helped you.” 

“He could have helped me! He could have-...” 

“Kevin.” Carlos moved his hand to Kevin’s cheek, “I’m sorry. We can’t change the past but we can change the future.” 

“The future?” Kevin spat, gesturing wildly around, “What future Carlos? Stuck here! Forever!”

“Together.”

Kevin’s arms dropped, letting silence fall over them. At first he leant forward, going to kiss Carlos, but then he put a hand up to stop their lips from connecting. 

“Just a toy, still. Forever. Great, exactly what I want.” He sighed, shaking his head. It was one of those few lucid moments where he wasn’t pushing his real self down and it hurt more than anything. Hurt to let the bad thoughts in. Hurt to understand them. Hurt so deeply. 

“You’re not a toy, Kevin. You’re a human.”

He didn’t reply at all this time. He leant into Carlos’ shoulder and let the conversation die. 


	9. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Unfulfilled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos finds out about Kevin's trigger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >>>>>Chapter warning<<<<<
> 
> this chapter makes reference to 'movie night' and 'collar'. These bits are surrounded by ***************

Kevin woke up next to Carlos, rolling onto his side and resting his head on his chest. He listened to the heartbeat. He didn’t know what time it was but he felt like he hadn’t had much sleep. He rarely had much sleep but having had several days of being passed out and the sleeping to recover afterwards, last night had felt particularly unrestful. 

_ “So much happier…”  _ The words rang in his ears as if being said by someone he cared for. Someone he loved. They weren’t said by anyone he loved or cared for. Strex had stripped that all away from him.  _ “So deliriously happy.”  _

“Go to sleep, Kevin.” Carlos mumbled, stroking his head softly as he tried to take his own advice. The small twitch didn’t help, but then again the now circling finger on his chest didn’t help either. 

“What did you want me to do?”

“I want you to go to sleep.” Carlos repeated, moving Kevin onto the pillow as he rolled to face him. 

“I am, now what?” 

Brown eyes opened, only enough to stare down at an emotionless face staring back at him. He contemplated the man for a few minutes before sighing and sitting up putting his glasses on.

“Kevin, you’re not asleep.” 

“Oh, but I am.” He hummed, quickly sitting with his legs crossed. His hands going to his ankles, “You told me to ‘go to sleep’ so I’m all yours.” 

Carlos stared for another moment before groaning and squeezing the bridge of his nose. Two hypotheses. First hypothesis: ‘Go to sleep’ is a StrexCorp trigger word. Evidence: Kevin was acting odd and during a previous broadcast he had stopped arguing with Lauren as much once she had said it. Second hypothesis: Kevin was sleep deprived at Strex and they taught him that something other than sleep was sleeping. Evidence: He thought he was asleep while being wide awake. 

He wasn’t sure which he wanted to believe, but knew the method of proving or disproving them.

“Kevin… what normally happens when someone tells you to go to sleep?” He asked it carefully, not looking Kevin in the eyes but trying to look as close as possible to them for him. It seemed to take a moment of thought before Kevin could actually reply.

******************************

“Whatever they want.”

“Which means?”

“Anything. Lauren would use it to keep me obedient, Daniel and you used it to-…” 

“Me? I haven’t said that to you before!” 

“No, no, I said it. The first time. Well… a few times… Just if you were going too fast.” 

Carlos could hardly process this information. He knew that Kevin hadn’t been as enthusiastic as he had thought he was and he knew that Kevin had cried but he hadn’t quite realised the extent of that. It made him feel sick to think that Kevin hadn’t simply been un-enthusiastic but had been actively against the idea. He had brought up the idea. He had suggested it in the first place and now was telling Carlos that he hadn’t wanted it at all. 

“To stay quiet, Carlos. I didn’t make a single sound, other than that one slip up, did I?” 

Carlos took in a deep breath, putting his head in his hands and shaking his head. What Kevin had said the day before suddenly made so much more sense.  _ ‘Just a toy, still’.  _ That’s how Kevin saw all of this. Carlos taking advantage of him. Taking advantage of a malicious corporation’s brutal and disgusting torture that had warped Kevin beyond himself. Kevin thought that was how Carlos saw him and Carlos, thinking on it, realised that he should have seen it coming. Kevin had been so happy for Carlos to cut into him. Kevin had asked him to, seemingly tried to convince him. He had medicine to make him obedient. Medicine that was mainly morphine. 

“No, you didn’t.” Carlos choked, keeping himself from crying by taking a sharp breath, “Can you tell me what Daniel did?” 

Kevin smiled wide, bouncing onto his knees and starting to describe Lauren’s ‘movie nights’. He explained about his collar and Daniel’s robot and about the pain. He played it off like it was nothing, although Carlos had a feeling that when Kevin was like this he truly saw it as nothing. He told Carlos details that made Carlos’ stomach turn in the most horrible way, Kevin keeping a wide smile and an enthusiastic tone about the whole thing. He kept using the phrase  _ ‘One time’  _ and  _ ‘oh, oh, and another time’  _ as if he was describing some exciting vacation or what he did during summer break. 

*****************************

“That was all after I got my chip put in, of course. It made it so much easier to deal with Daniel and Lauren and any other guests she had.” 

Carlos didn’t need to ask what Kevin meant. He just took a few breaths before looking back at Kevin. This was a very new situation that Carlos had never imagined he would be in. He had no idea how to handle the smiling, rocking man in front of him. 

“You know that’s not healthy right?”

“Of course, but the chip blocks out all negative emotions.” Kevin pointed to a point on the top of his head. If Carlos followed it down it would be between his frontal lobe and the rest of his brain. He could only assume that there were several things there, ones to make Kevin violent too. It was a hypothesis.

“Do you have other chips?”

“No. I have an implant to make it easier to add them and to allow me to stop myself passing out as quickly. This chip is my only one, though.” 

“... but the violence?”

Kevin stopped, tilting his head and then laughing softly, “That’s just me, silly. I like blood. I didn’t before but it’s not some chip that caused that. Oh, ho, no. I figured it out while I was in training. I just really like how it looks and  _ feels _ .” 

Carlos stood up, putting a hand up to Kevin as he went to follow. He needed to be alone. Kevin understood by now that Carlos often needed alone time to process things. Carlos walked away a lot when Kevin spoke about Strex. 

When Carlos returned, Kevin didn’t let him talk first. He could tell that Carlos was still upset and all he could think to do was distract him.

“Did you talk to Cecil? How is he? Did he enjoy the pictures you sent?” 

“No…” Carlos started, rubbing his beard as he sat in front of Kevin, “I mean, he liked the pictures but I haven’t phoned him. I wait for him to call most of the time.”

“So… what did he say?” 

“He commented on certain similarities and the burns. Said they must have hurt.” Kevin gave a small nod but Carlos tried his best to ignore him. Kevin’s face hadn’t been in the pictures he had sent, at least, so Cecil’s comments didn’t worry him too much. It didn’t seem like Cecil knew it was Kevin. Just some lucky stranger, “Kevin, I want to choke you. I’m not saying that to hurt you but I have a lot of emotions right now.” 

“Sure!” 

“No, not like that! I don’t want you to enjoy it!”

“Oh…” Kevin’s voice sank, scratching at his facial scar. He wasn’t really sure how to reply to the request. It wasn’t exactly within his control to stop enjoying being abused. Even more difficult was the idea he would have to pretend to not enjoy  _ Carlos  _ abusing him. Carlos hadn’t been the most gentle, but he had been the gentlest that Kevin had experienced since Vanessa. He was more attentive than the others. He was more careful than the others. 

Then he had a thought. A hand on Carlos’ shoulder and then on the scientist’s neck. Carlos quickly pushed him off, just looking confused and annoyed the first time but when Kevin tried again the man snapped. A hand flew round and hit Kevin hard, knocking him down onto the bed. 

His heart raced with anger and adrenaline. He hated the way Kevin was making him feel, the pull between pity and disgust. Anger and lust. He hated everything about the man. His annoying voice. His annoying laughs and noises. His disgusting obsessions. His legs were pinning Kevin to the bed as he let his hands squeeze around that scarred neck. He didn’t even care about Kevin’s reaction at this point. He thought about Cecil. Cecil who he might never see again. Cecil who was drunker and drunker each time they spoke. Less and less coherent. He thought about Janice. How he’d heard Cecil withdrawing and how that must have affected her. About his team and how he loved their weird science that they would do. Their minor little experiments that would keep them happy. He thought about Night Vale and how welcoming everyone had been to him and everything Kevin and Lauren had done to his friends. To his family. 

Carlos didn’t fight often but he couldn’t hold himself back. Again and again and again. Drawing his fist back and directed it at Kevin’s face until the man was nothing more than a bloody mass beneath him. He breathed deeply as he finally removed himself from the smaller man. 

“Y-You want to talk about it?” Kevin asked, his voice shaking but otherwise indistinguishable from his normal jubilation. He ignored his own face, moving to clean Carlos’ knuckles with his own tie before tossing the fabric to the side. He liked the blood, after all, and knew Carlos didn’t. Carlos had let him, shaking his head at the question he had been asked, “Do you feel any better?” 

This question got a stiff glare, Kevin flinching but otherwise not moving from next to Carlos. Carlos raised his hand again, although this time out of curiosity rather than malice. Kevin didn’t move, keeping frozen eyes set on Carlos’ own that were looking at another point on his face. His hand went back to his side.

“It’s ok.” Kevin told him softly, “I’m not going to hurt you. Carlos, you make me feel something I’ve not felt in a long time.”

“Which is?” 

“Safe.”

  
Carlos stared at the bloody man in front of him, feeling his heart drop. With all the blood on Kevin’s face it was hard to tell the scars were there and he looked so much more like Cecil. A blood covered, broken Cecil. He couldn’t bear to imagine Cecil telling anyone he was  _ safe _ after being beaten bloody by the very person he was attaching the word to, but on Kevin it was oddly appealing. Having such power over the man that had made him feel so powerless. He shook the feeling off quickly, but the thought stayed in the back of his mind. Is this how Kevin felt about Cecil? Is this why he had said his name so many times before? 


	10. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Safe (No original version).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos keeps an eye on Kevin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, our chapters will be a bit out now because the alt version (this version) is actually longer than the original version. So, although I'm posting 'Poetry week' for Your Ghosts today, 'Poetry week' is next chapter in this one. I will try to remember to go back and link them up. 
> 
> >>>>>>>>>>>>> Trigger warning for the last few paragraphs (*************)  
> Child abuse

Carlos paid particular attention to Kevin in the next few weeks. He had started farming and was able to raise wheat and grains. He had been messing with some electronics and seemed to be building himself a radio. Kevin didn’t seem to notice Carlos paying attention to him or if he did he certainly wasn’t reacting to it. The man simply continued his day, working for most of it. Even when Carlos was getting far too hot for comfort and far too tired to keep himself awake, Kevin didn’t seem to care in the least. 

“Water?” The scientist offered, passing Kevin the newly filled bottle and letting him take a small drink before talking to him again. Any time he had spoken to Kevin while he was eating or drinking, Kevin had stopped doing so to reply, “How are you feeling?” 

“Delightful. What about you?” 

“Yeah, delightful. What have you been doing today?” Carlos tried not to react to Kevin’s confused look, instead stimming with the edge of his lab coat’s lapel. 

“You’ve been watching me, Carlos. I tended the crops, I worked on the broadcaster, Oh, no-... I forgot something, didn’t I?” There was no panic in the man’s voice. Carlos was used to tones of panic under the joyful melody of Kevin’s being. They were hard to notice unless you knew him, but Carlos had finally figured out the difference.

“No, Kevin. You didn’t forget anything.” He assured, nodding back towards the house, “You should take a break, I’ll finish this.” 

In honesty, Carlos wasn’t sure what ‘this’ was but he wasn’t sure he needed to know. It looked like a ladder with legs, so he would make a ladder with legs. The worst Kevin could do was dismantle it. So he started on the strange task while Kevin stood and went inside. Kevin wouldn’t take a break and Carlos knew it. He had asked Kevin to take breaks before only to find he’d walked off and done another task instead of resting. There had even been times where he’d woken up after only a couple of hours asleep to find Kevin building something or fixing something. They’d started living apart and even then there were times when he would get ready for bed and then look out of his window towards Kevin’s house to see Kevin still outside doing one task or another. He rarely saw the other sleep unless he was passed out in the middle of doing something.

-

Kevin had stopped in Carlos’ kitchen-lab. He was looking around for something to do that didn’t involve unnamed chemicals and equipment that he didn’t recognise. He corrected a few equations on the board, not erasing Carlos’ as he had made this mistake before and had Carlos rant at him for hours about not touching his chalkboard. He had instead used an arrow and yellow chalk to show what was wrong and draw teeth around his numbers instead of hearts. That made it obvious that these were Kevin’s comments without getting in the way of Carlos’ work. 

As he stared up at the chalkboard, checking over his numbers, he heard a sound from the counter. When he turned to face it, he saw Cecil’s face lighting up Carlos’ phone. 

“Carlos.” Kevin called a couple of times before worrying that Cecil would hang up. It would be better to keep Cecil on the phone and just hand it over to Carlos, so he answered although he didn't say anything as Cecil would definitely recognise his voice. 

“Hey, shexy scientist pershon man whpo I lurv.” Cecil’s speech was extremely slurred and Kevin looked towards the door. He had wanted to take it to Carlos but Cecil was clearly drunk and Carlos was clearly tired. Leaving it until the morning would make it later in the day for Cecil but he wasn’t sure it would actually help the situation, “Talk equations to me.” 

“Uh… Carlos is in the shower.” Kevin deepened his voice as much as possible, which wasn’t the best idea but was the first thing that had come into his head, “I can go and get-...”

“Oh! It’s you… well then, sorry. Talk  _ Carlos  _ to me.” 

“That’s a bit weird, right?” That was decided, he was getting Carlos and hoping he wasn’t too annoyed that Kevin had spoken to Cecil, “Anyway, I need to go to sleep. Let me take you to Carlos.”

His voice faltered after his trigger phrase, the end of Carlos’ name coming over his tongue in a mix between his normal voice and one of pure lust. He wasn’t sure if Cecil had noticed the change but he had certainly gone quiet. Kevin couldn’t really say anything and was now rushing out of the door and towards Carlos.

“Why would it be weird? I-...” Kevin didn’t hear what else Cecil had said as he pressed the phone against Carlos’ ear and watched the other man turn to look at him. At first in confusion, then realisation, then annoyance.

“I’ll call you back in a second, bunny.” He told Cecil before hanging up and frowning at Kevin, “Why did you answer my phone?” 

“I called you. You didn’t hear so I held Cecil while I brought the phone to you.” Kevin explained, standing straight as he smiled up at Carlos, “I made my voice low so that he didn’t know it was me, don’t worry.” 

“Don’t touch my phone, Kevin!” Carlos snapped, waving the device at him to emphasise the point, “What did you say to him?”

“I said you were in the…” Kevin paused, realising that his excuse had fallen a bit as Cecil wouldn’t have heard any water, “...shower. Then I told him I was going to come and get you.”

Carlos looked him up and down before raising an eyebrow, “Why was he talking dirty to you, then?”

“He’s drunk.” 

“Right. He said  _ ‘Can’t you take the phone to bed with you' _ before I interrupted him. So, what did you say to him?” 

“Oh… oh… ho… that. I said that, yes.” Kevin’s smile widened abnormally, a second mouth starting to smile below his lip as he gave a nervous laugh, “I really didn’t listen to him, Carlos. I would love to talk to Cecil.  _ Truly _ . Just, not while he’s so…” 

“You’re not going to talk to Cecil again. You’re going to leave him alone. Understand.” Carlos’ eyes glistened in beautiful anger and Kevin stared at them. He felt like his heart had melted but he wasn’t sure if that was the chip or his own feelings.

“I understand. If I do, you’ll hurt me.” 

“For once, yes. You’re right.” 

Kevin simply nodded, standing there and staring at Carlos. The positive to Kevin being in such a state was that Carlos didn’t have to worry about him being scared and could hopefully trick him into getting some sleep. Hopefully, some decent sleep. 

“Go and lie on my lab table, Kevin.” He ordered, pointing back at the house before waiting for the reaction. It wasn’t as levelled as Carlos had hoped, Kevin having stiffened even more and his smiles twitching at the corner before he turned and did as was told. Still, It had made the man leave and gave him some time to explain to Cecil. 

-

“Hey, Ceec, Sorry about that.”

“No, don’t worry. He sounds cute. Are you planning on bringing him back with you?”

“What? No… I mean… What?” 

“Oh, no, I don’t mean like I  _ like  _ him but you know…  _ y’know… _ I’m a bit…  _ y’know…”  _

“Lonely?” 

“Kinda... but not what I was thinking...” 

Carlos was silent for a few minutes before sighing and rubbing his eyes. He wasn’t annoyed at Cecil, more at himself for the whole situation. 

“I don’t want to talk about it right now. How much have you drunk today?” 

“I have a few litres in the office. I have a few at home... I'm half way through another...”

“No, how much alcohol, Cecil.” 

Carlos could hear Cecil drinking as he spoke and his heart sank in his chest.

“Yeah, I had a few litres… maybe two… after my broadcast. Then I’m a good way through this bottle.” 

Carlos took his glasses off, rubbing his cheek under his eye despite not letting his tears escape. He just needed the sensation to help him hold them back. He knew Cecil could drink a lot with only minor consequences but several  _ litres _ of what Carlos assumed were spirits.

“Cecil, I’ll be home soon. I promise. Please stop drinking.”

“It’s been so long, Carlos. I can’t… I can’t…” Cecil couldn’t finish his sentence, breaking down into tears as Carlos made reassuring noises down the phone, “I don’t want to be without you anymore.” 

-

They had spoken for hours and the fact that Kevin had flinched almost enough to fall from the table he was lying on told Carlos he had snapped out of it by the time Carlos had come in. He was still on the phone to Cecil, so didn’t address the fact that Kevin was lying there having obviously prepared himself to be cut into and lined up tools to do so with. He definitely wouldn’t address that Kevin had seemed to make a much more appropriate operating table from Cactus. He could hear Kevin whispering behind him and just gave a small huff.

“You’re still not sober but that’s fine.” Carlos said down the phone. He wanted to talk for longer but he could hear Cecil nodding off. He had no idea how several hours of conversation were translated between the weird time dilation. Maybe Cecil was actually only ten minutes into his side of the call now. Maybe Carlos was just really fast. Who knew? “Goodnight, Sweetest.”

“Goodnight, Dearest Carlos, Goodnight.” 

-

Carlos didn’t address Kevin right away. He wasn’t sure there was any point addressing him at all but the fact that he was lying there was looming over Carlos. He was trying to think of Cecil but all he could think of was the terrible state the man was now in and the fact that he had the person responsible begging for him to take revenge. That he had been sleeping with the person responsible. The second thought made him far angrier than the first, although he wasn’t completely sure that his anger in that regard was directed at Kevin himself. 

He moved over to the man lying on the table, looking down at him from over his head. 

“What’s this one?” He asked, pointing to a scar not far below Kevin’s ribs.

“Replaced liver. It’s robotic now. Alcoholism. Really bad.” 

“You’re the same species as Cecil, that must have been a lot of alcohol.” 

“Nightly. Enough to black out. The chip did everything after that, I was just… moving. It kept me conscious and talking as much as it could. I think, at least.” 

“Cecil’s not blacking out as far as I know.” 

“You should still keep an eye on him. Alcoholism runs in my family, though… my father was a heavy drinker.” 

“Cecil’s mother was.” 

They stayed silent for a few moments. The conversation felt dead. Even with the Strex level voice Kevin was giving, it was obvious that the discussion was academic in nature and not a happy topic.

“What about this one?” 

“Oh, that… that’s before Strex. Throat spiders. Preventative, being the Voice of Desert Bluffs and all.” 

“That’s why you and Cecil have different voices?”

“Yeah… sorry about that. If I knew I was going to-...  _ disappoint  _ _so many_ people…” 

“No, no. Me too. Throat spiders.” Carlos reassured, “You don’t disappoint people by keeping yourself safe. If anyone says you do, well, they have no right to your safety or happiness.” 

“Right…”

“This one?”

Kevin went silent as Carlos touched one of his oldest scars. It was on his shoulder but ran down behind his back. He had plenty of newer ones that were the same but Carlos had specifically touched the oldest one. 

“Strex.” 

“Of course, but how?” 

He didn’t reply at first, instead making a series of uncomfortable noises, punctuated by excited noises. He sounded half like a wounded animal who was cowering from further abuse and half like… well, his masochistic self. 

“You don’t have to tell me, I was wondering because I’ve never seen so many scars on one body.” 

*************************************

“Well… Strex is very thorough. A very homey place to work. They would do things to make each employee feel extra at home. Things that...” Kevin reached up to touch the scar, “... remind them of their families and friends. Ha… one big corporate family. So welcoming and friendly.” 

“Right…” 

“Right?” Kevin’s voice was excitable in a way that annoyed the scientist.

“No, Kevin. That's not alright. What do you mean remind you of family? Did Vanessa do this to you?”

"Oh, Smiling God, no..." Kevin laughed, although it faded to something more resembling a sob as he looked behind Carlos to Vanessa, "It's hard to ruin memories that were bad in the first place. Easier to just bring them back over and over. I wasn't... always this happy, Carlos. I used to be a real head about all sorts of things! Used to spill drinks... Used to be bad at hiding... Used to stay out too long..." 

Carlos' finger slipped off of the scar and the conversation falter.


	11. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Poetry Week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Night Vale Citizens are not happy with Kevin's presence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, highlighting Kevin's severely bad health

“Who are all of these people?” Kevin asked, looking over his glasses at the people that Carlos seemed to be managing and interviewing. He had been tending the farm and saw them walking into town but had wanted to stay away from them for as long as possible before having to interact. It was hard enough to interact with Carlos after so long and having more people here now was making it even more difficult for Kevin to feel comfortable. That and that Kevin realised that if more people were here there was more of a chance of Carlos finding a way out of this desert. A way to leave him. Kevin wouldn’t be able to go back. Night Vale hated him. Desert Bluffs hated him. Pine Cliffs hated him. Red Mesa was too close to Strex for comfort. He told himself that he enjoyed his time there but the idea of going back just sent horrible pains to his chest and left side before he had passed out completely. He had learnt to deal with these now, waiting for his implants to do their job while he sat and drank water. That was, when he didn’t pass out. 

“They’re Night Vale residents.” Carlos told him in a smooth tone, making a few final notes on the last person he had interviewed, “They’ve been here since poetry week. A bunch of people went into the dog park and never returned. Well, some returned, but obviously these people didn’t. It’s fascinating because I thought that everyone was back in Night Vale. The only explanation I can think of is... “ 

Kevin listened intently, but gave Carlos the space to form his words. It didn’t take long for him to do so but when he did Kevin’s stomach fell. 

“... The dog park is in Night Vale. They were in the dog park when I closed the doors but the dog park is also here, so they were on both sides.  _ In  _ the portal. The dog park  _ is  _ the portal, Kevin. Do you know what that means?” 

“That people aren’t allowed in the portal?” 

“That Cecil can visit!” The scientist had jumped to his feet, grabbing Kevin in his excitement and gently shaking him, “Cecil can come here and see the stars and the lights and the masked army! Oh… I need to call him right away!” 

He just watched as Carlos ran back towards his house. There wasn’t much else he could do other than watch. There wasn’t much else he could do but watch the people. He took off his glasses as he went over to one, a hand out to introduce himself and a big smile. 

“Hi there, fri-...” A scream cut him off as the person pointed at his eyes and then at the scars running from his lips and then at his eyes again.

“No! Your eyes! No! Please!” 

Kevin slipped his glasses back on, his smiling widening as the person stumbled and ran away. He saw several other people wincing and backing away from him and decided it was best to just leave them alone. He understood the need for personal space and it seemed very much that these people wanted some, so he just went back to his house and went back to bed. He wasn’t feeling productive anymore as he smiled and stared at the wall on the other side of the room. He would do more work later, when they were sleeping. That way he wouldn’t scare any of them. That way they wouldn’t need to tolerate his face. That way they wouldn’t need to tolerate him. That was, after all, the best way to make the most people happy and that was what Kevin wanted. Kevin wanted to make people happy.

He pulled the thick blanket over him. It was hot but he loved the heat. He had made it from bird’s feathers and had offered Carlos similar but Carlos had declined. Kevin couldn’t think of why. What was more comforting than a thick, warm blanket? Nothing! That’s what. Sure, Carlos had his own blanket but it was thin and barely warmed him at all.

-

“Hey, are you asleep?” Carlos whispered as he let himself into Kevin’s house. One of the Night Vale residents had told Carlos he had come in but it was obvious that Kevin hadn’t come in because he was tired. The resident had seemed terrified when Carlos had asked about Kevin and as they weren’t in Night Vale during the takeover, Carlos couldn’t imagine why. 

“No,” The voice came from under the blanket, Kevin having rolled so that he was completely wrapped in warmth. He had allowed his more eldritch being to come out, the black light that radiated off of him warming the covers even further. He wasn’t about to return to looking human just for Carlos, either, no matter how much he loved him, “What did Cecil say?” 

“Voicemail. Are you alright?” 

“I’m fine.” 

“That’s worrying.” Kevin looked over at these words, rolling so he was on his back and could look at Carlos, “When most people say that it’s not good but hearing you say it is worrying.” 

“I’ll work when everyone has gone to sleep. It’s not a problem, in fact I love having space to myself. I hate it when colleagues don’t appreciate personal space. It doesn't make me happy, either! I just want everyone to settle in and find their happiness here.” 

Carlos sighed and nodded, understanding what Kevin was talking about completely. It was almost too close to how he felt at times. Of course, he had listened to Kevin telling him about the way he had abused and even killed people for getting too close so knew that it wasn’t quite the same. Kevin had seemed unfazed by killing these people while talking about it but Carlos had also overheard Kevin’s mourning on several occasions, so it was hard to tell how much guilt he felt over these murders. Almost every morning that Kevin had stayed in his house he had heard Kevin muttering about the person he was before Strex or the terrible things he'd done.

“You should talk to them, I’m sure it won’t be as bad as you think. Just don’t do… whatever you did to scare them.”

“My face?” Kevin mumbled, “Not much I can do about that, friend. This one would just scare them even more.” 

“Your face?” Carlos asked but his response was in the form of glowing orange eyes setting on him. The affect made it seem as if Kevin’s eyes were actively being burnt out and horrified him. Still, he kept from that reaction, “I see… If you wear your glasses, they won’t be able to see your face.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Does that upset you?” 

“No. I’m still happy.” Kevin unconvincingly told him, turning back away and pulling his blanket tight, “You should go and do your science. I should go to sleep. I have a lot to catch up on.” 

Carlos sighed, watching Kevin return to his human form. Scientifically very interesting and he would have to ask Cecil if he could study it when he was here but Kevin's whole demeanour he shaken him more than he wanted to admit. It wasn't often Kevin admitted being unhappy to Carlos, if ever, but this was bad. 


	12. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - 'Lazy' Evening (Citrus and Sunshine Alternative)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin has a bad evening

Kevin watched as the Night Vale residence returned to their new houses to rest. It wasn’t long before the small, growing town was empty again. This was his cue. He had a lot of work to do to get the radio station ready and the sooner he could start work the better. He certainly hadn’t waited to make sure that no one would be coming back out. It made sense that once everyone retired they would stay in their own homes. 

The thought that anyone would come back out was only dispelled when Kevin felt a large bone collide with the back of his head, almost knocking him to the ground.

“You think we don’t know what you did?” The woman behind him said in a very sarcastic tone, as if she already knew the answer to the question. Kevin had turned to look at her and then started scrambling for his glasses to hide his face for her comfort. He didn’t like the idea of having to wear them whenever other people were around but he preferred it to the idea of them screaming and running from him. 

The glasses were knocked to the floor as pairs of hands pulled Kevin’s own behind his back, a foot pushing him down onto his knees before he could fully understand what had happened. It took everything not to slip into a flashback. The thoughts of bio-robots holding him to a chair setting into his mind, jolts of pain flaring through him from his chip. It made him spasm, but otherwise Kevin hid the pain well. 

“We can call Night Vale too!” The woman continued, walking around in front of him, “We know exactly what you did to our town! What you did to my Shawn!”

“Shawn?” Kevin questioned, struggling to concentrate. Struggling to think. It was only compounded by the punch to his jaw. It wasn’t just a fist, either. The woman had been holding a sharp rock and Kevin could feel the blood dripping down his neck, so slowly and sensually. He had to bite his lip to stop himself as he thought about how nice it must look on him. Another to the other cheek from this woman while he felt the men holding him down stepping hard down on his ankles, forcing a cry from Kevin’s throat. The pain was unbearable, unspeakable. He felt a snap and he wasn’t quite sure if it was physical as well as mental. 

The next moment he had a rib in each of his hands and a bloodied man underneath his hips. The others had backed away for long enough for Kevin to put the ribs back against the cracked bone and let the desert work its magic on them. It was a slower process than Kevin had hoped, but he had quietly told the man to hold the bones in place and not to panic. It wasn’t usual that he blanked out when he attacked someone like that, at least that he knew, and he would take care of it.

As he was about to get back up and leave, pain filled his head, pulling at his skin and neck as he was dragged to his feet, several other Night Vale residents rushing forward to try to bind him with rope made of fibres from the bushes that seemed native. They were always strange to him, but a blessing all the same. He could barely stand, the feeling in his ankles agony with each step. He was being held up by the tension in his hair and the fibres, his feet not able to hold him anymore. The snap had obviously been his achilles. 

“I think we should-...” Cut off by being thrown against the floor, Kevin rolled onto his back. He couldn’t get himself up with his hands bound but managed to at least be facing the woman who was addressing him.

“Why are you here now? Trying to suck up to Carlos so he’ll help you try to take over again?”

“No.” Kevin stated, but the answer had been subpar and so he felt hands on his face. One gripped his nose shut and the other gently pushed that hand against him. Several were over his mouth, several pressing scars painfully. One even pushing into his mouth, presumably to silence him. It felt euphoric! His legs wriggled under him, reflexes trying to pull away from the restraint. It felt like forever that they held him, his vision going black what seemed like several times over. Each time they were different faces or different positions over him until they moved away again, seeming far too tired and annoyed, “W-... wonderful, but wh-...”

A sharp pain from the woman’s shoe against his guts cut his sentence short again. She was pushing down with so much force he thought he might just be impaled by the blunt boot. It only stopped long enough for a storm of kicks and stomps from every direction. Kevin curled instinctively, whimpering in pain and pleasure as he felt heat radiating through his body and hot liquid pouring from his nose and eyes and lips. 

“Are you… He’s enjoying this!” One of them noted, causing the others to end their assault. He knew exactly why and it humiliated him, causing tears to bead in his eyes. It was worse as he forgot about his binding and tried his best to cover himself from their judging eyes. He had to settle for bringing his legs back up as he tried to choke an excuse with the lack of oxygen in his lungs. Kevin panted for breath in the space between this and being dragged by his hair again. Surprisingly they had taken him into the spa this time. It took Kevin some time to realise why and by the time he had, his whole head was submerged in a bucket of shockingly cold water. He couldn’t hear what the people above him were saying as he took short, panicked gasps of liquid, burning his nose and chest as it filled his lungs. His scream was muffled by the liquid as it felt as if they were pouring lava on his back. Whatever it was clung to him, sent hot pain through his spine, and didn’t seem to cool as they left it to rest in one place as they added more and more.

The only thing that stopped this torment was when Kevin knocked the bucket over, falling to the side and starting a panic as the people started to gather the hot coals again. 

“Ready to talk, yet?” The woman sneered down at him as he coughed up more and more water, “Why are you here?” 

“Steve Carlsberg threw me into a portal and I ended up here. Surely someone told you that too!”

“This desert is big, why here?” She kicked Kevin hard when he tried to look down, forcing his face up again. He felt something wet hit him, seeing her wipe her mouth, “I don’t want to spend everyday looking at the face of the man who murdered my son!”

“I und-...”

“You could never understand what that’s like, you sick twisted monster! Don’t you dare try to say you do!” That hurt far more than anything else the woman had done to him, feeling a crushing in his chest at the words. There wasn’t time to process this, not that Kevin was used to having processing time, before a rag was pulling his face harshly against the chair. The water wasn’t a surprise but he was surprised by how long it seemed to last as he kicked and struggled against the floor. 

-

Carlos had slept better than he had in a while. He wasn’t sure if it was knowing there were more people here, the potential that it meant Cecil could visit, or if it was just sheer exhaustion. What he was sure of was that the small town was strangely quiet. It could have simply been that everyone was still asleep, having a good place to rest for once, or it could have all been a sign he was going crazy and they weren’t here at all. It made him think of Kevin and how he could quite easily slip into the same state of hallucination and delusion that the man had.

That was, until he heard a pained screech from the spa and immediately recognised who it was coming from. As if on reflex, he was moving faster than he had in a long while, shoes barely having time to sink into the sand before being pulled forward again.

When he opened the door, it wasn’t quite what he had expected to see. He couldn’t see Kevin through the circle of people but could hear him talking. His voice sounded strangled and there was an odd bubbling that came with each word. Sentences punctuated with coughing and the sound of water against the floor. 

“You need to make sure the limbs are nowhere near the body. Better, burn them or eat them.” He was saying, Carlos tilting his head at the instructions. Was Kevin teaching them to hurt here? Then why had he… 

Another scream and several sharp pleads poured from Kevin’s lips, followed by a splash and bubbles. Carlos pushed a few people out of the way, seeing the wet, bound man being forced underwater again. His shirt was in tatters, black marks highlighting the places blood was leaking from. Before Carlos could compose himself enough to speak, Kevin was above water and talking again. 

“I have a knife, my door is unlocked. It-...”

“Kevin!”

He wasn’t the only person to turn at Carlos’ voice, but he was certainly the most panicked looking of the group. Kevin was showing obvious fear but Carlos couldn’t tell if he was crying as his hair was dripping trails down his already soaked face. Blood was mingling with the water in such a way that his whole head was red with the diluted fluid. It was almost too much to look at. It was revolting. Kevin choked up mouths full of water, far more than Carlos imagined. Hypothesis: Kevin had implants to reject water in his lungs. The volume of water coming from the man would certainly suggest such. This wasn’t the right time for scientific inquiry, his heart and stomach in his mouth and head racing at a thousand miles a minute.

“What are you doing to him?” His voice was a whimper, rushing to Kevin to help him to his feet, trying his best to steady the man as he tried his best to stand, glaring back at the woman who was leading the group.

“They’re fine, Carlos.” Kevin said quickly, stopping others from replying, “Just welcoming me to the community, is all. Such nice rituals, it’s impor-...”

“Shut up, Kevin.” He did as he was told and Carlos continued, “I get that he’s done things that are unforgivable, to you, to me, to Night Vale. To the people we love. Kevin has been awful, to say the least, but there are better uses of your time than torturing each other. Kevin made most of these buildings, with the help of the masked army… but they wouldn’t make these without the direction. He’s the reason we have water! That we have plenty of food!” 

“He’s the reason my son is dead! How can you take his side? He deserves to die!”

“I know. Just… please trust me. No one deserves to die, that includes Kevin. Even if he did, drowning him isn’t going to do it. At most, it’ll just keep him in some painful stasis.” 

Kevin started to mumble something along the lines of  _ what I deserve _ but was silenced as Carlos readjusted his grip around his waist and started half-walking, half-carrying him back to his house. There was some argument from behind him but he’d stopped listening.

Kevin had plenty of Aloe Vera and gauze (being the one injured the most even when doing mundane tasks), so Carlos didn’t have to worry about getting his own supply. He stripped Kevin after cutting away his bind, understanding completely as Kevin simply sat staring at the wall as Carlos treated his wounds.

“How long were they… I-... I mean…”

“I lose track of those kinds of things. I get carried away, Carlos.” The bubbling had settled, although he could still feel the burning pressure in the depths of his chest, “Time flies when you’re having fun.”

“When did it start?”

“I left my house when you went into yours…” He started, looking away, “... I didn’t get to the lighthouse. I was very lazy last night. I didn’t get anything productive done at all. I’ll need to go now to make up for the lost time.”

Carlos opened his mouth to argue but the words couldn’t come out. Kevin knew what it meant and was shaking his head anyway. 

“When did you…”

“Almost straight away. They tied me up, kicked me, mocked me for… for my reaction… I said it sometime after that.” Kevin took a deep breath and then smiled wide, his hand finding Carlos’ to stop him rubbing the soothing gel into the burns on his chest. His other hand gently stroked the tears from Carlos’ cheek causing Kevin to shiver pleasurably as he saw the blood smear in their place, “I’m back now. Have been since they started with the belt… oddly. It was so delightful, it snapped me right back to myself, I guess it made me think back to when I was a kid, you know? Now I’m just hot and bothered,  _ Carlos. _ ” 

“I can see that, Kevin.” He sighed, shaking his head but not taking his hand back from Kevin’s grasp, “Do you want some privacy?”

The only reply was a nod, Kevin acknowledging that the question was a hint that Carlos would not be aiding. He had imagined that Carlos would reject the advance but he hadn’t imagined the way it would make him feel.. As soon as the man was gone, Kevin curled into a ball, wet face only dripping more as he laughed. If he laughed, his tears were happy. If he laughed, he was happy. It didn’t matter about the odd vertigo he was feeling. He was happy.


	13. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Apologies (No original version).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin tries his best to apologise to Shawn's mother, but ends up making things worse. Carlos has been experimenting in a new way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >>>>>>>>>> I'm going to put a warning for the 'go to sleep' thing, but nothing actually happens.

It took a day to recover. A day of laying in bed, not able to get up. Not able to do anything. Not able to be productive.  _ Smiling God  _ he felt useless. He’d never needed this long to recover, if any time at all. It hurt, sure, but he worked through pain all the time. He had worked through pain far worse than this and hadn’t even had the luxury of someone dressing his wounds first. Still, he felt like someone had put a tonne of cinder blocks on his chest and walked away. Tight. Suffocating. Painful. 

Carlos hadn’t visited to see how he was doing but Kevin just assumed that was because he had expected Kevin to be out when he was in bed. Kevin had promised only to work when everyone else wasn’t, so it made sense that Carlos would expect to see him less. Expect to avoid him. Another thought was that Kevin had scared Carlos off completely. Another than the Night Valians had convinced him to ignore Kevin. 

When he eventually got out of bed he could see the Night Valians working outside and watched them for a few minutes. They worked well as a team, everyone doing their own jobs and laughing as they did them. Their smiles were so genuine.

Kevin sighed deeply, taking his smile knife out of the drawer and looking over it as he moved over to his mirror.

The metal tasted cold. It didn’t usually. It wasn’t in his mouth long enough for him to notice. He didn’t usually shake so much. He was pushing himself as hard as possible to just  _ do it. _ His cheek was thin enough. He could stitch himself back up before Carlos would notice, if Carlos ever wanted to see him again. 

“Go t-...” He paused, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes tight, “N-no… No.” 

With a skilled flick, Kevin moved the knife back to his side, the handle outward rather than the blade. Feet moved on their own, marching out of the door and towards the most recognisable woman. His smile was back on his face as soon as he left the house, although he realised he probably looked like he was about to correct whatever they were doing. He couldn't really tell what they were building but it was progress for the town.

“Hi there, Ms…?” 

Shawn’s mother spun around at Kevin’s voice, glaring at him immediately.

“I’m not giving  _ you _ my name! You better get out of here right now or your little boyfriend isn’t going to save you this time.” 

“Delightful. You know he started dating Cecil, right?” His black eyes looked her up and down, hoping to give her what she expected from him, “I need to speak with you alone.” 

His hand raised to pass her his knife, hoping she wouldn’t question the gesture and semi-hoping she wouldn’t simply stab him with it. It didn’t take a moment for her to grab the weapon and gesture towards her house with it. 

-

He had expected hostility, but he hadn’t expected this conversation to be against a wall with his own knife to his throat. He also hadn’t expected the woman’s reaction. She had obviously taken this gesture a lot differently to how Kevin had intended it. 

“So, how do I do this? Start with the head?”

“Ho… actually… We talk first… maybe?”

“What on Earth could _you_ want to talk to _me_ about?”

“Well…” Kevin put his hands up to show her that he wasn’t hiding anything. Still, his smile was not helping his situation at all, “... which Shawn was your Shawn? I can’t justify what I did but I can at least tell you  _ what  _ happened to him.” 

She snarled, pressing the knife harder to his throat and drawing a whimper from him. Still, she pulled her wallet out with the other hand, shoving the picture in Kevin’s face.

“This is Shawn! He was a good man! He had a girlfriend and a life! You took that away from him.” 

Kevin studied the picture for a moment, her words slipping past him as the room around him seemed to fade just a little. 

_ “Sure am, pal!” His own words echoed in his head. The blood. All over his hands. All down the wall. The shaking fear in his chest. Lauren’s voice. _

“I-... uhm... He died quickly. Head trauma. I was scared he’d tell Lauren…that I had taken too much of my medicine… Oh, he was so friendly… ho… ho, I couldn’t even think… one second he was talking…” Kevin put a hand to his face, trying to hold back his laughter. He felt sick to his stomach at the memory. At his own reaction to it, “I thought I’d go back.... I-... I’m sorry. They would have trained me again. Ha… I  _ love  _ training.”

“Sorry will  _ never  _ be enough. She should have killed you, Lauren Mallard, she should have killed you and left you in the street like you did to my Shawn.”

A sharp pain. Blood. So much blood. It wasn’t his neck but his shoulder. She’d withdrawn the blade and let his blood pour from the wound. It was _fantastic._ It was so _delightfully_ painful. So red. So warm. So _pleasant._

“Get out. I don’t want to see you in this town again.”

“But Carlos…”

“Tell him you chose to leave. This is _our_ town! We've been here far longer than you. I don't care what you made here, you're not welcome.”

Kevin giggled, nodding rather than verbally accepting her words. She was right, after all. Carlos was here first. That meant that Night Vale was here first and he wasn't welcome in Night Vale, rightfully so. 

-

Kevin didn’t bother trying to patch his shoulder. It would heal and if it didn’t his arm implants made enough blood for it not to be too much of an issue. Instead he went to Carlos’ house, trying to ignore the people staring at him in obvious terror. He knocked at Carlos’ door, trying his best to level his expression but failing miserably and ending up smiling wider.

The next thing he knew he was the other side of the door, sandwiched between it and Carlos. Rough lips parting his own and the tiniest words breaking through the passionate moment.

“I love you.” Carlos breathed.

“I’m not Cecil.” 

“I love you, Kevin.”

His heart skipped and heat flushed through his body as he pulled Carlos closer, a hand running down his side as he felt Carlos’ own working at his tattered shirt. It was incredible. Fireworks going off behind his eyes as they kissed until they couldn’t breathe. 

“I need you. Right now.” Carlos whined. He was focusing on Kevin’s shirt and it took Kevin until Carlos was tugging the fabric off of his shoulder to realise that he seemed to be completely ignoring Kevin’s still bleeding stab wound. 

“This is wonderful, Carlos, but I seem to be bleeding.”

At first Carlos didn’t stop, getting on his knees before even registering the words. He had the biggest smile Kevin had ever seen on his face and didn’t seem to care at all about the words that Kevin had said so much as Kevin’s voice. At least now he was looking up at Kevin.

“Anyone would think you took some of my medicine, Carlos. Why don’t I-...” Carlos’ smile faltered for a second at the mention of medicine before pulling back onto his face. The man stopped looking at Kevin completely, instead going back to pulling at the button on his trousers. He seemed to be struggling, “You took my medicine? You took my medicine, Carlos? Carlos!… You’re intoxicated… I don’t-....” 

“It’s fine, relax.” Carlos cooed, finally getting the button undone, “It was just for science. Scientifically speaking, you can’t know the efficacy of a drug unless you take it. It is very efficient.”

“Ok… but…” Kevin twitched as he felt Carlos tugging his trousers to the floor, whimpering, “Go to sleep.”

They both froze, Carlos slowly looking up at him. He was cursing the fact all he could feel right now was the amazing adrenaline rush and so much wonderful serotonin and dopamine that he wasn’t even sure this was really Kevin. He wanted badly to feel  _ awful  _ but he just felt deliriously happy and physically numb everywhere except the one place he wanted to  _ stop  _ feeling in. 

“It’s fine, relax.” Kevin cooed, stroking Carlos’s hair carefully, “I don’t mind. Do what you want.”

“I do.”

“Oh, Carlos. You were going to let me take advantage of you. It’s only right I return the favour.” 

“Can you help me to stop smiling?” Carlos asked, ignoring Kevin’s statement as he got to his feet.

“There’s only one way I’ve been snapped out of it before and you don’t want that.” Kevin sighed, putting a finger to Carlos’ lips to stop him from asking, “As wonderful as it is to see you smile like this, I want you to think about the worst thoughts you can. Try to upset yourself. I’ll make you coffee.”

Carlos scratched his arm as Kevin pulled his trousers back on and went to boil the kettle, shuffling where he was and watching him. It was only when Kevin looked round while pouring the drinks that Carlos moved to the sofa, leaning back into the soft cushions and starting to laugh. Kevin didn’t mind this, although Carlos kept covering his mouth in a way Kevin knew all too well. He didn’t want to laugh. He didn’t want to smile. Pointing it out would make it worse. 

“You shouldn’t mess with drugs when you don’t know what’s in them, Carlos.” 

“You told me what was in them.” Carlos objected cheerily, going to take the cup but stopping when Kevin shook his head, “I’m sure I can hold a drink, Kevin.” 

“I told you what was in the vial  _ I  _ had. I know every employee’s specific cocktail, emotion-wise. I’m sure that if you told me how you feel then I’d be able to guess the name on that bottle. Let’s see, we have  _ happy, horny, loving,  _ and  _ nervous.  _ Which narrows it down a little but I need to know what else to really tell.” 

“Well… Angry. No… more…  _ aggressive _ . Whatever we do, I want to be leading it… no… not leading it… I don’t know. I want it to be rough.”

“Carlos, can you tell me a secret you don’t want me to know?”

“Sure, you mean like how I am actually really enjoying this stuff, it’s great. I can think about Cecil and not feel sad, I don’t care about your emotions right now, and…  _ and…  _ My whole body feels tingly and numb, well...” 

Kevin nodded, thinking for a few minutes. Carlos continued to ramble on about a variety of topics. Science, maths, Kevin’s face. Kevin didn’t like that topic as much. Apparently Carlos had been disgusted by it to start with but now he just felt sad when he looked at Kevin, except for he didn't feel sad at this specific moment and Kevin looked 'almost as beautiful as Cecil'. 

“What do you think of my stab wound?”

“Stab wound? Oh… you’re hurt. You’re covered in blood…” Carlos stared at it. The blood had dried and the wound had healed now but it was still obviously blood and obviously painful, “That’s just you though. I-... uhm… I feel indifferent towards it.”

“Right… and if you were not high?”

“I’d probably be absolutely disgusted.”

“That narrows it down a lot… most Desert Bluffs citizens responded to Strex's first line of treatments. _StrexRewards_ they called it. Positive stimuli for the correct synapses firing.” Kevin started, narrowing his eyes at Carlos, “Carlos… why did you tell me you love me?”

“Three reasons. One, it’s true and I hate it. I shouldn’t love you…” Kevin made a sad noise but tried his best not to interrupt, “I mean, it’s you for a start. For a second, I have a boyfriend who is a hundred times better. Well, in most ways. Two, I am very scared right now and you are a comfort. It was one way to get you to comfort me. Three, is that I wanted in your pants. I still do... you know… right now.” 

“Thanks for respecting that I do not.” 

“Anytime, Kev!” 

“Don’t call me that… Give me  _ my  _ medicine. I’d be excited to introduce you to anyone else’s… You’re scared because of the hormones, not the drug. Strex has strict protocols to make sure every employee learns in the most ethical and efficient way for them. For me…” Kevin laughed briefly, shaking his head as he tried to stop himself, “... I just _love_ being scared. Don’t you?”

Carlos stared at him, opening his mouth to speak but not knowing what words to say. Kevin stared back, not making eye contact with him but instead staring at his lips. He could tell Carlos wasn’t comfortable and, frankly, neither was he. Carlos was still smiling wide and his eyes seemed to get distant and then snap back into the present every now and then. 

“Cecil’s coming. He’s going to see me like this. Two weeks, Night Vale time.”

“No he won’t. How long have you been taking it?”

“About a week.”

“Give me the vial, Carlos. I’ll help wean you off, it shouldn’t take long.” Kevin told him, putting his hand out for the bottle this time. He tried his best not to be annoyed when Carlos still didn’t hand it to him, “It’s the least I can do for my best friend.” 

He waited. Carlos just stared off. He waited still, moving his hand closer to Carlos. Carlos had acknowledged the gesture now and his hand moved towards his pocket but stopped at his leg, pretending he hadn’t understood Kevin. He didn’t want to give it to him and as much as he was trying to justify it to himself by telling himself that it was for Kevin’s sake, he just didn’t want to stop taking it. He felt good. He felt bad about feeling good but he felt so happy. Happier than he had in almost ten years. He didn’t have to try to sound happy when on the phone to Cecil. He didn’t have to try to smile around Kevin. He didn’t have to  _ try _ . Without it, he’d be back to square one,  _ or worse,  _ and would have to force himself to pretend all over again. Pretend to be happy about being here. Pretend to be happy about being with Kevin, although he didn’t always need to pretend that. Pretend to be fine with Cecil’s alcoholism and the pain he was obviously putting him in. Pretend that he hadn’t found out that he didn’t belong in the one place he’d ever truly called  _ home.  _ It was too much to imagine, never mind to bare. He hadn’t even noticed the smile had left his face until Kevin cleared his throat as a way to ask  _ again  _ for the  _ StrexCalm. _

“No.”

Kevin paused, thinking about his next move. He wouldn’t convince him to hand it over and it obviously wasn’t having the desired effects, so demanding further would do nothing but make Carlos annoyed and possibly violent. 

“Fine. I can’t force you.” He agreed, turning so his whole body was facing Carlos, “Smiling God, I’m finding it hard to say ‘no’ to that smile.” 

Carlos said nothing, leaning backwards as Kevin climbed on top of him. Their lips met as Carlos’ head rested against the arm rest, hands exploring each other’s torsos. To Carlos, it felt like magic. Sparks in his stomach and cheeks. To Kevin, it felt wrong but necessary. Moans escaped Carlos’ mouth as Kevin worked his way to that special spot under his ear that he liked so much, his hand running down Carlos’ side and into the pocket of his lab coat. 

“Kevin, why don’t you call me Diego this time?” 

Kevin froze, composing himself before replying.

“How about I don’t.” 

“But you love him and I call you Cecil so often. Just pretend I’m Diego.” 

“I-... Not this time, Carlos, this is about you… Oh, that reminds me. I’ll be back in a moment.” He had no intention of continuing this after he had done what he needed to. There were a lot of excuses he could give but just hoped that Carlos would settle for something about missing Diego and Carlos not looking _enough_ like him. He hoped Carlos wouldn't feel the same way he had felt when Carlos was talking about Cecil.

Carlos whined as Kevin moved away, but smiled at the blown kiss Kevin offered before he disappeared into the bathroom, quickly pulling the syringe and bottle from his pocket. 

_ StrexCalm. Kevin T. Palmer. 20mg/ml. 4ml, As required. Must be given by a Strex Supervisor. Designated Supervisor: Diego Mallard.  _

“Shit.”


	14. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Relapse (No original version).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin relapses and his chip lets through a few more memories than he'd like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >>>>>>>>>>> Warnings for Gaslighting (and graphic description of drug effects) MINOR SA WARNING (it's not explicit, but it references it)*
> 
> \- The parts are surrounded by ****************  
> \- It is a part from Special Training  
> \- It's a flashback

_ Perfect. Wonderful. Delightful.  _

********

It was like sunshine running through his veins, filling his skin with warm numbness and his mind with that perfect, thick, happy fog. He wriggled his fingers, laughing at the strange but too familiar feeling. The beautiful emptiness inside his stomach made it feel like he could simply float away. Hollow. So wonderfully hollow. Fingers on his face felt like heaven. Fingers over his chest. Teeth against his lip. Happily happy. Mind filled with exquisite thoughts. 

*********

Smiling God, he had missed this. 

“Kevin, are you alright in there?” Carlos' voice was like heaven, but Kevin had to be responsible still. He was used to this feeling. He was less used to it than he used to be but he still prided himself on being the experienced person in this situation. He took a deep breath and opened the door with his nicest smile. 

“I actually just remembered, Carlos. I need to go and sort out the water well. It’s had a few issues and I’m sure that the lovely citizens we met will be delighted to have better service and cleaner water!” 

“Oh… maybe tomorrow then?” 

“When you’ve sobered up, I might be more inclined.” Kevin hummed, moving past Carlos and back to his own house. 

He was sure it wouldn’t be long before Carlos noticed the missing vial, so he needed to hide it somewhere Carlos wouldn’t look. Under the floor was an option but somewhat obvious. Keeping it on himself was a good idea but it would be difficult to sleep with it in his pocket. Eventually he hid it in an old coffee can and then in his cupboard with his other coffee. This is far better than hiding something like that under a bed as it just blended in with its environment. 

-

The next morning, Kevin took the vial and syringe out again. He rolled it in his fingers, watching the liquid flow from one side to the other. He knew he shouldn’t take anymore, he shouldn’t have taken it again in the first place, but he felt especially  _ not happy  _ today and more importantly, it felt wrong again. Up until that point he’d been sharing his feelings with Carlos, even if he avoided saying that he felt sad or hurt, he had at least been describing things in a more realistic light. He had at least been working through some of his problems, even without acknowledging out loud that they hurt. Today it felt wrong to ever think they did. 

He’d had a dream last night. He tried not to dream often but last night he had a bad dream. He couldn’t tell if it was a memory or some terrible thought that he couldn’t push out but it felt so real. So close. His chip was meant to stop him from remembering things Strex hadn’t wanted him to know, both from before and after he had it put in, but his chip had been failing more and more the more that he was here. It still worked, it just worked  _ wrong _ . 

*******************

\--

“Feeling better?”

The voice rang in his ears as every pain evaporated into a hardly noticeable heat and then away completely. A smile pulled onto his face no matter how hard he was trying to force it down, heart racing at the sight of the chiselled man in front of him. 

“Yes. What do you want?” Kevin said, sounding far too happy for his own liking.

“Do you remember who I am today?” He asked. His voice was rich but soft, caring. It wasn’t a voice he’d expected to hear here. It was the voice of someone whose relative was in the hospital, caring but scared of what would happen. 

“I’ve never seen you before in my life and don’t try to tell me you have. You’re obviously with them.” 

“With them? I just gave you pain relief and an anti-psychotic! Kevin, I’m here to try and help you! I only took this job to make sure you were safe!” 

“Do I look safe? Strapped to a chair with electrodes all over me? Really? Great job you’re doing keeping me  _ safe. _ ” 

“Kevin, I’m doing what I can… please, just do what they want and maybe they’ll be lighter on you. I don’t know what they want, they won’t tell me, but they’ll stop hurting you. I can’t bear to see you like this.” Sure, there was genuine concern in his voice but Kevin couldn’t trust what he was saying. He felt way too joyful,  _ among other things, _ to trust the man, not to mention that he was sure his memory hadn’t gone yet so it was obvious what he was trying to do to him. 

“Oh…” Kevin started, pausing to build some saliva in his mouth. It was hard having not had a drink in several days but he managed enough to spit in the other’s face, “... I know what you’re doing. Let me tell you the  _ facts.  _ Lauren Mallard killed my girlfriend, dragged me here with  _ your  _ robots, strapped me to a device and tortured me;

********************

they let someone who I thought was my friend assault me;

********************

they cut off my tentacles; and now you’ve been sent to drug and gaslight me. What, your regular methods not working?” 

The man looked down for a moment, cleaning his face with a handkerchief and then pressing the other side to the bridge of his nose, back and chest trembling. 

“I’m your boyfriend, Kevin. I can’t believe you made up some girlfriend to replace me… That you think you had some… tentacles. What have they done to you?” 

“I don’t know you. Give up the crying act!” 

“It’s me, Kevin!” The man jumped up, grabbing Kevin’s forearms and staring straight into his eyes. It was intense. Kevin could see the pain in his eyes, the fear, the hatred, but there was no way that it was towards Kevin’s situation. He’d only been here for three days, there was no way that he had forgotten or made up a whole new life that quickly, “Please, It’s me, Diego. Kevin, please.” 

“Fuck off.” 

Diego looked offended but turned and left without another word. 

-

This wasn't the only memory of similar that haunted Kevin's dream that night. Many times. Different reactions from Kevin. The one that had finally woken him with a start was when he had said _"Do I not get a good morning kiss, today, Dee?"_

\---

*****************

Kevin walked with a skip in his step and a wide smile on his face, greeting several people on his short way to Carlos’ house. 

“I thought I told you to leave town!” Shawn’s mother had barked at him, but he’d simply shrugged in return before slipping into Carlos’ house. He was excited, ecstatic, warm and all he could see on everyone’s terrified faces were wide, wide,  _ wide smiles.  _

It’s strange how someone can go from that level of happiness to instantly terrified within a second. Despite hormones, a rather slow messenger, being mainly responsible for emotions, they can change in an instant. Sure, it’s to do with nerves and it’s there to protect people but it’s weird. This is how Kevin felt as the blood drained from his face and his brain freezing. Leaning against Carlos’ counter was the man who he had recently decided that he never wanted to see again. Slick back hair, beautiful brown eyes, and a lab coat. Sure, his suit was a bit tacky for Diego’s taste but Kevin couldn’t process that information at this point. 

“Where’s Carlos?”

“Let’s say… he went for a walk.” Diego purred, moving over to Kevin, his eyes running up and down the smaller man. He watched Kevin stiffen as his hands ran around his back and pulled him into a soft kiss, “It’s just us here.” 

“I-... Ok…” Kevin held back a gasp, instead making a small whimper, “I need to talk to you…”

“Not yet.” A calloused finger pressed to his lips. It wasn’t like Diego to not have a fresh manicure but this was the desert otherworld, “I want you, Kevin, it’s been  _ so  _ long.” 

**************

Kevin took a deep breath, trying to figure out which version of events he actually wanted to remember. Did Diego really hurt him so badly and he’d just forgotten, or was Diego just as much a puppet as Kevin was, the puppet who had apologised for following his script and had laughed about the other employees falling for him and Kevin pretending to keep to it. The latter was easier to accept in the situation, but if he found out the first was true it would make this situation a huge regret. 

Eventually Kevin decided that the temporary comfort of believing Diego truly loved him, the way he’d been training to love the man back, and let him lead him into the bedroom. It felt wrong to be doing this in Carlos’ house, especially with what Diego had said about Carlos. It felt disrespectful. Still, Kevin tried to focus on the fact that he had someone’s,  _ anyone’s, _ undivided attention. 

***************

-

Kevin clutched the covers, pulling them tight to his chin as he laid apart Diego. He had found it a little weird that Diego hadn’t removed his lab coat, even Carlos normally removed his lab coat. Sure, Diego didn’t tend to remove his suit but his lab coat would be discarded very quickly. 

“Anyway…” Kevin hadn’t expected how sore his voice had become but swallowed and tried again, “... I’m having memories I shouldn’t be. My chip isn’t working how it should and I’m remembering things that… well, I hope they’re not true. Things you wouldn’t like, Dee. Things Strex wouldn’t like.” 

Diego stared at the ceiling for a good minute. He looked thoughtful and that’s what Kevin needed. He needed Diego to think of a solution, to think of a way to look at his chip and fix it. A way to take away the bad memories and just leave the ones he wanted. When Diego looked at him again, Kevin’s heart sank. He looked sad and confused but his words were even worse.

“You… know I’m actually Carlos, right?” 

Kevin looked over to him in shock and surprise, getting a nervous smile in return. He wasn’t exactly sure how to feel about the situation. He had planned to be intimate with Carlos anyway, so that wasn’t too much of an issue, but he had truly believed that Diego was there. That Diego had changed, become more caring. That he would be able to talk to him about what had happened, what had actually happened. 

“Sure, I was just… venting. I don’t think Diego would pick up if I called.” 

“He would. He did.” Carlos told him, watching Kevin as he simply stared at the ceiling. He was listening but it was obvious that he was thinking rather than processing, “You left your phone here, I asked how to… well… act more like him for you.” 

“He wouldn’t have kissed me like that. He should have told you that.”

“He asked me to do that. Seriously, Kevin, you should try calling him.” 

“That must have been a detailed conversation you had.” Kevin raised an eyebrow as he looked at Carlos and Carlos quickly looked away, 

“Yeah… it was. Not unpleasant, though.” 

"You know, when Diego says someone is _'taking a walk'_ he means that he'd killed them, right?" 

Carlos wasn't sure how to answer, trying not to think about how Kevin had reacted to the new.

“I’ll call him later... Just so you know, my reaction would be far worse if I wasn't high.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * It will be more obvious that /that/ is what it's referencing when Special Training comes out.


	15. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) -Diego (No original version).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set surround the previous chapter (Carlos talks to Diego. Kevin talks to Diego)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >>>>>>>>>>>>>> Warnings for drug abuse
> 
> The next few chapters in fact. Just all of it. 
> 
> Main plot parts; 
> 
> \- Carlos is hooked on StrexCalm  
> \- Carlos asked Diego how to make Kevin happy (in bed)  
> \- Kevin asked Diego about his chip  
> \- Strex is shutting his chip off bit by bit because they want to find Kevin for parts  
> \- Kevin asked Diego how to wean Carlos off of StrexCalm

Carlos growled, gripping the sides of his sofa.  _ God  _ it was painful now. Toes curled and trying to think of anything but  _ that.  _ His skin was itching and he couldn’t find where he had put the  _ StrexCalm. _ It wasn’t in his pocket, which is where he had thought it was. It wasn’t in his lab equipment. He bit his nails and kept looking at his phone, hoping it was almost morning. Kevin said he’d help in the morning. Kevin could find more. Kevin wouldn’t… no, Kevin wouldn’t leave him like this. Kevin wouldn’t let him go through withdrawal. Would he even survive if he did? He supposed so, Kevin had died over and over and was still here. He certainly didn’t want that. He really didn't want that. No. Kevin wouldn't do that to him. Kevin loved him. Kevin wouldn't want Carlos to die, even temporarily.

He pushed himself quickly off of the sofa and passed the kitchen instead, looking over his things as if he would suddenly spot where he had put it down. He didn’t spot the vial, however there was something else out of place. It took a lot of focus to realise it but there was a phone on the counter. He hadn’t brought his phone in with him, so it wasn’t his. It looked like his, but it was Kevin’s. He should probably take it back to him, but he didn’t really want to disturb Kevin if he was sleeping. Instead he picked it up and took it back into the other room with him.

The pictures on the phone were no help to Carlos. Not only did he feel like he was being very invasive by looking at them, but Vanessa really wasn’t his type at all. He wasn’t really sure what Kevin saw in her but pushed those thoughts to the side in favour of assuming she had a good personality and that was what mattered. There was nothing scientifically interesting on the phone and the internet was limited to Strex approved websites, so he couldn’t use that. He didn’t think about doing that on his phone or laptop. He was far too distracted by his crawling skin and those beautifully synthesised emotions. 

Then it came to him. Kevin had Diego in his contacts. 

Carlos stared at the entry, finger hovering over the call button as he debated with himself. Kevin would probably appreciate Carlos returning the favour that Kevin had given him so many times, but this was Kevin’s phone and wasn’t it a little private to just call his ex? Did Diego even know Kevin was here? Did Diego know about Kevin and Carlos’ arrangement? How would he react? These thoughts carried on for over an hour before Carlos finally got the courage to press down. 

At first, all Carlos could hear was some woman yelling about Diego being  _ ‘stupid’  _ and telling him to  _ ‘go fuck himself next time’ _ . Then there was a clatter and a voice came over the phone, a voice far too close to his own. He had expected Diego to have a different voice, seeing as Carlos had changed his vocal cord, in the same way that Kevin and Cecil had different voices. The only difference was the intonation. Diego used the deeper side of his voice and was way more formal than Carlos. 

“Kevin… Sorry, Harmony was here… you’re... you're alive?” The man had paused for a response but the words stuck in Carlos’ throat, “Kevin?”

“He’s fine. Kevin’s fi-...”

“Who  _ the fuck  _ are you?”

He could hear the malice dripping off that statement and started to completely reconsider the conversation. He could just hang up, but Diego would call straight back. It would give him a few minutes due to the time difference but that would probably make him even more anxious. 

“Well… I’m Carlos, I’m a scientist. I’m also… well... “

“You’re with Kevin now?” 

“Not right now. He’s at his house… I actually wanted to know about you.” 

Diego sighed deeply and Carlos heard a lighter sparking the other side of the line. He assumed the other was waiting for Carlos to explain himself but he had no idea how to actually do that without either making an enemy or getting hung up on. Instead he sent Diego a picture of himself waving, hoping that would explain everything he wanted to without actually having to say it. 

“Oh… That’s uncanny.” Diego started, not letting Carlos reply before talking again, “So, I’m guessing he wants you to act like me, right?” 

  
  
Carlos sent a picture of Cecil from his own phone with the message  _ ‘this is my boyfriend’.  _

“Mutually beneficial. Right… look, just wear a suit under your lab coat, treat him dominantly, and if you want to add that little extra he won’t be expecting, kiss him deep. Until you run out of breath. As many times as he’ll let you.” 

“Alright… I think I get it. What about… well…” 

“What, you want a step-by-step?” 

“Kinda.”

\---

Carlos returned Kevin’s phone to him and changed back into his normal clothes, feeling slightly awkward about the whole situation now they had spoken about it. Kevin had told him about the memories and what exactly he thought Diego would do about them and Carlos had disagreed, telling Kevin again that performing brain surgery out here would likely kill him. Still, he couldn’t stop Kevin from asking. He did warn him that Diego might actually make things worse or report him to Strex but Kevin denied both claims. 

He waited for Carlos to leave before dialling, not completely sure what he’d even say when the other man answered.

“How was it, Carlos?” He didn’t sound annoyed or amused like Kevin had thought he might. He sounded jaded. Like he had always sounded but far more worn down with time. 

“You missed a few details.” 

Kevin waited for a response but Diego stayed silent. They both just waited for several minutes, the only sound between them was a rustling of sheets from Diego’s end.

“We need to talk about my chip.” Kevin eventually started, breathing deep, “It’s not working the way it-...”

“It’s working fine. Strex assumed you were dead so they’ve been releasing data slowly. If we did it faster it would corrupt the chip. Corrupt the chip, can't use it again.” Diego sighed deeply, sparking what Kevin hoped was just a cigarette, “There’s a reward on your head, returning your body so we can strip it for parts.” 

“Lovely… but I’m alive so you can stop that now.”

The pause was uncomfortable. It was far longer than Kevin thought it needed to be, but he assumed it was hard for Diego to find the words. Unlike Carlos, Diego didn’t stutter or trip over himself when he spoke. He paused and then he made what he was saying very clear, avoiding any chance of miscommunication where possible. 

“Your life isn’t worth as much as that tech is worth to Damien. The way he sees it, if you show up, you’re dead. As it is, it was Lauren and I stopping him from killing you and now she’s gone and he fired me… Don’t come back, Kevin.” 

“I wasn’t planning to. I wanted you to come here.” 

There was a laugh but it was hard to tell if it was amused or scared. That scared Kevin more than what he’d been told. Diego never got scared. Diego had never been scared of anything, even having a gun pressed to his head, so hearing him laugh that way now was terrifying. 

“No, Kevin. I can’t and even if I could… you probably don’t know the half of what I did to you. Releasing memories is weird but it tends to start with nicer ones.” 

“Vanessa.” 

“Yes. Vanessa.” 

“Right… One last thing, Dee.” Kevin bit his lip, trying to ground himself before he spoke, “How do I wean someone off of  _ StrexCalm? _ ”

“I’ll ask Sophie. I’ll get back to you.”

"Actually, I killed Sophie when Lauren put that collar on me."

There was a huff and then some mumbling and then he was gone. Kevin kept the phone to his ear, thinking about the conversation he'd just had and everything it meant. He was already remembering some pretty terrible things and didn't even want to imagine what else he'd soon know about what happened to him. He didn't want to think about how that would change him, how it had already changed him, or why Strex would even hide it in the first place when they hadn't left the nicest memories to start with. 


	16. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - StrexCalm (No original version).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos has problems controlling himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >>>>>> mild warning (Shawn's mother dies twice)

“This is amazing! We’ll have this done in no time!”

Sure, Carlos was productive and he was certainly getting people fired up for working, even in the hot Sun, but there was no missing the change in his demeanour. Kevin was watching from down the street and he was sure Carlos nor any of the Night Valians would notice him frowning from this distance. He didn’t like seeing Carlos like this, regardless of whether it meant he was working harder on development or not. He  _ wasn’t  _ working on science and Carlos was a  _ scientist.  _ Sure, Kevin couldn’t do what Carlos was doing right now but it didn’t make watching Carlos do it feel  _ good. _ All he could do was watch the situation as Helena (Carlos had told him Shawn’s mother’s name) would likely make him regret going over if he did. He just wanted to break the bottle at this point but that would have simply meant Carlos would go and get more and worse so, would probably hide it from Kevin. The itches had already started again and Kevin couldn’t imagine having Carlos stopping him cold turkey again. Carlos would make him stop like that. Carlos would look after him but he would make Kevin relive that awful withdrawal. 

“Ow…” He heard the words from his lips before he even felt the pain, eyes moving slowly to the knife that was now impaling his hand and the hand that drew it out. He wasn’t even sure if he did feel pain. It felt numb and warm and wet but not painful. No, he was too high for that. 

“What did you do to Carlos?” 

“Helena, please. I’m just trying to stay away from you, bu-...” Kevin was interrupted by his knife being plunged into his lung. It felt incredible. The blood. The liquid filling his chest. Just like when she drowned him. When she killed him over and over and over again. Oh how he  _ loved  _ dying, “Stop…”  _ Crack,  _ “...Stabbing…”  _ Tearing,  _ “... Me!” 

He was laughing. He was so happy. Her hair was so soft and lovely. Her eyes. He hadn’t seen them this close before. The blood dripping from her detached head. A moment of clarity to drop her, hands over his mouth while he kept laughing and laughing and laughing. 

Kevin moved her head closer to her neck again, humming the Desert Bluffs Radio tune as he waited for her head to repair itself. 

“How was death?” He asked joyfully when she was seeming more conscious, “I personally  _ love  _ the feeling of dying.” 

She didn’t reply, pushing herself away from him and scrambling to her feet. 

“Carlos!” She screamed as she ran down the road towards the others, Kevin only sighing behind her as he cleaned his smile knife, which she had discarded on the floor. 

\--

Helena had dragged Carlos into her house, throwing her arms up to gesture towards where Kevin would be standing outside.

“He just tore my head off! Tell him to leave!” 

“Or you could leave. You know how to get back to Night Vale. This is Kevin’s home, not yours.” Carlos explained, trying to look more serious but finding it hard to wipe the smile from his face, “Also, you got better. How many times did you kill him your first day here?” 

“That’s not important… Carlos, be reasonable.” She argued, sitting and sighing, letting the tears start to stream down her face, “He deserves to die. My Shawn didn’t.” 

“Well, I don’t think killing Kevin will make you feel better. It won’t bring Shawn back and I don’t know exactly what happened but I’m not asking you to forgive him. Just to understand he deserves life too.” 

“He’s tricking you. He must be. You know what he did to our town better than anyone.” She raised to her feet again, pacing the room and muttering to herself before continuing, “I know how to get rid of him. A few ideas, in fact. He could go back to Night Vale…” 

Carlos laughed and waved his hand, getting distracted for a moment by the blurred motion in front of his face when he did, giving a small  _ ‘scientifically interesting’.  _

“He’d be torn to shreds, you wouldn’t even get him there.” He grinned, trying to fight off thoughts of Kevin and Cecil fighting, covered in blood. It wasn’t meant to be so pleasant a thought, although he put it down to the placebo effect as he did  _ expect  _ so change in his disposition to blood. Still, he couldn’t get rid of the horribly  _ appealing  _ thought. A small moan slipped out and Helena just gave him a confused look before carrying on her rant. 

“... we could shove him into the desert. He wouldn’t die, just be in exile…” 

“Won’t go.” 

“... We could cut him apart and scatter his body. Tha-...”

“What?” Carlos tilted his head, hoping he had heard her wrong. He felt his blood boiling at the suggestion, everything inside him screaming to hurt her. He didn’t want to hurt her but he wasn't thinking, and he certainly wasn’t thinking like a scientist.

“Well, if we cut Kevin up then he’ll die and stay dead ri-...” 

_ Oh… That's is what this felt like. Hot. Squirming. The thick spray of red. So horribly perfect. So… disgusting… and scary… and delightful.  _

Helena fell backwards as Carlos’ eyes moved between her and the muscle in his hand. He shouldn’t have been able to do that, right? She was dead, right? What was he meant to do? What would the other citizens think? What would Kevin think? What would  _ Cecil  _ think? God, What would Cecil think!? He needed to get out of here… he needed to go somewhere,  _ anywhere,  _ just not here. He had to run. He had to hide the knife. 

_ Wait…  _ when was he holding a knife? 

There was only one place he could go, so he smiled wide and turned to go. 

\---

“Carlos? What happened?” Kevin rushed up to him, checking him for injuries as he tried to ignore the heart in Carlos’ hand.

“It was really awful… and beautiful.” Carlos mumbled, his free hand running bloodied fingers through the other’s hair, “She wanted to kill you. Actually kill you, not-...”

“Yes, I know. We've discussed it. Are  _ you  _ injured?” 

“No…”

“Wonderful. Then go and put that back! We don’t know how long she’s got before she’s gone completely.”

Carlos nodded, but eventually needed Kevin to put an arm around his waist and lead him back to Helena’s house to get Carlos to put her heart back in her chest. It took longer than usual, but eventually the woman gasped, Kevin giving her a reassuring smile and waving for Carlos to leave again. 

"Are you al-..."

"Get away from me!" Helena barked, slapping his face, "You've brainwashed him! That's _not_ Carlos!"

Kevin rubbed his check, sighing and sitting next to her. He would have fetched her a blanket but decided it wasn't a good idea to go through her stuff, so instead pulled her into a loose hug. 

"He wasn't thinking. He's been taking the stuff Strex used to make their employees more... pliable. I'm trying to get him clean." Kevin explained in a gentle tone, surprised that she hadn't tried to move away from him, "It's like... one second something happens and then the next everything has gone wrong and there's blood everywhere. You get scared of something and you're not there anymore." 

"Don't try to excuse what you did." 

"No... I know." He sighed, taking out his smile knife again and pressing the handle into her hand, "You have two options. You know what they are. Just, if you pick... just do it at night when Carlos isn't around. If you go back, give me my knife back. It's sacred and I shouldn't be giving it to you at all. Really, you should go back. Everyone here has problems and you need support and you can't get it here. Go back to your family. Live a wonderfully happy life. Move on." 

Helena turned to him, searching his face. Kevin could tell she was trying to figure out if he was trying to manipulate her and he supposed his intentions weren't completely pure. He really wanted to stop being stabbed. 

"How does your chest feel?" 

"Painful." 

"It will go away eventually. My burns still hurt, but they don't self repair." Kevin sighed, biting his lip as he thought about his next words, "My attitude is very important to me, Helena, but... I want you to know that I feel sick when I think about what I've done." 

"You're not getting sympathy from me." 

"That's why I wish we could be friends." He agreed, letting a tear run down his face before he wiped the trail away and stood, forcing his smiling back onto his face, "I don't want sympathy. I just want friends." 

She didn't reply so Kevin left without another word, going back to Carlos and wrapping his arms loosely around his shoulders.

"I just killed someone." Carlos' voice was disturbingly neutral, his eyes set on his bloodied hands, "I just killed someone... I need to stop taking this stuff." 

"True... but you need to do it slowly, Carlos." 

"No. I need to stop." He turned to Kevin, watching his black eyes expanding unnaturally on his face. 

"Carlos, trust me, you want to take it slowly. How much did you take _after_ I gave you your dose for today?" 

"Just another dose. You took five doses and you survived, you said."

"Carlos... I had been on it for over a decade." 


	17. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Forgive (Forgive alternative)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cecil has come to visit and Kevin's isn't entirely comfortable with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >>>>>>>>>>>>>> Chapter warnings
> 
> \- Trigger word use ************'d  
> \- Implied SA (doesn't happen, Kevin suggests it will), *****************'d

“Hey, Carlos, have you se-...” Kevin was stopped by the scene in front of him. The two hadn’t even bothered to remove their clothes, coiled around each other with all too familiar movement. As much as part of him wanted to watch, he simply turned on his heels and left again. It was good that neither of them had seemed to register his presence and that he had his dark glasses covering his face.

He had found an old tunic while scavenging the desert that day but his was a little tight. It didn't look like it would be tight, but when he put it on it seemed to pull against his chest. Still better than nothing. It was time to harvest some of the vegetables and his Smile knife had gone missing. Helena wasn't at home, so he assumed she had left but had no idea where she had put it. Just another thing he’d have to try and find or replace, although he wasn’t exactly sure how to make a knife himself. Sure, he could harvest the vegetables without it but it was difficult and inefficient. The fruits were easier to do without but would go mouldy faster. Still, he was sure he could find it without Carlos and if not he would have to bear with the fact he would need to work extra hours today to make up for it. Carlos was busy with Cecil. With  _ Cecil _ . The person Carlos wanted to be here. It didn’t bother him, he told himself. It shouldn’t bother him, he told himself. 

-

He was about half way through picking tomatoes, head full of sweet fantasies. Carlos kissing his eyes and stroking his hair. Laying with him. Picking the tomatoes with him. Instead he was just here with Vanessa’s not-very-helpful help. He’d almost forgotten the pain between his shoulder blades, which he’d put down to sleeping wrong the night before.

Then a familiar voice snapped him out of his fantasies. The sound hit him like a train. 

“What do you have under your shirt?” Cecil questioned, putting a hand on the lump for a second before they were both jumping away from one another. Cecil yelped in shock and Kevin yelp in pain, covering his mouth to stop Cecil from hearing his voice. Kevin’s arms went behind him but couldn’t quite reach whatever it was that Cecil had touched to cause such horrible lightning to fill his limbs. He didn’t answer, pointing at the scar on his throat that matched Carlos’, the way the two of them had discussed before Cecil’s visit.

“Let me see…” The horribly similar man grumbled, walking around to the other side of Kevin and pulling his tunic up, “... my God, why do you have a knife in your back?”

Kevin simply shrugged, whimpering as Cecil retrieved the blade and handed it to him. 

_ “Thanks.”  _ He signed

_ “No problem.”  _ Cecil returned,  _ “Come on, we should get you bandaged.” _

_ “No need! Knife wounds heal. Not like burns.” _

There was a small, awkward nod shared between them before Kevin realised Cecil hadn’t acknowledged the state of Kevin’s back when he retrieved the knife. The silence hung in the air in such an awful way. It was far more painful than the knife had been coming out of his back.

“Cecil! Are you ok?” Both of them snapped around at the panicked voice. Before either of them could understand the question, Carlos was pressing patches of, a very confused, Cecil’s shirt as if looking for something. 

Kevin understood exactly what he was looking for. Kevin understood exactly what this scene looked like. Kevin holding a blood covered knife,  _ his  _ blood covered knife. Well, he wasn’t holding it anymore and nor was he staying to hear, what he assumed would be, Carlos yelling at him for being around Cecil unsupervised. It wasn’t long before he could hear Carlos calling after him, not using his name of course. 

“You have to understand that a knife in your back isn’t the first assumption someone would make.” Kevin would have ignored the statement if it wasn’t for the hand clutching his wrist. It’s hard to ignore something that was emotionally holding you in place. He could easily remove the hand but that would hurt Carlos. He checked that Cecil hadn’t followed before answering.

“Leave me alone, or I will decorate my face with you.” 

“Hot.” Carlos grinned, trying his best to ignore the actual implication Kevin was trying to get across. It seemed to have the desired effect, as Kevin’s lips parted briefly but didn’t make any noise, “Kevin, I trust you with Cecil. It just wasn’t what I expected to see. So, how is your back?”

“I didn’t realise there was a knife in it, so…” His words trailed off as he spotted Cecil over Carlos’ shoulder. He would have looked away when the two kissed if he hadn’t been stopped by long, soft fingers under his chin. Cecil wasn’t pressing hard but Kevin knew the gesture well enough not to move until the fingers were gone. Why was he doing this? Forcing Kevin to watch him kiss Carlos. Kevin couldn’t even argue with it. Did Cecil know who he was? Was Cecil trying to torment him? Getting revenge in the most devastating way? 

Then it hit him. ‘Hit’ may not have been the correct word. It brushed him. Pressed against him. His chest tight. Breath stopped. Blood rushing. His eyes moved to Carlos, who was watching, cheeks tinted and lip lost under those perfect teeth. This made even less sense but Kevin didn’t want to complain. Carlos was enjoying it and that was what Kevin wanted. 

“Carlos and I are going stargazing. Maybe we could spend some time together when we get back?” He hadn’t realised how electric Cecil’s voice was before. How deep and calming it was. Carlos had answered Cecil for him but Kevin didn’t follow the words at all, instead losing himself in Cecil’s beautiful, deep eyes. 

He thought of all the times he had been stargazing with Carlos. The beautiful lights in the sky. The beautiful lights in his eyes. The way that Carlos’ whole face lit up as he named the moving constellations and explained the stories he had observed to Kevin. They would sit on a dune and Carlos would immediately start pointing at one star or another as he talked about hydrogen and fusion and explained the universe to Kevin. He had felt himself falling in love with the man over and over again. He fell for the excitement in his voice. He fell for the way he laughed. He fell for his brain. He fell for his warmth. Emotional and physical. The way it felt to rest his head on Carlos’ chest. He fell for the love in Carlos’ voice as he said things like  _ ‘I can’t wait to show Cecil.’  _ and  _ ‘Hey, Ceec. Don’t you just love the sand? How much do you think is in the world?’.  _ He even fell in love with that sharp stabbing in his chest each time Carlos said his name.  _ Cecil.  _

-

Kevin had time to think about what happened while they were gone. He was working on the radio station and there wasn’t really much else that he could think about. Everytime he tried, it just settled back into that look on Carlos’ face. Into the feeling of Cecil so close to him. It felt perfect and safe and lovely… but wrong. Cecil wasn’t acting how Kevin had expected him to and Carlos was adamant that Kevin keep his glasses on around Cecil but wouldn’t tell him why. The more he thought about it, Cecil was treating him like a stranger. He was treating Kevin like he didn’t know who he was. In fact, Kevin wasn’t sure Cecil did know who he was.

When the two returned, his suspicions were only reinforced as Cecil referred to him as  _ ‘stranger’ _ and seemed to avoid mentioning Desert Bluffs at all. Not in the way that Cecil would normally not refer to Kevin’s home either. It was as if he was being careful about it. He certainly wasn’t being careful about referring to Kevin  _ ‘you’  _ and  _ ‘them’.  _

“Must have been scary having Kevin on the radio, right?” 

That was it. Obviously Carlos hadn’t told Cecil who he was and Kevin was fuming at this new information. He had understood the idea that seeing him or hearing his voice might upset Cecil but knowing that the man didn’t even know who he was. The man who had kissed him earlier. Kevin signed for Carlos to talk to him in private and all but dragged him into the other room before he could object.

“You didn’t tell him?” The whisper was forceful but not angry, “Who does he think I am?”

“Just a Desert Bluffs resident, I guess.” Carlos started, shrugging and looking nervously at the door, “I… uhm… he wouldn’t exactly be comfortable sharing a space with you, Kevin.”

****************************

“He expects…  _ things _ … Carlos!” 

“Well, you can just keep your glasses on, can’t you?”

“No! Smiling God, what makes you think that’s ok?”

Carlos narrowed his eyes at Kevin before correcting him, “He likes you, what he's seen so far. He's comfortable”

Kevin shuffled nervously, crossing his arms and laughing off into the distance. “You'll need to say it... If you really want that.”

Carlos stopped, opening his mouth to speak but not forming words. He could barely think of how to address that. Part of him wanted to comfort Kevin. Part of him wanted to yell at him.

“Cecil is fine. If you're not comfortable, say it! Don't push that onto Cecil. Cecil just needs to get to know you like I do but there are plenty of people who have sex without knowing the other person.”

Carlos' tone was harsher than he had meant and he somewhat understood Kevin's reaction. He was grinding his teeth, glaring, with balled fists to his side. He wouldn't hit Carlos but that didn't mean that Carlos wasn't going to keep an eye on them just in case. 

"That _isn't_ the point. He thinks I'm someone else." Kevin hissed, stepping closer to Carlos and staring into his eyes. Carlos stared back, despite how uncomfortable it made him, "You're too high to make the proper decision here and _you_ shouldn't even be sleeping with him in your condition."

"Go to sleep, Kevin." 

As soon as the words passed his lips, Carlos regretted it, watching Kevin's face warp into fear and disgust. He didn't even have his scared-smile, it was just pure fear. Then it was a calm smile. A softer voice. No anger or fear in his voice at all. 

"I'm forgetting things, Carlos. What were we doing?" 

"Are you alright?" 

"Delightful." 

Carlos rubbed his mouth, looking down to the floor to the side of them and feeling as if he was going to puke right there. 

"How are _you_. Inside you." 

"That doesn-..." Kevin put a hand up to comfort Carlos but didn't touch him, knowing it wouldn't be appreciated in this situation.

"It does matter." 

There was a long pause. The buzzing in his ears. He had to wait for it to stop for him to hear whatever was going on inside of his head. He had to wait for his chip to process what emotions it was suppressing. This wasn't a normal task and took a few minutes but Carlos waited patiently as Kevin stared blankly at his shoulder. 

"I-... I'm delightful." 

"You're not. Please. Tell me the truth." 

"Well..." Kevin took a deep breath, thinking of the nicest way to articulate himself, "I just want this over with. Don't try to make me comfortable, ok? I don't want it drawn out." 

"No, Kevin. You should go home." Carlos moved away from him, rubbing his face into his hands as he sat on his bed, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it." 

\--

*********************************

As Kevin left, Cecil's eyes followed him but he didn't say a word to the other, waiting until Carlos came out to talk. 

"He felt awkward. He needs some alone time." Carlos mumbled, gesturing after Kevin and refusing to look at Cecil.

"Right... Are you okay?" 

"Not really."


	18. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Cecil (No original version).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cecil tries to help and ends up making things worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>Chapter warning
> 
> \- SA (don't read the chapter. Nothing happens but it's mentioned)
> 
> This chapter won't affect the rest of the story really, other than Cecil hates Kevin more (still doesn't know he's talking to Kevin).

Kevin stayed in his house the next day. There were plenty of things he could do from home, which was a plus. So far he had tidied, organised, given Carlos a small dose of medicine when he had asked, made a new, smaller transformer so they could power bigger structures easier, and had time to start writing down the new memories that he was being allowed to remember. 

He hadn’t even noticed Cecil enter, wrapped up under his sheets and scribbling in his notebook. It was only when he felt the covers moving that anything seemed wrong, but he had assumed it was an animal that had got in and hadn’t really cared. Then there were the tentacles, much like his used to be, twirling his hair and stroking just the  _ nicest  _ place on his neck. He couldn't help but give a small, delighted gasp as it ran over just the right spot. By this point, the man was standing over him and it would have been extremely difficult to not notice he was standing there. Even tucked up under the covers, Kevin could see the top of his head.

“C-..” Kevin stopped himself quickly, pushing his glasses onto his face and hoping, praying, that Cecil hadn’t seen his eyes. He was biting his lip as his head emerged from the covers and instead signing,  _ “Cecil?” _

“Hey there. What was with last night, huh? I might be worried you want to keep Carlos for yourself.” 

_ “I’m not that stupid.”  _ They both laughed at this, although Cecil’s was far less sincere than Kevin’s,  _ “I like you, Cecil… I want to be friends. I want you to be around… “  _

“You want to have some time to ourselves first? I’d like to… but I want to spend most of this time with Carlos. I don’t know when you two are coming back to Night Vale, so I want to make the most of this time.” Cecil sighed, moving the covers so he could kneel over Kevin, “That said, Carlos is taking a nap at the moment and I am full of energy. This place is really invigorating, don't you think?” 

_ “Oh…”  _ Kevin started, although he wasn’t sure where to go from there, he looked around the room for a moment to try to find an excuse as to why Cecil shouldn’t currently be on top of him. There weren't really any excuses there but the look of Cecil’s face when Kevin turned back to him told Kevin that an excuse probably wouldn’t have helped. Cecil was biting his lip and fortunately his eyes had been elsewhere when Kevin turned his head. Instead he pretended to rub his cheek in order to cover his mouth and breathed, “Go to sleep.” 

“What was that?” Cecil hummed, leaning down to catch Kevin’s lips with his.

“ _ Nothing.”  _

“Well then…” He kissed Kevin again, this time stopping and drawing away, “You’re very still.” 

_ “Sorry. Do you want me to move more?”  _

“Uh… Are you not into this? We don't have to...” 

“ _ You can do whatever you want to me. I don't mind."  _

Cecil’s eyebrows furrowed, his face going between worry and fear within seconds. Kevin didn’t react, other than wondering if Cecil had figured out who he was. It didn’t seem that way once Cecil climbed off of him and went for the door. He had stopped to apologise and Kevin doubted he would have done that for Kevin. Kevin doubted Cecil would have gotten off of him. He probably would have attempted to choke him or something.

\--

“Carlos…” Cecil had been avoiding bringing up the topic but as they were cutting vegetables together for dinner, he felt it was weighing on him far too much not to ask, “... is your friend always so… motionless… in bed? I visited him when you were taking a nap because I thought... well... maybe he's just on edge because he hadn't had time to be with me alone but I kissed him and he was really... he just kind of froze up.” 

Carlos hummed, trying to put his words together before he spoke again, “Strex was hard on him. He has this chip in his brain that can control his behaviour, sometimes he triggers it to try and get away from situations he doesn’t want to be in.” 

Cecil watched Carlos as he put the potatoes in a pan and turned them on to boil, “That’s… not a no?” 

“Not always. If he’s like that, or if he says his trigger phrase, I stop. Don’t worry.” 

Cecil nodded, “So, Strex-...” 

“Yes.” Carlos waved his hand, not really wanting Cecil to finish his statement. 

“I’m going to kill Kevin if I ever see him again.” He growled, going back to cutting carrots and missing the fact that Carlos froze at this information, "How can he think that's OK to do to people? I knew he was horrifying but that's... that's..."

“Ceec… what if Kevin was the same? I mean… my friend did a lot of bad things too but-...” 

“It explains but it doesn’t excuse, and I’m guessing your friend didn’t do  _ that.  _ He said to me _'you can do whatever you want to me'._ Like he expects that from people! ” 

“Kevin didn’t do  _ that _ . Not to my friend.” Carlos tried, watching Cecil scoff, “You believe my friend is looking to get better, right? That he can’t be excused for his actions but he’s tried his best not to repeat mistakes.” 

“Yeah, of course, but  _ Kevin?  _ I doubt Kevin is. Even if he is somewhere trying to redeem himself, he can't just take something like that back! Plus, wherever he is, he’s probably just trying to rebuild Strex or something.” 

Carlos went quiet, not wanting to argue with Cecil in case he ended up telling him the truth. Any of the truth. About Kevin. About  _ StrexCalm _ . About what he had done to Helena. Kevin had calmed down a lot and Carlos truly believed he was trying to recover. He didn’t want Cecil to suddenly change his mind about Carlos being here or to attack Kevin. He didn’t want Cecil to be angry at him, either. He couldn’t imagine how Cecil might react to knowing that he’d been talking to Kevin this whole time. Cecil kept going for several minutes before he noticed Carlos looking awkwardly away from everything. 

"Hey, hey, I'm sorry, Panda." Cecil cooed, offering Carlos a hug, which Carlos stepped into and let Cecil rest his head on his own, "It must be pretty hard for you, too. You're his only support, right?" 

"Yeah..."

\---

"Kevin." Carlos' voice rang through the small house, causing Kevin to pull the duvet tighter around himself, "Kevin, what happened with Cecil earlier?" 

"Oh, that delightful little visit? I have no idea, he just ran away so quickly! I thought-..." 

"No... I mean, why were you scared by Cecil?" 

"Oh. Well... I wasn't. I didn't want him to know who I was, so I would have needed to keep quiet, right?" Kevin sat up, keeping the covers around himself and looking up to Carlos with a wide smile, "Maybe if you told him who I was, I wouldn't _need_ to take away my entire autonomy just to interact with him." 

Carlos scowled, not liking the tone Kevin was taking with him at all. He understood the other's frustration but he couldn't risk telling Cecil that he was currently sharing space with Kevin. He couldn't risk any of the potential consequences for either party. 

"Well, now Cecil thinks that you, _Kevin,_ are the person who hurt you, _random Desert Bluffs citizen._ If anything, you made things worse. He wants to kill you. Like, not 'kill your double' kill you, actually kill you." 

"Delightful, sounds like my life." Kevin hummed, rocking onto his feet and starting to sort them a coffee each, "If Cecil wants to kill me when he knows it's me, then that's fine. I can't stop him wanting to kill me. Lots of people want to kill me, Carlos. I am standing by what I said, though." 

"I will tell him... just not right now, OK?" 

"Then I am not going to..." 

Carlos turned as the door opened, Kevin smiling as wide as possible at Cecil and grabbing another cup.


	19. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Forget (Forget Alternative).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cecil has left and Carlos is feeling down about it.

Kevin tapped his knees as he waited for Carlos to get back. He’d avoided Cecil for the rest of his stay. Carlos had refused to tell Cecil who Kevin was and that was Carlos’ choice but Kevin didn’t want to be part of that, no matter how much he really wanted to be part of their relationship. It wasn’t fair on either of them. It was difficult avoiding the two as Carlos made no effort to tell Kevin their plans before they happened. The few times he was caught by the two, he’d simply left. It’s not like he was allowed to talk to Cecil, so he couldn’t excuse himself. It would be hell on Earth if Carlos was planning on inviting Cecil to live here without telling him about Kevin. Having to pretend to be ‘just some guy’ for the rest of his life. Having to be mute. Having to wear stupid shades. Would Cecil eventually snap and tell Carlos he knew? Did Cecil even know?

Still, he had some time before Cecil would be back so he could at least talk to Carlos about it. If nothing else, he could probably just walk away. He could find another place to call home. Home was just a name you gave to the place you were staying, after all. Home didn’t exist, not really. Not in any meaningful way. Kevin could be home anywhere, even without Carlos. 

“It’s ok, he’ll tell him.” Vanessa reassured, although it did little to comfort him. Vanessa Too had agreed. 

Arms wrapped around Kevin. Strong arms. Comforting arms. He lifted his hand to stroke Carlos’ arm but it was quickly pushed away. 

“He’s gone.”

“Mhm… but that’s fine because he’ll come back. Carlos, you might be sad now but you’ll be happy again. So much happier! Cecil will be here and we’ll all live happily together!” 

“Yeah…” Carlos sighed, his lips mapping Kevin’s neck, “You’ll be back soon, right Ceec?”

Kevin hummed, trying to make it as deep as possible. He didn’t try to physically comfort Carlos, just letting him do what he wanted instead. He had moved to massaging Kevin’s shoulders in the most perfect way. It felt like heaven for the few minutes he was allowed to enjoy it. The perfect pressure and closeness. He wasn’t sure his heart could take it much longer. 

“Maybe I wish… you were doing the same thing as I am, bunny.” 

“What do you mean?” 

Carlos paused, making an odd unhappy sound against Kevin’s neck. Kevin wasn’t sure if this was because he had spoken or just because Carlos hadn’t wanted to be asked that question in particular. He didn’t see how it would hinder the scientist anymore than it would help, but understood that maybe Carlos didn’t actually want to talk about it, maybe he just wanted to vaguely vent to Kevin in a way he hadn’t been able to actually talk to Cecil. It must have been hard enough trying to have a conversation about how Kevin didn’t want to include Cecil, without mentioning that it was Kevin or that Kevin  _ did  _ want to include Cecil, without having to talk about the fact that Carlos was aware Cecil had picked a different and currently less destructive vice to drown his emotions in. 

“Earl is there. Earl is single. Why doesn’t Cecil spend time with him? What if he is and just isn’t telling me? What if he’s moving on?” 

“Carlos, I think you need to talk to Cecil. If this is making you uncom-...”

“It’s not. That’s the problem.” 

Kevin gave a disapproving hum, shaking his head at the other’s response. He wouldn’t argue more than that, not right now. It wasn’t the time, but Kevin knew that having Cecil here had made it even harder for him. Being on  _ StrexCalm  _ was making it even harder for him. He hadn’t managed to kick the habit before Cecil had left and that was making him feel guilty and weak. Kevin could tell. 

“What if I’m moving on, Kevin?” Carlos sighed, moving away to sit next to Kevin, “I still love him and I loved seeing him but… It wasn’t the same as when we first met.”

“You can’t expect it to be. You didn’t know Cecil when you first met.”

“I guess so.” 

Kevin smiled wide and Carlos gave him a sympathetic nod, trying to think of a subject to change the conversation. 

“How do you feel about me?” Kevin asked, his tone cautious and low, “When you look at me.”

“I-...” He had to think about the answer, watching Kevin’s eyes averting his own, “I look at you and I wince. I feel sorry about your face. Then I see a beautiful man under all those scars....”

“Under all those scars.” Kevin whispered to himself, eyes moving down.

“Unfortunately Kevin, that’s all you can hope for. People see those things first and it hurts but we have to deal with that.” He put a hand on Kevin’s shoulder to comfort him, “... but then I see someone who’s been hurt who’s trying to grow back. Someone who, scientifically speaking, is kind and gentle but who’s needed to do a lot of horrible things to protect themself.”

Kevin nodded, taking a deep breath to try and stop himself from thinking about the implications of Carlos’ word. To stop him thinking about what had happened. About Strex. About before Strex. About the future. Carlos leaving. Carlos cutting him off. That bright light.  _ Oh Smiling God. _ That light. 

“Kevin?”

“What’s up, Carlos?” He beamed, sitting up straight and tilting his head.

“Are you alright?” 

“Right as rain… although I suppose that’s not at all right in the desert! Right as heat. Heat and light and light and light… how is there so much light here. Wow-...” 

“Well, that’s because-...” Carlos started in excitement.

“Big questions! Who knows? Scientists, probably!” 

“Kevin? I am a scientist?”

“Delightful.”


	20. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Triggers and Anchors (Act 3 - Triggers and Anchors alternative).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos talks to Kevin about his triggers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so this is originally in act 2 (in this version) but I have a chapter in YG that is 'triggers and anchors' in act 3 but it addresses things that this one does but in a different way, so although like 'forgive' and 'forget' they are very different chapters it is technically the 'alternative version'.

“Kevin, I think we need to find out more about your triggers.” 

Carlos had just barged into his house but Kevin had become quite used to that and it had only gotten worse since Carlos started taking StrexCalm. He was waving his arms erratically as he explained why but Kevin took in very little of what he was actually saying, instead simply smiling at him and letting him continue. 

“What triggers you?” The last question seemed far more definite than the others that had come out, Carlos now staring at Kevin. He was completely still, other than scratching at his arm a few times. 

“I don’t know. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I get triggered and I do whatever I need to and then I don’t feel too bad about it after. Well… at least, it’s easier to hide any silly negative emotions and stay nice and happy.” 

Carlos’ arms dropped, grinding his teeth at the reaction. 

“What? No! You hurt yourself! You hurt other people!” Carlos snapped, moving closer and slamming his hands on the counter. He’d expected Kevin to jump but Kevin simply stood there and tilted his head, “Right now! How are we meant to have a conversation if you’re like this.” 

“I think we reduced your dose a bit too quickly… you are very irritable. Have I given you a dose today?” 

“No, you haven’t!” 

Despite the scorn in his voice, Carlos worked on rolling up his sleeve and sitting at the table while Kevin prepared it for him. Neither of them spoke until he’d finished and had put the syringe back in the cupboard. Carlos sighed at the feeling and smiled gently. 

“Sorry.” 

“It’s no problem, Carlos. I just want you to be happy as can be!” Kevin told him, taking a seat next to him, “Now, what is it you wanted to talk about?” 

“I want to figure out your triggers and ways that we can pull you back from them. Things that anchor you in reality.” He explained carefully, trying his best not to look in Kevin’s direction at all, “If we can figure out a way to keep you in reality, then-...”

“I am in reality. I’m fully aware of what’s going on when someone tells me to go to sleep.” Kevin explained, waving his hand in the air. He didn't care so much about saying the actual words, already being in that state due to Carlos' volume and gesturing when he had come in, “It’s more like I’m sat in the back of my head and someone else is moving my arms and legs. I’m there and I have control but I feel compelled to do what I’m asked. I think it’s better to focus on things I do when I’m not ‘asleep’.” 

“Oh…well… what do you do when you’re not like that?” 

“Lots of things. Most of the people I killed were when I was fully lucid. Most of the time when I hurt someone or intimidated someone, I wasn’t being ‘controlled’ by my chip.” 

“So… why have the chip?” 

“Oh, Carlos.” Kevin laughed, shaking his head, “You know exactly the point of having my chip. Plus, all Strex employees have them. There are different trigger phrases but everyone had them.” 

“That’s awful… so everyone gets… like this?” Carlos vaguely gestured towards Kevin, looking up now and seeing Kevin shaking his head, “It’s not always like this?” 

“Oh, it’s generally like this but everyone’s chip’s personality is different. Some people it’s specifically to ‘neutralise’, like me, some people it’s to make them violent, like my nurse Alex, and other people it’s to make them act more robotic, like Daniel’s chip.” 

“Daniel… the content creator robot?” 

“No, no, the human. Well, he’s a bio-bot these days, I guess.” 

“Right… wait, but didn’t you say they gave it to you when they put a collar on you?” 

Kevin thought for a few moments. He had mentioned that to Carlos a few times but thinking about it, it seemed as if the chip had been there longer. Had he only noticed it then? Had he had it the whole time? Why would they only use it when he knew about it? Why wouldn’t they fit him with it immediately like everyone else? Because he was resilient? Because he very quickly became the prophet of the Smiling God? Maybe it wasn’t as quickly as he remembered but then why wait? 

“I… don’t know. That’s why I noticed it. That’s when it malfunctioned… almost straight away after I knew it was there.” He smiled down at his fingers, that were wringing around each other on the table, “I’m getting memories come back from before I  _ knew  _ I had the chip but I just thought that it hid those too… that it was there to block out all of the things that hadn’t worked but things had worked up to that point. Those sessions, that brutally ethical-...” 

“... no…” 

“... that… horrible training routine.”

“Good enough for now.” 

“Maybe I did have it longer than I thought. Maybe I just didn’t notice it.” 

They sat in silence for a few minutes after that. Kevin was thinking of all the things he had learnt since his phone call with Diego. The memories that had come back. The vivid details. Far more vibrant than anything he could remember naturally. Far more graphic. Far more disturbing. Even the ones that sparked that disgusting lustful feeling inside him, he remembered how sick and terrified he had felt at the time. It was like reliving it all over again. It was like being sent back there. Shocked. Cut at. Manipulated. Yet still he felt like he needed it. Like he needed Strex and their methods. Like that was where he belonged and the only place he had ever belonged.

Carlos thought about everything that had happened since he had met Kevin, trying to come up with a conclusion about how he could anchor the other when he slipped away. He wanted so badly to see a pattern where he couldn’t. The pattern of his triggers, both obvious ones and ones that weren’t so obvious, was clear but bringing him back from the point that those triggers sent him to… It seemed almost impossible. He was only snapped away from his thoughts when Kevin spoke again. His voice was weak, despite still smiling as Kevin always did. 

“Can I come over tonight?” 

“Of course you can. Any time.” Carlos kept his voice quiet and level, offering a hand on Kevin’s and waiting for the other to nod before taking it.

“I don’t want to do anything. I just… I want to watch some movies with you.” 

“You don’t like watching movies.” 

“I know… but I used to.” Kevin started, looking up to Carlos again, “I don’t want to do anything, just watch movies. I-... If I try to do anything, I want you to stop me.” 

Carlos nodded, leaning over and kissing Kevin softly on the cheek, just above his scar. 

“Is there anything I can do to make it easier?” He asked, but Kevin shook his head. Kevin knew that Carlos wouldn’t pick a horror movie or a bloodbath, so he was sure that they would have a peaceful evening.

\---

“Hey Carlos. I got some of the corn from the garden. I know it’s not the same as popcorn but I thought it might be nice.” 

Carlos smiled, taking the bag from him and going to wash it.

“I put a list of movies up on my laptop. Just pick one you like and we can watch it.” He told Kevin, nodding towards the living room. 

Once they were both settled, Carlos put the movie on and let Kevin lay on his chest. It was perfect for the first fifteen minutes, each of them settled and happy in the comfort of the other. The movie was some odd rom-com that neither of them were really following all that well but it was funny enough to make them both laugh a few times. Carlos only noticed the change when one of the characters said a joke that he knew Kevin would have loved but got no reaction from the other man. At first he wondered if Kevin had fallen asleep but when he moved to look, Kevin beamed up at him. His eyes were twitching, like he was struggling to focus on Carlos’ face and as Kevin raised a hand to put on Carlos’ chest, he took it with his own. 

“Do we need to stop?” 

“What do you mean?” 

Carlos frowned, pausing the movie and pulling Kevin close to him, stroking his hair gently to try and soothe him. He wasn’t sure how well this gesture worked, as Kevin didn’t seem to react at all to it at first. Eventually, though, he felt small dots of wetness through his shirt. A few laughs and then Kevin sat up, waving him away. 

“Ho… that felt… odd. We should keep watching. I love the jokes.” 

“Are you sure?” 

  
Kevin nodded, snuggling back into Carlos’ chest and humming softly against the warm feeling, whispering a  _ ‘thank you’ _ . 


	21. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 alt) - Little Comforts (No alternative)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin talks to the community.

“So, Helena is actually gone?” Kevin asked, getting a scared nod from the man he was talking to. He was holding his power drill very tight. Very, very tight. It possibly didn’t help that the roller coaster was going around super fast today and Kevin was having to yell over the screams coming from it. He didn’t mind the screams, not at all, but he understood that these might be unnerving to others, “Did you want to talk somewhere more quiet?” 

The man just stared at him for a few moments before shaking his head and starting to walk away. Kevin kept pace with him, which was difficult when the man kept getting faster and faster as they walked. He was pretty fit, considering his awful physical condition, so it wasn’t long before the man couldn’t go any faster and instead turned to Kevin. 

“Stop following me, man. It’s creepy.” 

“We were having a conversation. I can talk about more happy subjects if you like! Hm… Oh… what about those weird things on the horizon. They look almost like mirrors, right? What are those?” 

“The… the mirage? That looks like water on the ground? Have you never seen a mirage before, man?” 

“No… Is it a science thing? I’m very into science these days.” 

“Yeah…” The man looked out to the horizon and then back at Kevin, scratching the back of his neck, “... I mean, uh, you sound a lot nicer than Helena told us. I ain’t got family in Night Vale, so I dunno… you wanna, like, chill or something? I got nettle tea.” 

Kevin beamed at the offer, nodding his head enthusiastically and following the man to his house where they talked about what he wanted out of the town (more food and amenities) and what role he’d like to play in the town (handiman). 

\----

“Hey ther-...” 

This wasn’t the first time Kevin had been slapped this week and no doubt it wouldn’t be the last. The woman had spun around and put the whole force of this motion into her swing which made it far harder than he had expected. 

“Don’t think you’re going to sweet talk me, bucko!” She snapped, watching Kevin rub his cheek, “I know what you do! You and Straps!” 

“Strex?” 

“Whatever! You ain’t taking this town like you did Desert Bliffs!” 

“Bluffs? I come from-...” 

“And another thing! All you young folk think we’re about to start using computers and technology just because it’s  _ cool  _ and  _ hip,  _ well we-...” 

“Ma’am, please, I just wanted to offer you some nettle tea.” As her eyes narrowed at him, Kevin smiled wide, “I got some from your neighbour and I thought we could have a chat!” 

“Fine… but don’t think you’ll get me using one of those illegal computers!” 

\----

“Excuse me!” Kevin waved his arms at a person who was on the rollercoaster. They waved back but seemed to be going far too fast for Kevin to understand what they were desperately trying to sign.  _ ‘Please!’ … ‘Scared!’ … ‘No!’  _

Instead he gave up and went to find one of the younger members of the community. There was one boy who was playing with the sand outside his house but his mother quickly pulled him inside when Kevin approached. There was a teenage girl but she didn’t offer very much in conversation past telling him to ‘get lost, fascist prick’. Then there was this person who was sitting at the edge of town.

They didn’t move when Kevin sat next to them, nor did they talk. At first, Kevin was going to say something but then he followed their gaze out into the desert and decided just to sit with them while they did whatever it was they were doing. 

“When are we going home?” The person eventually asked, not looking at Kevin. 

“Well… Ho… soon, I would guess. You could go anytime, I can show you the way.” 

The words drew their attention, looking over to Kevin. At first, nothing. Then a sigh. Then they stood up. 

“Nah, It will take you days and you can’t leave here.” 

“Ho… I’m glad someone gets that!” Kevin laughed, trying to brighten the mood but failing, “Well… I’m sure that Carlos and the other residence could use a breather. I’m not the most pleasant person to be around because… well… memories and scars and unrelenting, burning joy… It’s not for everyone, but that’s just who I am! I’d happily show you where you need to go, I’m surprised you didn’t go with Cecil, in fact.” 

“I wasn’t feeling good about the journey then, but I kinda just want to see my mom again.” 

Kevin nodded, although couldn’t really relate to the feeling. He beckoned for the person to follow and started their journey back to Night Vale, talking about their dreams and aspirations on the way.

\---

“Where have you been?” Carlos almost cried as he wrapped his arms around Kevin, holding him close. Kevin put his arms around Carlos, rubbing soft circles into his back, “I’ve been so worried about you! I thought you left!” 

“I was just taking this kid back to Night Vale. They didn’t know the way and I wanted them to be happy as can be!” 

“Of course you did.” Carlos laughed into his shoulder, putting a small kiss on his jaw. It lit Kevin’s face with the most beautiful of heat, “Tell me next time you do something like that!” 

“I will.” Kevin hummed softly, “Oh… how did you get on with doing the StrexCalm on your own?” 

“Uh… I didn’t. Dean took care of me. I withdrew pretty bad for about a day but that was it.... Wait, how did you?” 

Kevin stared at him, his smile twitching at the side as he processed the words.

“I-... You knew?” 

“Of course I knew, Kevin. I’m a scientist!” 

“Oh… I just took some. I had it in my pocket ready for when you asked for it. I had a busy day, after all. I just… took some when I needed it, made sure to teach the kid ‘Don’t do drugs!’” 

“While taking drugs?”

“Yes!” 

Carlos stared and then smiled and then burst out laughing, shaking his head and imagining exactly how that conversation went down. 


	22. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Lighthouses (no alternate)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos gets a call from Cecil.

Kevin had been focusing the whole day on this one problem. He had done his first broadcast here but no one had heard it at all! He had asked several people what they thought but no one knew what he was talking about. He’d narrowed it down to the broadcaster but couldn’t find a problem. He tried playing with the wires, flicking several switches, and even banging it on the table but nothing was working. He wasn’t sure how much scientists knew about things like radios but Kevin had watched Carlos build very impressive pieces of equipment from random things they had found in the desert and he was sure if any one could fix this Carlos could! 

Unfortunately, he was now looking down at the man who was fiddling anxiously with his phone. Kevin hadn’t drawn his attention to the fact he’d entered, not wanting to make him jump or interrupt him but it didn’t seem like Carlos was going to move anytime soon. Really, Kevin was almost sure about what had happened. Carlos had asked Cecil to come to the Desert Otherworld. He had told Cecil that it was Kevin he had been speaking to. These two things Kevin knew. He was there when Carlos had done them. Either Cecil still hadn’t gotten back to Carlos, although Kevin doubted that option, or Cecil had said no. 

Finally, Kevin cleared his throat. Carlos turned his head but then looked back down to his phone as he beckoned the other man over. 

“Cecil called.” Carlos started, opening his mouth to continue but the words not coming. 

“Oh… what did he say?” Kevin prompted, trying his best to be helpful. He could tell Carlos was sad and desperately wanted to distract him but Carlos had told him several times not to do that. 

“Well…” A small popping noise came from the scientist’s lips as he grounded himself, “... Cecil is coming. Soon, in terms of Night Vale.” 

“That’s wonderful, Carlos!”

“No… not completely.” 

“What do you mean?” 

Carlos looked up to Kevin and then stood, getting a bottle of wine the he had brought in earlier and pouring each of them a glass but not taking Kevin’s over to him. 

“Cecil… Cecil is fine with what we’re doing. Even the… romantic side of things. He understands…” 

“Well… that’s good… right?”

“... but not when he gets here. Up until then, he’s fine with it, but when he gets here he wants us to just be friends. I… well, I asked him if he would consider getting to know you. If we could… make it a trio. He… was not happy with that idea at all.” 

“Oh…” Kevin said, feeling tears swelling in his eyes. He tried to pull them back, telling himself that this was happy news. Cecil and Carlos would be happy. He wanted them to be happy. He would have two great friends. He would still be part of their lives. He didn’t need someone to  _ love  _ him. He didn’t need soft hugs and the calming smell of lavender. He didn’t need to be Carlos’ to feel at home. He just needed to know that Carlos was happy.

“Kevin. Cecil is my boyfriend.” Kevin hadn’t noticed him move until the glass of wine was under his nose, the aroma overwhelming him in a way that made his head start spinning, “I understand if you want to end this now but I… I would rather give you everything I can offer before Cecil gets here. I love you. I mean that. I love  _ both  _ of you. Cecil has to come first, though.” 

“Oh!” Kevin beamed up at him, shaking his head to try to stop the room from spinning, “Carlos! That’s fantastic news! You two are going to be so happy here! We can do whatever will make you happi-...” 

“No!” 

He hadn’t snapped, as such. His voice raised slightly but in a similar way as a teacher who was trying to stop a student stabbing their hand with a pencil. Kevin simply quieted and kept his eyes on the other. His hands took the glass, ripples bouncing off of the sides and each other as he allowed his eyes to move back to the liquid. They didn’t settle like he expected them to. He didn’t know why. 

“Kevin, stop thinking about my happiness. Think about your own.” 

“I am happy. Happy as happy can be.” 

“Really? Not even a small bit of sadness that this won’t be forever.” Carlos’ hand was so comforting on his leg. A calloused thumb rubbed soft circles over his scarred knee, pulling Kevin’s smile away from the uncomfortably wide one and back to his soft, genuine, relaxed expression.  Carlos noticed the change but didn’t acknowledge it right now. 

“I just want your happiness, Carlos. That makes me happy.” 

“I-...” Carlos went to talk immediately but the words sank into him as he did and left him speechless once again. 

“I just want you to be the happiest you can be.” Kevin hummed, leaning forward to kiss Carlos’ forehead, “I love you too.”


	23. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Struggle (No alternative)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos struggles to choose between Kevin and Cecil.

Kevin had made him eggs this morning. Kevin had fixed his comfort blanket. Kevin had set up new parts of the town to give Night Vale citizens a place to check time and call their loved ones. Kevin had done a lot and Carlos was shocked at the thoughts that kept trying to worm their way into his head. 

Kevin was scientifically literate. Kevin said he was into science and he showed it. Kevin knew how to do equations. Kevin knew how to build. Kevin knew how to comfort him. Kevin wanted him to be happy. He loved Kevin.

Cecil was not scientifically literate. Cecil said he was into science but couldn’t hold a scientific conversation. Cecil thought that numbers were a government conspiracy and only for the accounting department (and Carlos). Cecil made a mess of making furniture. Cecil knew how to comfort him. Cecil didn’t want to know Kevin. He loved Cecil. 

Kevin was unpredictable, in terms of emotional stability. Kevin had odd ideas about what happiness was. Kevin had odd ideas about the world in general. Kevin worshipped a God that wanted to devour the world. He loved Kevin.

Cecil was predictable, in terms of emotional stability. Cecil knew when to be happy and when to be sad. Cecil understood Night Vale. Cecil worshipped a seemingly benign religion. He loved Cecil. 

Cecil was his boyfriend. 

Spending time with Kevin only made these thoughts worse. Kevin was working on himself, working on Carlos’ happiness as well as his own, genuine happiness. He would suggest doing things that they would both love and wouldn’t hold it against Carlos when he suggested things that Cecil would have loved to do. Kevin tried to do things Cecil would love. He tried to get into similar hobbies as Cecil. He was happy learning new skills and trying new things. Cecil, on the other hand, would often turn his nose up at new activities and be scared to try things. 

“Cecil is my boyfriend.” Carlos said out loud, Kevin not reacting to the statement. It wasn’t the first time Carlos had said it out loud and it wasn’t the last. Kevin knew that and so did Carlos. Carlos only worried that each time he said it, it would grind away some of Kevin’s confidence. Still, Kevin didn’t seem to hold it against him. He understood that this was a difficult time for Carlos and Carlos understood it was a difficult time for Kevin. 

“We can stop, if you need to.” Kevin replied eventually, leaning forward to pause the movie. Kevin had gotten a lot better with movies. 

“No… sorry. I was just thinking again.”

“That’s something I love about you, Carlos. You think. Like, all the time.” 

“I know, Kevin.” Carlos sighed, stroking his check softly. Their eyes didn’t meet but Kevin knew it was uncomfortable for Carlos to meet his eyes, “I just wish that it could be the way we wanted. All three of us… but I can’t leave Cecil. I can’t betray his trust, either. I feel like… he might feel that I already have by not telling him that it was you that I’ve been with this entire time.” 

“Well… I’m sure he doesn’t hold it against you! I know I wouldn’t if I was in that situation!” 

“You can’t say that because you’re  _ not  _ in that situation. Let me ask you something, if there was no Cecil in this situation, would you want to share me with your worst enemy?” 

“Cecil and I are friends, Carlos!” 

Carlos frowned, adding another note to the list;  _ Kevin is unclear on relationships. Cecil knows who likes him and who doesn’t.  _

“Just, imagine, alright.” 

“Well…” Kevin took a minute to imagine the situation, putting a finger on his chin as he did, “... I suppose I wouldn’t really feel like you were safe, if you were with Lauren. I would be scared she’d hurt you or that she was forcing you to…  _ Oh… _ ” 

_ Kevin can empathise. Cecil rarely thinks of others points of view. _

“I don’t think I’d give Lauren a chance to prove she’s changed either. Even if Lauren were to start dating… let’s say… Daisy, my assigned partner. I would think the worst. Cecil… thinks that about me?” 

“Unfortunately.”

“Do… you think that about me?” 

“Not at all, Kevin. I trust you… I mean, I hurt you. You’ve done nothing to hurt me since you got here, but you are also the reason why I am here.” Carlos explained, putting a hand on Kevin’s shoulder. 

“So… what’s the problem? You’ll be with Cecil soon, so why keep thinking about it? It’s making you unhappy and that’s not happy!” 

“Because I love Cecil and this is hard.”

“But why?”

“Because I love you, Kevin.” 


	24. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Climb (No Alternative)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin takes Carlos on a climb up the mountain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so, There are two more chapters of Act 2 Alt and Citrus and Sunshine has a deleted chapter that would be posted before 'Taking Off', so I'm going to postpone 'Sick day' until after I've posted 'Taking off' Alt but I will post the two on the same day as that way it's still being posted 'on schedule' just a day later. That way Act 2 Alt isn't interrupted.

“Look, Kevin!” 

It was music to his ears, hearing Carlos getting so excited about a random bird that had perched a short ways away from them. Carlos was taking field notes the whole way up the mountain and had been talking to Kevin about all the amazing features. Kevin wasn’t sure Carlos had actually climbed this high before. He would have assumed that the scientist would have done that immediately upon getting here but understood that he had needed to do other things rather than simply explore the landscape. After all, Kevin had just lost his job and had a lot of freedom that Carlos didn’t. He wished they had more time to explore all of the world, to take it all in. He wished that Carlos would stay with him after Cecil got there but knew it just couldn't happen. Maybe one day. Maybe one day Cecil would accept him. Maybe one day Cecil could even love him. Kevin could only dream. 

“I’m starting to think you recommended this because you thought I’d like it.” Carlos laughed, although seemed somewhat serious about the concern. 

“Oh, no, I wanted to show you something. I think you’ll find it very scientifically interesting!”

“That still sounds like you’re thinking about me and not yourself.”

“Trust me, Carlos.” 

Kevin knew Carlos did trust him and it made him feel special. They were almost at the top of the mountain and the whole time Carlos had trusted Kevin to make sure they were safe and Kevin had trusted Carlos to point out all of the fascinating features of the landscape and things they could see from so high up. They had trusted the people to work and look after the town while they were gone and the people had trusted them to get additional readings from on top of the mountain. It was somewhere where Kevin finally felt safe. It was somewhere where Kevin finally felt at home and he couldn’t ask for a better home, outside of Desert Bluffs. 

“Oh, Carlos, Carlos…” Kevin waved over to him, pointing down at the sand below the mountain. 

It was the opposite side from their town, sand clouds raising up like fine sugar dropped into hot water. From up here it was hard to see what was going on but Kevin smiled wide as he watched, knowing that below the clouds of smokey, yellow sand, the Smiling God was rising up to consume. Carlos didn’t seem nearly as happy, his face going pale, jaw dropping, and eyes widening. It took Kevin a moment to realise this reaction wasn't from awe or interest, but from fear and immediately regretted his decision to bring Carlos. Still, he could simply distract the scientist. Surely It wasn't something for _that_ much concern and Carlos would understand It was something to be watching, followed, and studied. 

“It’s cool, right, Carlos? It devours! Endlessly!” 

“I-It… what?” Carlos stammered, squinting at the sand cloud and then rubbing his eyes to check he wasn’t seeing things. It was moving. He couldn’t tell what It was but it was something huge and destructive, “That thing… no, no, Kevin, that’s not good!” 

“Well, that’s a bit offensive.” 

“Kevin, we need to go… we can’t stay here! That thing is big enough to do massive damage to the town. We need to warn people!” His voice was growing more and more panicked as he grabbed Kevin’s arms, trying to convince him of the real danger they were in.

“Oh, It’s not due to come this way for decades, Carlos. We can expand before then. We just need to remember to save money and housing for people to move into when the time comes.” 

“Then we would be spending all of our time running away from… whatever that thing is.” 

Kevin frowned and shrugged, “Let’s go home and have a drink. I think you need one.” 

\---

Carlos was still shaking as he sipped his wine, watching Kevin pace back and forth in front of a chalkboard.

“Look, if we put our next town here, then we have decades in between each devouring.” 

“Please stop calling it that.” 

“What would you call it? The town being eaten? It doesn’t have a ring to it, does it, Carlos?” 

“I… guess not.” Carlos sighed, looking over Kevin’s plans. They were pretty sound, although that didn’t calm him. What if that thing got faster? What if It turned? What if It went through the dog park and into Night Vale? What if It found another way into Night Vale? All of these questions were far more pressing to him than this town. He cared so much about Night Vale and he had thought he cared so much about this town too but although he tried to stay focused, all he could think of was the potential impact on Night Vale, “Kevin… I think I need a distraction.” 

“What type of distraction? We’ve got movies, we got a couple of new books, we could go watch the stars…” 

“Just hold me for a bit, okay?” 

Kevin nodded, putting the chalk down and sitting next to Carlos so that he could curl into Kevin’s chest. Kevin didn’t say anything, placing a small kiss on Carlos’ head and playing with his hair. Kevin knew how Carlos liked his hair played with, the way that Cecil did. 

\---

“I have to finish my research here, Kevin.” 

It had been several days. Carlos had been distant but Kevin didn’t give up on him, trying his best to keep him happy even when not feeling it himself. He had felt lonely, even with Carlos around. Carlos was ignoring him. That hurt more than anything. Kevin would still cook for him, hold him when he needed it, love him with all of his heart. Carlos wasn't giving him the same consideration and Kevin just could think of why. He had run several things through with Carlos but hadn't had much of a response from the scientist. He seemed in a daze most of the time or was concentrating on his research at others. Even spending the night together had become distant and the most intimate moments they shared seemed more like Carlos trying to hide something from him. Kevin had taken to uncomfortably refusing and offering other distraction in it's place but Carlos generally went back to his research and equations when that happened. He didn't even seem to care when Kevin was helping him with notes on the chalkboard, something Carlos often found very intimate. 

“Hey, that sounds great but… Maybe I can help? You seem stressed and I don’t like it when you’re stressed. It makes me… not happy.” 

“It’s fine, I’m almost done and then I’ll just need my computer to run the data.” Carlos explained, sighing and then turning back to Kevin, “You’re right, there’s nothing more I can do tonight. I’m almost done, though. This time tomorrow I’ll be finished. I’ll have results. Cecil will be coming here and we’ll be able to plan what to do next.” 

“Right... delightful.” 

“Cecil is my boyfriend.” 

“Do… you need to sit down, Carlos?” Kevin asked, his voice full of both concern and jealousy. It was getting worse the closer it came to Cecil’s arrival. Kevin knew he would have to give up Carlos. Kevin knew he would have to look after himself. At least they could broadcast together, even if he was now sure that Cecil would be more popular in town than his own radio show. Cecil always got picked first. Cecil was perfect. Kevin had to tell himself off every time those thoughts entered his head. 

“No... No… Uhm… What did you want to do? It’s our last chance to be together, like this, I should be trying to make this day special for you.” 

“For us.” Kevin corrected, shaking his head, “How about we spend the day in the spa? You really seem like you need a break. Then I’ll cook dinner and see where the evening goes?” 

Carlos agreed, holding his hand out to let Kevin hold it as they went.


	25. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - One Last Day (No original version).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos and Kevin spend a day at the spa, then Kevin cooks Carlos dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter this time, it's just leading into Taking Off. 
> 
> Ok, so I said there would be overlap on Wednesday/Thursday but instead I wrote a chapter of C&S in between the two, so no overlap now.

"Does no one work here yet?" Carlos asked, looking around the empty building and blowing some dust from one of the massage tables.

"I guess not. Well, that's ok! I can still give you a massage. I'm sure in no time, we can get this place back up and running but for today we're concentrating on us!" 

Carlos nodded in agreement, grabbing one of the cloths and wiping down the table ready to lay on while Kevin sorted out getting the coals ready in the sauna room. This had seemed like a great, productive idea at the time but was quickly making Kevin feel uncomfortable. Still, nothing he hadn't worked through before and he kept going, lighting the coals and filling the bucket with water ready for when they were. He didn't really know make else that they could do at the spa, not having a pool yet and not really understanding what was in all of the strangely shaped bottles that sat on the shelves around the rooms. He had found some lavender oil to put in the water but the rest just seemed to be different lotions that Kevin was unsure what to do with. 

"I'm ready when you are, Kevin." Carlos called through, making Kevin drop a few bottles on the floor and rush into him. 

Every part of Carlos was perfect. His hair, which Kevin made sure to wash gently, massaging some oil into his scalp. He looked so peaceful and calm, Kevin couldn't help but wish this moment would last forever. Being able to relax him, being close and gentle, being alone together. He tried to push out the thoughts that this was all going to end soon but they kept creeping into his head. He needed to focus on Carlos right now. Every part of him felt bad about feeling bad about the fact that soon enough Carlos would be happy again. Happy without him. He should be happy, right? He was always happy... why wasn't he happy? 

"Uh... Kevin? You're squeezing a bit hard." Carlos winced, and then sighed with relief as Kevin released his shoulders.

"I'm so sorry. I guess my mind was just somewhere else."

"Hey, it's fine. It's not... well, It's not upsetting you being _here,_ is it?"

"Being..." Kevin thought about the words, "Oh... oh, right... no, no that's fine. This is a wonderful spa, we did a great job on it! I don't understand the bottles or anything but-..."

"Ok, Kevin. That's fine." It obviously wasn't, Carlos looked sad again but before he could start talking again, Kevin interrupted him, 

"Make we just need to relax in the sauna. You could tell me all about _science_. What do you say?" 

Carlos agreed, telling Kevin about diffusion and how the sauna worked as they sat together. Kevin got most of it, except when Carlos started calling the sauna 'hot'. He was confused at how Carlos considered the relatively cold room hot but at the same time appreciated that it was nowhere near as cold as Carlos tried to keep his house. His studio was far hotter than this but he wasn't going to complain, he simply listened and rested his head on Carlos' shoulder. 

"It's been nice." Carlos hummed, lifting Kevin's chin to kiss him softly on the lips, "Turn around." 

Kevin did as he was told, purring as Carlos ran his fingers over his shoulders, lips leaving gently trails on his neck. 

\---

"Maybe after dinner we should go stargazing again." Kevin suggested as put a plate of spaghetti and bean balls in front of Carlos. It had taken him forever to get the bean balls to stay together but it finally looked the way it was meant to and Carlos seemed to enjoy it so Kevin was happy. 

"Are you sure? I thought we'd do something you wanted to do." 

"I don't mind what we do, I just want to spend time with you." 


	26. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 2 Alt) - Taking Off [END OF ACT 2 Alt]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos leaves and Kevin isn't happy.

It was a beautiful morning. He had been having a lot of beautiful mornings recently. The sun was shining and Carlos was deep in his work when Kevin had offered breakfast. He kept whispering about Cecil, but Kevin didn’t mind that too much. Carlos was excited for Cecil to join them and Kevin had agreed with him the night before that he wouldn’t hide himself away or try to avoid Cecil. They would be friends. Friends. 

Carlos was close to getting the results of his hard work and Kevin was excited for that too. If he wasn’t in love already, Kevin was sure that he was happy now. He would be happy, truly happy, as long as Carlos was around. He was uncomfortable about Cecil returning and going back to the way it was when he was here before but Carlos had assured him that they would still be friends, even if Cecil would take some of Carlos’ attention. Friends. They’d be  _ friends. _

“Carlos…” Kevin started as he put a few last things in his satchel to take to his station. Doug and Alyssa had agreed to help him decorate this morning so he had to be in early. When he got back Cecil would be here.  _ Cecil  _ would be  _ here,  _ “...are you happy?”

“Of course I am, Kevin.” Carlos assured, giving him a small smile. 

“I mean… are you happy with Cecil?”

Carlos paused, looking at Kevin fully now and considering his answer carefully. Kevin wasn’t sure what to make of the gesture but just hoped that he hadn’t offended the scientist by asking it. 

“Cecil is my boyfriend, Kevin. Why would you think I’m not happy with him?”

“Well, you said last night that we fit together well, right? I like equations and working and Cecil likes slacking off. We both find work romantic but Cecil would rather go from dinner or something. We-...” 

“Kevin, Cecil is my boyfriend. I know this is tough for you but you need to accept that this is what I’ve chosen.” 

Kevin nodded, saying goodbye and making his way to his studio. It was the first broadcast of the new radio station, and soon enough he and Cecil would be hosting shows together regularly. It was an exciting prospect. 

_ “We all have to start somewhere, we all have to end somewhere too but let’s concentrate on the other thing! Welcome to…”  _

Kevin was unsure how to continue. Carlos had always referred to this place as “desolate” and a “hellscape” when mentioning them alone or a scientifically interesting place when talking about features but Kevin didn’t believe either of those fit. He also knew that Carlos might be annoyed if he said “heaven”. He hummed in thought, looking out over the vast sands and their tiny town. Instead of any of those options, he settled on  _ “A Desert Otherworld.” _

The intro went relatively well, as did his quick tangent at the start. Now was the exciting part! Beautiful Carlos. Perfect Carlos. Not only could he listen to that beautiful voice but he could listen to him talk about science again. He was very into science these days. Kevin imagined that perfect hair as he heard Carlos’ excited voice through the phone starting to talk about making new things. Carlos hadn’t built much before Kevin came, other than his own house and science lab which were essential. It made Kevin feel useful and wanted that this new town had formed since he had inspired Carlos and the masked army to develop more and more things. It built a community! 

Then Carlos said something not-so-beautiful. Kevin realised he couldn’t fault the man for this as what is beautiful to one person, like blood or pasta salad, might be a disgusting reminder of your own mortality to another. Still, he kept his cheerful demeanor. He was on air, after all! 

He let Carlos continue, going back to thinking about those strong arms and that loose lab coat around them. How it would catch any stain before it could ruin Carlos’ outfit. He wondered how strong Carlos would really be if he tried. Carlos could lift him easily. It had been a while since he thought about his ribs cracking in Carlos’ hands but…  _ oh... _ These thoughts always lead to others that Kevin tried to push down, not wanting to think about that while he was on air. Carlos mentioned a breakthrough, then went silent in the middle of his response to Kevin’s question.

“Everything OK?” He asked nervously. It seemed the Masked Army were agitated, which wasn’t odd in itself but Carlos seemed worried so Kevin was worried. Still, the show must go on! 

Kevin dutifully described the roller coaster, which he had many times stared at with an odd jealousy of its inhabitants. They were getting all of the fun just because they didn’t know how to stop them. Kevin had desperately wanted to try the ride but Carlos had advised him not to let anyone on before he could check it. No one died in this place, so the Masked Army and Kevin had decided that letting people have some fun was important and the worst that could happen was someone losing a limb or breaking a bone and that would heal itself just fine! 

Then Carlos was back, explaining the commotion to Kevin. It made Kevin uncomfortable, listening to Carlos upset. He knew it wasn’t directed at him but it always felt like it was directed at him. Like he was making Carlos unhappy. It had nothing to do with him and yet the feeling was still there. He had wondered if that feeling would ever go away or if it was something much more ingrained. Something he had even before Strex. He changed the subject to distract Carlos, to make him happy again. Nothing made Carlos happier than science! Except maybe  _ Cecil  _ but Kevin wasn’t about to talk about his  _ ‘boyfriend’.  _

He still needed more time but that was fine. Kevin could fill any silence and had plenty to talk about. Ten years of things to talk about. Even if he didn’t have anything to talk about, Vanessa surely would! He tapped his fingers in the lizard’s blood as he spoke about what they had, looking around to see if he had missed any details. As he did, Vanessa appeared in the producer’s booth, waving happily at him, a wide smile full of perfect teeth filling her mouth. He could see where her gums met her face and where her skull cut off behind her jaw. She was beautiful and he waved to her, a fast and energetic wave that could obviously be heard in his voice. She had been helping with so much! 

Then Carlos was back again! Wonderful! Except… it didn’t sound wonderful. He sounded upset again. He sounded angry. Kevin kept smiling, knowing he would need to cheer Carlos up again. That was what he wanted more than anything, Carlos to stay happy. Oh, if Carlos was happy he could be. If Carlos was happy with  _ Cecil,  _ Kevin would have to be happy watching him with  _ Cecil. _ He tried, oh he tried his hardest to put a positive swing on what Carlos was telling him. It was hard! So hard! Even harder as Carlos’ tone set his mind back to thoughts of the man covered in Kevin’s blood. No. He was Carlos’ friend and wasn’t going to think about him like that anymore! He couldn’t have that anymore. He couldn’t have those gentle nights or the rough ones or the soft hugs or... He tried to change the subject back to the research. The research was a safe topic. Carlos liked research and it didn’t make Kevin think of blood at all. 

No, he wouldn’t think about it. Carlos talking about blood was too much. No! No, Carlos was his friend,  _ friend, _ he had to think of something other than bloodied hands on him. Something other than the scientist soaked in sweet, hot, life. His toes curled under the desk and he closed his eyes, trying to ignore it. 

_ “I don’t even know where to begin cleaning up all this blood!”  _

Kevin put some fingers to his lips, trying but failing to keep back the whimpers that came with the thoughts. Smiling God! Why was he like this? He had to breathe, compose himself. He put one leg over the other, face red as Carlos pointed out the massively inappropriate behaviour. They were  _ friends.  _ They couldn’t be  _ friends  _ if Kevin couldn’t let go. If Kevin couldn’t accept that Carlos  _ loved Cecil. _ Loved his  _ ‘boyfriend’.  _

“I just like your story.” He was breathy again, feeling embarrassed and dirty. Maybe giving in was for the best, “Carry on.”

Carlos didn’t, but it seemed the best time for the weather report. Kevin gave a brief prelude to it, having to stop himself as he mentioned the offending incident again before starting the weather report. 

Another deep breath. It was blood. He was surrounded by blood. He shouldn’t feel this way and he knew it. Carlos had told him many times that he shouldn’t feel like this towards blood. That it shouldn’t stoke warm, loving feeling deep within his stomach. It shouldn’t make him moan and whimper and beg. Blood was meant to disgust him, not make him feel lustful. On the other hand, it was specifically beautiful Carlos talking about being covered in blood. Kevin could forgive himself a little for reacting in such a way to what was essentially a realised fantasy, albeit realised in a much different way to the way he wanted Carlos covered in blood. That could be enough to ground himself, it wasn’t his blood. He wanted Carlos covered in  _ his  _ blood. He wanted Carlos intimately entwined with his own being, looking down on Kevin through that thick scarlet. Smiling God, his head raced with memories tainted and covered in blood. How much better it would have felt. How delightful it would have made him feel. 

It didn’t matter, the weather was at its end and the broadcast had to resume. Resume with something other than results. Instead Kevin decided to dip into different own memories, the buzzing hum in his head bringing back memories of Desert Bluffs. 

Oh, but then the door opened and Carlos stood there. He looked injured, definitely from the storm. Kevin frowned. Carlos was hurt and covered in dust. Carlos was hurt but Carlos would recover, so Kevin kept himself from rushing to his side. They would be happy together forever, here. Cecil would also be here but Kevin didn’t want to think about that. Then Carlos addressed the blood and Kevin wasn’t about to lie to him. It was nice that Carlos had noticed it, really. They had spoken about Kevin’s liking of blood so it wouldn’t be that much of a problem right? So why were the words so hard to get out… why did it feel so horrible, like Carlos was already judging him… 

Time to change the subject! He had the results in his hand and Kevin would talk about those instead. That was sure to change this awkward and nerve wracking situation into a much more pleasant one. 

It did not. Kevin tried his best to distract him. He even mentioned Cecil. He tried his best to distract Carlos but he couldn’t. He tried so hard to make Carlos happy. This wasn’t something he could help with, though. Carlos seemed nearly in tears. He had a letter… something else to change the… no, Carlos was talking around something. Around them. He knew it was around them. Carlos called him a mistake…  _ No…  _ He called them a mistake…  _ He didn’t like that… _ Then Carlos mentioned rededicating himself. So, it was to Cecil?  _ No…  _ He said he was hand delivering it and he was here, so it was for Kevin.  _ No…  _ Kevin tried harder! That was it! He just needed to try harder. He wasn’t making Carlos happy now, but he would!  _ NO!...  _ It didn’t matter what he did, Carlos had to make his own happiness. Even without him.  _ NO! NO!...  _ He mentioned going to Night Vale for one last time. So the letter was for Cecil… Did that make Kevin happy? Carlos said he had been kind to him. Carlos thanked him. He felt… relieved. He felt loved. He was happy. Truly happy. Carlos hadn’t been happy with Cecil. Carlos picked  _ him. _ Over all odds. Over all of the bad things he’d done… Carlos  _ picked him. _

The letter sat there on his desk. His stomach sank as he saw it.  _ Oh, he just forgot about it.  _

“I better not read it…”  _ It’s for Cecil. Carlos made it clear. It’s for Cecil, right? _

“No… better not…” He took an unsteady breath, trying to keep back his tears. His happiness was sinking away.  _ No, it is for Cecil. He said he’s going back for one last time… _

He ended the broadcast and snatched up the letter, staring for a few seconds before tearing into it. His brain was arguing with itself. His body was arguing with itself. He was arguing with himself. What even was he? Who even was he? Carlos had given him such a sense of purpose and love. Carlos said he  _ loved him! _ How had he driven him away?

His eyes scanned the letter, barely able to comprehend the words in front of him. 

_ “Dear Kevin, _

_ I’m so sorry. I do love you and I never want you to feel like you’re unloved but this place is dangerous. What you showed me is dangerous. I wish in my heart of hearts that you could come with me. Come back to Night Vale. You can’t and I know that and that makes this so much harder.  _

_ The past year has been incredible. I loved every moment I spent with you. I fell so hard for you and I will always have you in my heart but I love Cecil too. I couldn’t ask Cecil to live here, not when I know the danger I’d be putting him in. Not when I don’t know what is even causing that danger so I can’t, scientifically, solve the problem and make life livable. I can’t ask him to do that. I don’t want to ask you to do that but I have to. _

_ I really hope that you find someone. I really hope that you find happiness, real happiness. I just can’t be it.  _

_ Love, always,  _

_ Carlos“ _

Kevin smiled down at the page. Not because he had to smile or because he hadn’t leant to frown, he had a full range of emotions. He smiled to try and make himself happy. He tried to choose happiness but he couldn’t. He couldn’t. Tears weren’t running down his face because they couldn’t be but tears were running down his face in long, wet streaks. 

“I’m sad.”


	27. CITRUS AND SUNSHINE - Lazy Day (After Unprofessional)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa asked Kevin about his scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >>>> Warning
> 
> \- Child abuse. 
> 
> I took the chapter out because it's not really needed. It's mentioned several times in the series that Kevin didn't have a good childhood and I wanted to keep the fluff going before the Strex arc starts.

Vanessa rolled over, her face burying itself into Kevin’s chest. She felt him nuzzle into her hair and mumble a good morning before starting to snore again. She ran her hand behind his back, rubbing slow circles over his soft skin. Fingers mapped the bumps of several large scars. She’d noticed them the past couple of nights but wasn’t really in a position to wonder where they had come from at that point. Laying with him now, her mind wandered to several weird events in the town that could have caused such marks. They seemed old, so she assumed it would have been an event before she had moved here but at the same time, time didn’t exactly work here and Kevin wasn’t exactly human. 

She was so caught up in the thought that she didn’t notice the tentacle moving up his back until it wrapped itself around her wrist and pushed her back against the mattress, another softly stroking her cheek. Kevin had rolled onto his front, yawning before he spoke. She didn’t move against the tentacle pinning her, but her other hand moved up and was quickly grabbed by a third and pinned next to the first. 

“Please don’t rub them. The scars.” Kevin said, eyes setting on Vanessa now. A part of her was aroused by the effortless dominance he was exerting over her but she ignored it, knowing this wasn’t the time for that. She would definitely keep it in mind for later. “You can touch but… I don’t like it when I can tell you’re focusing on them.” 

“Sorry.” 

“It’s alright.” His grip loosened, retracting his tentacles fully. She returned her hand to his back but avoided touching the scars entirely, instead resting a hand above the patch of discoloured skin where his tentacles were. 

“Can I ask?” 

Kevin frowned, scratching the back of his neck as he thought about a way to word his answer. There was no real way to say it nicely but he didn’t need to attach more details to it than was necessary. It was a delicate subject. It was subject that if he was asked by anyone else he would have immediately dismissed. 

“My…” He paused, taking a deep breath to steady himself, “... My father was a disciplinarian.” 

Vanessa's jaw dropped and Kevin shrank into himself at the reaction, trying to comfort her by keeping talking. It was what he was good at, talking. 

“I mean, it’s not that bad. They’re just from before I let my… abyssal thing come out. After that it wouldn’t be half as bad. I really should have-…” 

“That’s terrible. I’m so sorry, Kevin.”

He fell silent, staring at her again. It was a lot to process. She apologised. It had nothing to do with her but she apologised anyway. The most he’d had in the past was a  _ ‘that sucks’ _ or a change of subject. He wasn’t really sure how to deal with Vanessa’s reaction and he could see Vanessa wasn’t completely sure how to comfort him other than rubbing circles on his lower back where there were no scars. 

“I-... no, it’s fine. Honest. It would just be when I was late home or I did something wrong. I mean, I’m sure your dad spanked you as a kid, right?” 

“No, never! My parents always explained what I did wrong and put me on the naughty step.” 

“Well…” Kevin’s voice hitched, holding back tears that stung his eyes, “...I mean, we’re different species. He was scared of what I was, I guess. He was only human.” 

“There’s no excuse, Kevin.” Vanessa’s words were soft and she moved to kiss his scars, waiting for him to nod before pressing the softest kisses against his skin, “You were just a child.” 

“He was a drunk...” He gave a sad laugh, wiping the tears that escaped his eyes from his face, “...and I was a monster. Clairvoyant parents are the worst because they can judge you for your future too. I don't even know what I'm going to do that's so bad... he wouldn't even tell me. Abigail moved as soon as she could but the Secret Police stopped her taking me with her.” 

“You’re not a monster. He was.” 

That did it. He couldn’t hold back any longer and sobbed into the pillow. The thoughts pressed back into his mind  _ ‘monster’ _ . Has anyone ever corrected him?  _ ‘All you do is hurt people’.  _ He could barely hear Vanessa as she whispered comforting words against his back.  _ ‘Disgusting boy’.  _

“I’ve never seen you hurt anyone.” She whispered into his ear and Kevin felt a hot tear drip onto the shell, “You’re not disgusting or a monster. You didn’t deserve what happened.” 

“What?” He whimpered, turning in shock to look at her. It took some thought but he realised that he had been projecting. She could feel what he was feeling. It was lucky he hadn’t had a flashback, that he hadn’t hurt her with that, “I’m sorry… I didn’t-...” 

He was interrupted by a soft kiss. It was broken almost immediately but it was enough to quiet him.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. Come on, a nice, hot shower will help.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh and, I know I said 2 but I read through the other and realised I mislabelled it.


	28. BEAUTIFUL MALADIES - GOOD MORNING STREXCORP: PART 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> StrexCorp expects all new employees to have an introduction and first impressions ready to show other potential employees (who choose to be there). 
> 
> This is the recording they show employees before they make their statement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'll be writing one of these for each member of Strex that is mentioned. 
> 
> The first ones I'll be doing are Damien and Susan's (This one), Kevin's, and Diego's.  
> OC's (and Human!Daniel's and Ted the Weatherman's) will be as they join Strex/get through training. If it's not posted when they first join Strex in the main fics, it's because they need training first/wouldn't give a good review. 
> 
> Lauren's will be posted before I start posting Beautiful Maladies because it is going to have a lot of plot from there in it. 
> 
> I changed the title so they match the timeline of when they'd be recorded. Technically this one would be pre-Beautiful Maladies, but I'm not writing pre- that so. 
> 
> Most of these would be taken in the time frame of Special Training but some will be pre-Beautiful Maladies (this one and Sam Reed's) and some will be during Citrus and Sunshine.

_"Good morning, My name is Damien Mallard, CEO of StrexCorp Synernists Incorporated and welcome to your first day. Here at Strex we highly value your opinions and feedback which is why we ask you to make this special recording telling us your first impressions of our happy company. As you already know, we value a strong and happy workforce and look forward to seeing the smiles on everyone's beautiful faces. _

_"Now we know that introduction can be hard, so we've attached the introduction video of our new Chief Financial Officer to show you how we do it. Take notes of her lovely smile and perfect teeth. If you do not yet have your perfect teeth, please apply for them at the dentistry office immediately. We look forward to seeing your teeth. All of them._

_"Believe in a Smiling God."_

_\-----_

_"Good morning, My name is Susan Smith, I am 29 years old and I am taking the position of CFO at StrexCorp._

_"After my master's degree, I worked many unhappy, un-smiling jobs in order to simply pay my rent. I have always held that a happy workforce is a productive workforce and yet I found myself in jobs with little progression and no smiles. I found myself with bosses that valued vacations and personal time over working and smiling. I knew already this wasn't the right place for me but as a hard working and productive individual, I stuck with it and led several companies to their most profitable selves._

_"After I met Mr Mallard, I took a strong interest in his company. Not only did they have incredible profit margins but every worker had a friendly and welcoming smile. How could I not apply for a company like that? The staff welcomed me quickly into my position and unlike other jobs I've held, no one was upset about a woman taking a higher position than them. I am so happy to have found this wonderful company and with your help, we can make this the richest, most productive company in the world._

_"Believe in a Smiling God."_

_\----_

_"Good morning, My name is Susan Mallard, I am 39 years old and am updating my initial impressions recording._

_"As well as being a joint owner, CFO, and mother of two beautiful children, I am the happiest I have been in my life. The StrexCorp family has grown incredibly fast and we couldn't do it without beautifully Smiling employees such as yourself. Thank you for your hard work._

_"And remember, think on meadows._

_"Believe in a Smiling God._

_\----_

_"Good morning, My name is Susan Mallard, I am 49 years old and am updating my recording again._

_"As a proud mother of three, I'm delighted to be introducing the StrexCorp daycare program. We listened to employee concerns about productivity while looking after little ones and have hired a wonderful team of professional nurses and carers to look after your little bundles of joy while you are hard at work, building a better future and more profits for our wonderful company._

_"And remember, your productivity pleases the Smiling God._

_"Strex: Believe in a Smiling God."_


	29. SPECIAL TRAINING - GOOD MORNING STREXCORP: PART 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin's introduction video(s).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >>> Warning
> 
> Drugs

_ “No.”  _

_ “Kevin, do we really need to go through this. Your town is gone. It’s ours now.”  _ A man’s hand comes into shot, lifting Kevin’s chin and stroking down his face with a ringed thumb,  _ “Be a good boy, won’t you.” _

_ “Fuck you.”  _

_ "Oh, I do hope so." _

\-----

_ “Why am I doing this again?”  _ Kevin looked into the camera, his pupils pinpricks in sunken gold and his face drooped. 

_ “If you do a nice initial interview, we’ll give you a little apartment in the facility where you can go each night. All to yourself, perfectly safe for you to stay in. A break from that hospital room.”  _

_ “That sounds nice. I can go tonight?”  _

_ “No…”  _ Kevin’s chin was lifted again, softer this time and the man’s voice was far more gentle,  _ “... but if you do this well, you can spend the night in my apartment. That way you don’t miss out on your reward.”  _

_ “Yeah… ok… _

_ “Good morning, My name is Kevin Palmer. I don’t know how old I am. I’m a radio host for Deser-... StrexCorp.  _

_ “I don’t remember what happened… Strex took over our town. I remember but… it doesn’t feel like me anymore. I’m… so much happier.”  _

_ “That was good enough for now. We can’t show it to prospective employees but it shows progress.” _

_ "I-... I'm not on your side, Damien." _

_ "But you're too drugged up to fight. That's a step forwards." _

_ \----- _

_ “Good morning. My name is Kevin Palmer.”  _ Kevin smiled, pupils flooding his eyes and almost overwhelming his irises,  _ “It’s so pretty and… Oh, ho… right… I’m a radio host. I’m sure everyone knows that, Damien.  _

_ “I love my town so very much. I miss them. I miss them all… oh… but everything is so pretty now. So beautiful. So happy. Rising and diving. Rising and diving... so colourful!” _

_ “We’ll try this again with a different mixture of medicine, Kevin.” _

_ “Oh… but I’m doing so well on this one. I really love it like this. All the colours and lights. It’s so beautiful. I want to follow the fox, Damien. He has secrets. Deep secrets... about me, I think. He knows what I've done... He knows how I failed... Oh...”  _

_ “Come on, let’s get you back to Dr. Berry.”  _

_ \----- _

_ “Good Morning, My name is Kevin Palmer. I am the radio host for StrexCorp’s branch in Desert Bluffs. _

_ “After I saw the blinding light of the Smiling God and Its gaping maw towering over me in such wonderful hunger, I realised that the only way we can move forwards is through the hard work and happiness of Its blinding light! _

_ “We all deserve to be happy. We all deserve to smile. We all deserve peace. _

_ “Believe in a Smiling God, my friend!”  _

_ “Ok, Kevin, we can use that. Good boy.”  _

_ “I don’t need to be patronised, Damien, but thank you. Now maybe you could not send me back to training again. That would be nice.” _

_ “Maybe once you’ve learnt not to talk back.”  _


	30. BEAUTIFUL MALADIES - GOOD MORNING STREXCORP: PART 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diego's introduction video.

_ “Good morning. My name is Diego Mallard. I’m five. I’m doing well in business English and Science. My reading level is of a 12 year old.” _

_ “That’s great, Dee. Now tell everyone what you want to be.” _

_ “I want to be a scientist and make robots.” _

_ “Great, and what do you think of Strex?” _

_ “I love Strex. Strex is my family and they make me feel like I can do everything.”  _

_ “Good boy, go ask Calina for an ice cream.”  _

_ \----- _

_ “Good morning. My name is Diego Mallard and I’m 11 years old. My education has allowed me to start on formal qualifications and…” _

_ “You don’t need to be formal.” _

_ “Oh… Right.  _

_ “I’ll be studying robotics, chemistry, physics, and computer science to specialise.  _

_ “I wouldn’t be where I am now if I wasn’t raised in Strex. It is a great company.  _

_ “Believe in a Smiling God.”  _

_ “Thanks, Diego.” _

_ \----- _

_ “Good morning, My name is Diego Mallard. I’m 14 and studying robotics and computer science. That’s my only update for now. _

_ “Believe in a Smiling God.”  _

_ \---- _

_ “Good morning, My name is Diego Mallard. I’m currently 18 years old and am the Chief Scientific Officer for StrexCorp.  _

_ “I have achieved a Master’s degree in robotics and look forward to developing the new range of StrexBots and androids. My first step on this project was to upgrade Harmony to feel love. This… hasn’t worked, however the programming seems to have worked on other androids so this may be due to Harmony’s other personality chips rather than an error across the board. I think it’s best to upgrade the androids in this way before they are upgraded to be of the same standard as companion bots such as Harmony. My master’s focused on making androids with full ranges of emotions in a more cost effective way, so an android made for, say, scientific research can also act as a companion bot and visa versa…”  _

_ “Diego, please, there’s no need for so much detail. I get that you’re excited but just stating the nature of your project would have been enough.”  _

_ “Right… sorry… Strex is an amazing corporate atmosphere where we encourage your curiosity, continued study, and enthusiasm.  _

_ “Believe in a Smiling God.” _


	31. BEAUTIFUL MALADIES - GOOD MORNING STREXCORP: PART 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Samantha Reed's (Kevin's doctor in the first few chapters of YG and throughout ST) introduction video and her informational videos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > Mild warning
> 
> Lack of Bodily autonomy (of cyborgs)

_ “Good Morning, My name is Doctor Samantha Reed, I’m 29 and I am the Head of Surgery at StrexCorp. _

_ “All my life I’ve felt different. After I was in an accident, I lost my legs and thought I would never be able to go on. Fortunately, StrexCorp owned my state and I was given new legs free of charge. Ever since then I’ve wanted to work for this wonderful company as more than simply a pencil pusher like my parents were. As you can imagine, having to rely on robotic legs to get around can be a struggle but StrexCorp thought of that and trained me in engineering and programming to allow me to do my own maintenance and feel in control of my own life. I'll talk more about that in the 'welcome to your new self' video.  _

_ “Strex had no objections to me leaving the country to study and I earned my medical degree from Oxford University. I practiced medicine in England for a year before my medical licence was revoked. I simply wanted to make people’s lives better but apparently ‘we can’t just upgrade people’ and ‘that’s immoral’. It seems that most of the world is quite adverse to progress, but not StrexCorp. _

_ “I came back to my home state and was immediately offered a job here at Strex. Strex knew that I wanted to make a difference to people’s lives and that what was truly immoral was letting people go round being anything but their best selves.  _

_ “Smile! Or I will give you implants in your checks that force you to.” _

_ “Sam, please don’t threaten potential employees.”  _

_ “Fine… Smile, and of course… _

_ “Believe in a Smiling God.”  _

_ \----- _

_ "So you've got robotic limbs. What now? _

_ "Hi, I'm Doctor Samantha Reed, Head of Surgery here at StrexCorp, and I'm here to tell you all you need to know to get started using your new body parts! _

_ "Here at Strex, we understand the importance of being able to fix yourself. You miss far less working hours if you can simply pick up a screwdriver and sort the issue. You waste less of everyone else's precious time too. _

_ "Here are some frequently asked questions about your new implants, limbs, or other devices we have attached to you! If you have further questions, keep them to yourself and get back to work. _

_ "Question one; Will I feel pain in my new limbs? The answer is yes! All replacement limbs are fitting with neural networks, allowing for sensation of all kinds. You also may experience a pain as if your legs are frozen and trapped into a cage of crushing metal. Don't worry, though, that's psychological and can be fixed with simple smile therapy. Talk to your doctor, the other one not me, about your options.  _

_ "Question two; Why have I been given this? That depends on situation. If you have an injury or disability, Strex fixes these to make you your most productive and cost effective self. If you had a cosmetic concern, we fix those too. Otherwise, I may just have been that I thought you needed to do better and fixed the body part or parts that I thought you needed fixing. Or that I wanted to fix. Always a possibility. I do get bored. _

_ "Question three; How long is my maintenance course? Your course is downloaded straight to your chip, however the testing of this knowledge and manual training can take anywhere from a week to a year. Your pay will be deducted depending on how long you need. _

_ "Good luck with your new limbs!  _

_ "Believe in a Smiling God." _

_ \---- _

_ "So, you've got a whole new body. What now?  _

_ "Hi, I'm Samantha Reed, Head of Surgery here at StrexCorp, and I'm here to tell you all you need to know to get started using your new body! _

_ "Although you will be given training on most common issues with your body, unfortunately it is likely you will need outside help to fix most things as we like to keep your access panel away from you. Don't want you messing with what's in there. You should report to Diego Mallard where possible for this maintenance, or the head of robotics at your branch. You should be able to feel a full range of sensations with your new body but some subjects have reported feel that their body is wrong or that they are trapped in a living nightmare for which they cannot escape. If this applies to you, please submit your chip for inspection and we will see it the problem is psychological or if it's physical. _

_ "Remember, your body belongs to Strex. It's our technology. This means any tattoos, piercings, or other body modifications must be approved through a supervisor and you must fill out the required forms if you want to... have a partner." _ Sam winked into the camera, _"Any additional improvements you might want from your body can be purchased using your work credits, so save those up and really feel like your body is your own. Although it isn't. We own you._

_"Strex, Believe in a Smiling God."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the next one will be post not of Thursday but next Sunday as it's starting to be people we see joining Strex. Sam joins 'off camera' during Beautiful Maladies, so there's little point trying to line it up.


	32. CITRUS AND SUNSHINE - Good Morning StrexCorp: Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex's videos

_ “G-Good morning… My name is A-Alex Jones. I’m 28.” _

_ “You need to smile, Nurse Jones.”  _

Alex pulled their face into an unconvincing smile, shaking as they spoke.

_ “I am a nurse for StrexCorp.  _

_ “E-Everyone here is s-s-so nice. Everyone is smiling and fr-friendly. My partner will be joining me soon. I-...”  _ Tears ran down their cheeks and they closed their eyes, waiting for their punishment. It came in the form of a doctor dragging them away. 

_ \---- _

_ “Good morning.”  _ Alex’s eyes adjusted to the light, blinking a few times from the brightness and causing the irises to change colour with the force. The panels of the shutters growing to shrink his pupil,  _ “My name is Alex Jones. I’m 28. I am a nurse for StrexCorp.  _

_ “Everyone is so nice here. Everyone is smiling and friendly. My partner will be joining me soon. I can’t wait to see him with my… new two eyes.  _

_ “Believe in a Smiling God.”  _

_ \---- _

_ “I don’t see why I have to do this again.”  _

_ “You sounded depressed on your last recording. Look, we let you speak to Daniel. We gave you more robotics. The least you can do is smile and say how much you love the company.” _

_ “I don’t love the company.”  _

_ “Unless you want to go into training, you do love the company.”  _

_ … _

_ … _

_ “Good morning, my name is Alex Jones. I’m 28. I am a nurse from StrexCorp. _

_ “I love… this company, it’s a really positive and happy working environment with benefits for all members of staff. With a wide range of available enhancements, make yourself the best version of you with Strex.  _

_ “Believe in a Smiling God.”  _

_ “Better?”  _

_ “Much. You’ll need to record another when you become Soto.”  _

_ “Fine.”  _

_ \--- _

_ "Good morning, my name is Alex Jones. I'm 29. I'm a nurse for StrexCorp _

_ "Although I don't remember much, StrexCorp and my partner have been here for me, helping me to remember my role in this wonderful company. They've reminded me of the bright beauty of the Smiling God and shown me how to be the best version of myself. They showed me the imperfections I used to have before I lost my memory. I'm glad that I've had a second chance to be able to change these and grow. I'm happy to say that I wouldn't be the person that I am without Strex. They've shown me how to best care for my patients, how to love them, how to make them feel at home. I look forward to meeting my patient again.  _

_ "I really do recommend this company for everyone. It's such a loving place. _

_ "Believe in a Smiling God."  _


	33. YOUR GHOSTS (attached to act 4&5 alt) - Recovery: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin's recovery has some side effects.

“It will rise and we shall be devoured!” Kevin cheered, raising his arms to the sky. The congregation copied his movement before standing and starting to socialise with one another. It was a blessing to have the temple and the community as it was. To Kevin, it was helping him through his problems and keeping his memory clear. He was remembering a lot more of what people were telling him when they told him after sermons. He was meeting new friends, although he still didn’t feel like they were as interested in him than their other friends. He would often spend most of the day in the temple, giving advice and talking to people. Sometimes they’d mention his radio show but it had been a while since he had broadcast so he thought nothing of it.

“Hey, Kevin.” Savannah said from behind him, a piece of paper outstretched to him, “Jesse and I have decided to get married. We think it’s best with a little one on the way. Do you think we could have a traditional service?”

“Oh, how delightful! Of course, I would be honored to do that for you.”

“Thanks. I know you’ve got your movie night with the Mallards tonight, but maybe we could talk about what we want over dinner tomorrow.”

“Movie… oh, yes, of course. Tomorrow sounds good…” Kevin smiled, waiting for Savannah to leave before properly considering what she had actually said, “That was fast… oh, oh well… we don’t know how the desert works, I suppose. A-and I’m sure she just meant Ms. Mallard… the others aren’t here… surely not…” 

\-----

He brought popcorn. He wasn’t sure what else to bring, seeing as Savannah had made it seem like this event, which hadn’t happened since his time in Strex, was a regular occurrence. Still, it was only polite to bring something for your host, so he brought popcorn. 

Daisy answered the door, slapping herself in the face when she tried to hug him, “Sorry, the neural frame is playing up badly today. It should fix itself soon, I hope.” 

Kevin just smiled and nodded, helping Daisy get to the table and sit down. She had a ring on. He’d never seen her wear jewelry, other than her wedding ring before but he tried to push it from his head. This was going to be a nice evening. He wasn’t sure why he had been invited but it would be a nice evening. 

“So, Savannah is having a service at the Temple of Joy. I’m pretty excited to do that.”

“Yeah, she’s been talking about asking you for a little while now. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to have it before or after she had her baby.”

“I think after would be best. Although the Smiling God’s light is for all, a wedding is no place for a baby.”

“I can’t wait to hold them. I love babies so much but Dais isn’t too keen.” Lauren beamed, seeming to appear out of thin air, “I remember when Savannah had her first. Leon was such a cute baby.”

Kevin furrowed his eyebrows, looking between the too and then down to his hand. He wasn’t holding the invitation anymore. He’d carried it all the way here, he was sure of it. He wanted to show the two, suggest they have a ceremony like it in a few years time. It was just gone. He hadn’t dropped it. 

“...and their wedding.” He added cautiously, more a question than a statement.

“Oh it was beautiful, you did an amazing job.” Daisy told him, leaning across the table and taking his hand, “Do you remember? The blood and you even made tooth confetti. Although, I think they were just teeth chips.” 

He did remember… but no. He couldn’t remember something that hadn’t happened. Could he? It was so clear… but so hazy…

Then Daisy wasn’t holding his hand and instead of Daisy, Lauren sat across from him, “So, Yolander and Leon, Savannah’s kids are starting school now. Being the first kids from around here means we’re going to see how our local achievement is. I told the teachers it doesn’t matter but they said the other kids are all going to talk about their home towns and not their  _ home _ which is this town. Crazy, right?” 

Kevin looked around the house. The decoration had changed. The furniture had changed. Lauren had even got a haircut. His heart pounded in his chest and confusion filled him. What were they doing? What was happening? What was she talking about? 

“Kevin, are you alright?”

“No!” Kevin yelped, jumping out of his seat and spinning around, trying to find something to explain what was going on, “What’s happening?”

“Ok, ok, calm down. Listen. Listen to me.” Daisy cooed softly, holding his shoulders. Lauren was nowhere to be seen, “This happens sometimes. We’re friends, alright. Do you remember the sermons you’ve been given.” 

“Yes… I mean… no… I…” He thought hard. They were there, but they were distant. Different, “I know them.” 

“Good. What did you have for lunch?” 

“I-I don’t know…” 

“Ok, ok. Don’t worry. Just breathe. In… 1… 2… 3… out… 1… 2… 3…” 

Then she was gone. He was in the Temple again. People socialising. People talking and enjoying themselves. Everything was fine. There were old faces and new. A lot more children than he remembered but he’d make sure to learn their names. He’d make sure to have activities that would teach them about the Smiling God. Books. He reached into his pocket, finding his journal to write it down. He never wrote in it and it was as good of a use as any. 

When he opened it, the pages were filled. Almost all of them. It was his handwriting but he hadn’t remembered writing it. 

“I’m just tired…” He told himself, taking a deep breath, “Just tired. Let’s go home and get some sleep.” 

\----

Oh… he was in the radio station. Well, at least he had a script to keep him on track. Some of the details seemed very wrong but he would just change that… and that… and oh, a different script? Odd but not the worst thing…

\----

“...his name’s Donovan. He’s 5. He’s a sweet kid. We moved here because I want him to go to a good school with a good community. One based in happiness and positivity. He starts this year and the last thing I wanted was him to go to school in Pine Cliffs.” 

Who was this strange but beautiful man stood in front of him? Why was he here? Why did he have such perfect teeth? Of course, the answer to this was obvious. Kevin was dreaming. He had gone home and settled in his bed and now he was dreaming. Dreaming of a perfect man with perfect hair and perfect teeth. He looked like Carlos, but even more perfect and Kevin felt his heart leaping out of his chest at the same time as sinking into his stomach. This man’s words upset him but this man obviously didn’t. 

\-----

“He’s so enthusiastic about planes.” 

Yes, this was a dream. Definitely a dream. Everything was going so fast, he was obviously dreaming this whole thing. There was no way he had been at Daisy’s house only a few hours ago, or what seemed like it. 

“He wants to be a pilot when he grows up.” 

Yes, this was a dream. This couldn’t be real. Why would he be in a man’s home, with his son.  _ Donovan _ . 

\-----

"Hey, dad, you alright?" 

This man was new as well. Desert Bluffs hadn't ad its first graduation, yet here he was in graduation robes. He was touching Kevin's should but Kevin didn't have kids... he looked like Donovan... but Donovan was small. Did he have an older brother? Why did Charles mention him. _Charles._ The man he'd met moments ago was Charles... 

"Yeah..." Kevin nodded but wasn't sure his words were believable. He couldn't believe them himself.

"Ok... good. Dad will be out in a second, ok. He's just getting water."

"Charles?"

"Yeah, Charles."

\-----

"What could he be doing?" 

Kevin jumped, looking around. He was back in Charles' living room but Charles wasn't there. He could hear him but he wasn't there. There were photos on the shelf. Pictures. Photos he didn't remember having taken. He looked so happy. They all did. 

"Kevin? Did you hear me?" Charles' said, appearing behind him, "Oh... dissociating again?"

"What happened?"

"A lot. Let's get you a drink. Do you remember your breathing exercises?" 

Kevin nodded, sitting a doing what Daisy had told him to earlier. It was earlier right? Earlier today? Earlier this week? 

\-----

"Charles?" Kevin asks, the man having disappeared. He walks around the house, looking for the man. He calls him. No response. He calls the man who had called him _'dad'._ There's no response. He looks at the hat that sits on the table that wasn't there before, "Charles?"

His voice gets more panicked as he rushes out of the door. No one is there. No one is in any of the houses. He settles in the lighthouse. He knows the lighthouse. 

\-----

Everything is empty. Was it ever full? He's not sure anymore. How long has it been? Did that matter either? No.

He moved down from the lighthouse and walked. There was nothing here anymore. Everything had gone so quickly. Everything would go, eventually. The world is desolate. He wasn't sure it had ever not been. 


	34. YOUR GHOSTS (attached to Act 2 alt) Family Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diego shows up in town

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this and the next chapter have Alts because it's whether Kevin/Carlos spoke to Diego or not. They aren't that far from the original chapters but they are different.
> 
> >>>> WARNINGS
> 
> >>> non-con (not just mention for this one) *********  
> > Trigger phrase use.

He was sure he knew that car from somewhere. It had already been two hours driving towards him as he waved and waved. He wanted all of the new residents to feel greeted properly but this system was exhausting and he was regretting keeping hold of it for so long. He was sure he knew that car from somewhere. It was black. It was shiny. It was driving way too fast. A lot of cars had these traits. It had an orange stripe. It was a sports car. It was throwing up a lot of sand. Less cars had these qualities. That didn’t mean that the car was unique and that was what wasn’t helping. Kevin just couldn’t put his finger on where he’d seen it before. He just couldn’t imagine anywhere where he would have seen a car like that. No one drove anything like that around Desert Bluffs, that was for sure. 

Then it hit him! It had come by about a week prior and had almost been run off the road by a black van that looked like it had been spray painted by a bunch of children. The car had turned around then chased the van and Kevin had been extremely disappointed because it hadn’t come back. He had stood there waving at it for almost four hours that day and Kevin had felt completely drained by the time he’d decided to stop waiting for the car.

It didn’t take as long this time. He wasn’t sure if this was due to the speed the car was going or just because today was a fast day. The tinted window reflected his wide smile and pleasant wave back at himself as he waited for the person inside to roll it down. He wasn’t exactly sure if there was a person inside the car with how long it had taken or if he was being extremely rude by waving at a sentient car.

He was eventually answered. His smile dropped in time with the window as it revealed the man behind it. 

“Hey. Where’s your little boyfriend?.” 

His breath caught. His heart stopped. Eyes widened. Hands trembled. Everything told him to run away. Everything told him to stay put. His whole body was fighting against himself to react to this man. The man that had shown him such love. The man that had tortured him so badly. The man that had stopped him from having memories. The man that had been slowly releasing his memories to him to ‘clear up valuable space’ on Strex’s systems. 

“He left. A while ago. Why are you here Diego?”

“Business. Where’s Alex?”

Alex? Kevin had expected a gun. Kevin had expected Diego to threaten him or kidnap him. He had expected something but not that. Even Diego's demeanour wasn't what he was expecting.

“The nurse? They don’t live here. I’ve not seen them since… wow… since I got out of training last time.” 

“Great.” Diego sneered, lighting a cigarette and stepping out of the car. He towered over Kevin and Kevin couldn’t help but keep his eyes on the man’s own. He didn’t even notice Diego offering him a smoke until he had shoved the packet at Kevin. Kevin just waved his hands to refuse, although the offer was tempting at this point, “Caught up with them in Alabama. They fled again. I was on my way here and they came out of nowhere right in front of me. They took a bunch of the kids, so, you know. Way more of a concern than you and your little pet project.” 

“I thought you got fired?”

“Not if I bring those three back. Strex has a high price on their heads. I've been following them a while.”

“Right…”

“Anyway, that’s not why I’m here.” 

“Why are you here, then?” Kevin asked again, this time gritting his teeth through his smile. He just wanted this sorted out so Diego could run off back to Strex and he could forget he'd even had to see him again. He could forget about all those unpleasant memories.

“Lauren. Where is she?”

“Lauren?” Kevin's eyes darting downwards as he tried to think of an excuse, “She doesn’t live here. No. You think I’d let her live in heaven. She’s not pure enough. No, even the Smiling God doesn’t-...”

“Where is she?” Diego asked again, moving closer to Kevin and running his gun under the man's chin in such a _sensually_ terrifying way. Kevin wasn't sure how to feel about it. It was a threat, sure. It was Diego, sure. Still, the feel was so pleasantly cold against his hot, burnt skin.

“You won’t shoot me.”

"Who says I'm threatening to shoot you? Last I checked, you like gun play." Diego purred, moving closer to his ear, "I'm sure _Carlos_ didn't let you have all your fantasies."

"It's not a bribe, either."

“Go to sleep, Kevin. I-...” 

\-------

Kevin’s eyes fluttered open, the black roof and leather chairs focusing and then blurring again. Where was he? Were they moving? Where were they going? Then it hit him; Diego! He shot up, hands darting towards the window to stare out at the town. He expected it to be getting further away but they were just driving around it. Diego was far too focused on figuring out the roads, which weren’t yet sign posted, than on what was happening in the backseat. It made Kevin worry about what would happen when the man noticed he was sat up. What would happen when he realised that Kevin would know where they were going.

Diego’s eyes flicked up to the rear view mirror and he grinned, sending shivers through Kevin’s spine, “Good morning, Sunshine. Where’s your house?”

“My house? Why?”

******

“Lauren isn’t here. She would have been using your chip by now, if not for anything other than for sex.” He turned to Kevin, offering him a smoke again and this time Kevin took it, “You started screaming and then passed out, which tells me it did a boot. Must have taken quite some energy, so it probably sent a current through your head to make you pass out so it could finish.” 

*******

“That means very little to me.” Kevin replied, leaning forward to point each time Diego needed to turn, “If Lauren’s not here, you’re going back to looking for Alex and whoever they're with, right?”

“No… Not yet, at least. I haven’t seen you in so long, why would I just leave now? I want to see what’s new. I want to do couple’s things. I’ve really missed you.” 

The hand on his knee was far from welcome and Kevin huffed. Diego still didn’t get the message, so Kevin pushed the hand away, clarifying, “We’re not a couple. I remember what you did, everything you did. Do you know how much I don’t want to do couple’s things with you?”

When they pulled into the driveway, Kevin pouted. He hated that Diego was following him inside. He was lucky that Diego hadn’t reacted to his previous remarks or questions. He hated that Diego was in his house, looking at his pictures and his books. Diego picked up a picture of Kevin, Lauren, and Daisy. He turned, showing the picture to Kevin. 

“So, she is here.” 

“She visited on her way to Toronto.” 

“You know Toronto is in Canada, right?”

“As far away from Strex as she could get.” Kevin grinned, watching as Diego put the picture down again and shrugged off his jacket. He set a drink in front of the man, turning to take his own seat. 

*******

The sudden movement backwards pulled the drink from Kevin’s hand and a yelp from his mouth. Suddenly he hand arms wrapped around his waist and lips of his neck, “Go to sleep, Kevin.” 

********

\------

The next morning, Kevin showed Diego around the town. He showed Diego the whole of the Temple of Joy, despite Kevin’s obvious discomfort the whole time. The station was next but Diego seemed less interested, paying far more attention to Kevin than he was comfortable with. Kevin tried his best to move Diego along, wanting to be somewhere more public than his studio.

Kevin opened the door to the spa, giving a small look around before turning to push Diego back. It was too late. The man had his eyes set on the same thing as Kevin had noticed. He was already walking towards them, Kevin left in the door to consider whether to simply run away or whether to try and de-escalate whatever fight was about to happen.

“Little sister.” Diego purred, running a hand down Daisy’s bare back and making her jump up, the stones that were on her falling to the floor and breaking into pieces. Her hands clumsily grabbed her towel and pulled it up to her chest, scowling when she noticed that Diego had been staring, “Don’t worry, Daisy-chain, we tend to share.”

Lauren sat up, not caring so much about her towel as guiding Daisy away from the man and asking her to go in the sauna. Daisy gave a joyous ‘I’m scared’. She still did as she was told, going into the women’s side of the sauna and letting Lauren address her brother. 


	35. YOUR GHOSTS (attached to Act 2 alt) Family Reunion: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diego makes a compromise with Lauren
> 
> ** DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY ANYTHING IN THE WARINGS**  
> Unlike Act 2 v2 itself, the other version fits in fine with Act 2 v2. The original version of this chapter has less content around these triggers and the parts that are starred are mainly the same. I won't be doing a long summery because it would be the same as the long summery on the original version. 
> 
> Be aware and stay safe <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >>>> Warnings
> 
> >>>> Non-con (unlike the other version, it's fade-to-black rather than just being mentioned.)  
> >>>> Death, guns, suicide (same as the other version)  
> >>>> Trauma related stuff  
> >>>> Assigned Partner stuff
> 
> NOTHING IS STARRED IN THIS VERSION. IF YOU NEED A STARRED VERSION, IT WOULD BE THE SAME (MAINLY) AS THE ORIGINAL VERSION - [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23753122/chapters/67501487)

“You should get dressed.” 

“I don’t need to.” 

Lauren’s voice was calm as she slipped back into her shoes, walking around the massage table and staring into Diego’s eyes. He stared back. Kevin looked between the two, then around the room at the several people who were now staring at them in silence.

“If you want to show up naked, I can’t stop you but I imagine the shareholders may have a problem with having a naked vice president.” He mocked, his hand slipping into his jacket and bringing out a tablet, his fingers going to the screen, “Your toy won’t need clothes, I’m sure.” 

As soon as Lauren’s eyes set on the device, it was on the floor. She’d smacked it out of his hands with such force that it took him a few moments to realise what had happened. By the time he’d processed it, Lauren’s heel was impaling it. Colours flashed across the screen in bars and then went black. Kevin’s eyes were glued to Diego, scared of what his reaction to this would have been. He hadn’t expected laughter. This day was getting weirder and weirder by the moment. 

“Get the fuck out. Of.  _ My _ . Town.” 

Her tone didn’t change. Her demeanour didn’t change. Her expression stayed solid and disapproving. Even when her hand was clutched around Diego’s wrist, smacking it against the massage table to free the gun that he had drawn from his clutches. Even with her leg wrapped around his. Even as she took the gun and discharged it into his skull. Even with the people around panicking and rushing out of the building, everyone except for Kevin and Daisy (who had come running until she saw Lauren stood over Diego’s body). 

“Please tell me he’s not coming back.” Kevin asked.

“It’s already healing.” Lauren sighed, gesturing to the hole with the gun, “We need a plan. He won’t go without a fight.” 

“Ok.” 

“What are we going to do, Kevin?” 

“Aren’t you a  _ manager? _ Don’t you come up with solutions?” Kevin stopped as Diego’s head raised and Lauren immediately put another bullet in it, “Keep doing that _. _ ”

“That’s not helpful. We need to do something before I run out of bullets.”

“Then  _ think _ of something.”

Lauren bit her lip, shooting him a third time as he raised his head. The longer she was quiet, the more nervous Kevin became. His heart was racing. He felt light headed. Everything was spinning. His head started burning. 

“You two aren’t as important to him. If I go, I’ll be fine. I’ll be happy and I’ll be productive again. I’ll go.” 

“You can’t, Lauren. We need you here.” Daisy argued, gesturing to Kevin, “There has to be another way. You’ve done so much for this town.”

This time took slightly longer, the three bullets popping out of his skull before he tried to raise it again. There was obvious confusion and pain on his face and Kevin could hardly blame him. “Diego, don’t sit up anymore than that. We can come to a compromise. Something that works for all four of us.” 

“Nothing will work for all four of us.” 

“Something must… I mean, what happens when you go back, Dee? You tell them about this place and they see how Lauren’s already taken over,  _ without _ StrexCorp finances?” Kevin recoiled at Diego’s reaction, “Let’s say you take Lauren back and don’t tell them about Desert Bluffs Too. What then? Lauren tells Damien while you’re away? Can’t keep an eye on your boss all the time.” 

“You have a point...” He confessed, raising his hands as he sat up fully, “... but still, unless I’d found her dead there’s no other way.” 

“What if it looked like you found her dead? I mean… things don’t die here.” 

“Kevin!” Lauren and Daisy snapped in unison, getting dismissive waves in return.

Almost as soon as his head turned to look at Lauren, Kevin was covered in another spray of blood but this time hissed in pain as he felt a burning in his shoulder, “Lauren.  _ Stop shooting him.  _ It’s not helpful.” 

“What are you doing? You want to kill me?”

“You’ll get better.” 

“He has a point.” Daisy agreed, although Kevin could see she was uncomfortable with the fact, “He can go back, be the vice president, and they won’t come here again because Diego will want them to stay clear.” 

Lauren looked between the two of them, ignoring Diego when he sat up again and started complaining about how much his head hurt. Kevin waited for him to finish, nodding along to everything he said in an attempt to hurry his rambling. It had gone from his headache to how it was scientifically fascinating that he was alive, then to how Strex could use this to their advantage and then back to his headache. Kevin was almost sure that he was getting a headache from just listening to him ramble on. 

“I have StrexCalm left. A lethal dose. Lauren would fall asleep before she died so it would hurt a lot less than other options. I suggest doing it at home, you’ll be dead for the whole night. It’s the longest I’ve been dead and I can tell you, you’ll be stiff but otherwise right as searing, burning heat!” 

“He needs to promise he won’t try anything while I’m out.” Lauren demanded, thrusting the gun at her brother.

“Daisy and I will make sure he doesn’t. I do have my smile knife on me  _ and,  _ and, I would  _ love  _ to kill him!” 

“Kill me and I’ll just come back. I’ll make all of your lives hell” 

Kevin paused, thinking. He looked up to Lauren for help but she only offered a gesture with his gun that said  _ ‘you want me to shoot him again?’.  _ This wouldn’t help the situation, so Kevin simply curled into himself, “Well, I could distract you, instead.”

“That works for me.” 

\-----

“I never used a tourniquet for you.”

“Yes, well, I don’t want to hurt you… too much.” 

Daisy pressed the gun into Diego’s back as she heard him snickering at this exchange. It didn’t seem to do anything to stop him, so she instead moved over to comfort Lauren. Kevin waited for her, letting Lauren squeeze Daisy’s hand as he gave her the first injection. It felt so wrong to be watching someone kill the woman she had so slowly and so strongly fallen in love with. To hold her hand as she died. To remember how the man who was killing her wife had killed her last and not left enough for Daisy to hold. Even in the knowledge that Lauren would be fine in the morning, it took everything to hold herself back from tearing Kevin to shreds the way he had done to Sophie. 

“It’s ok, Sweetie Belle. This will feel weird but you’ll be ok.” She reassured as Kevin took the tie off of her arm, “How do you feel?”

“Nothing yet. We are sure that this isn’t out of date, right?”

“Nothing goes out of date here, from what I can tell.” Kevin answered.

“What about food? It goes mouldy.” Daisy argued.

“Mould grows on it, it doesn’t go out of date. Mould is living, after all.”

“Good point.”

The three fell silent, Kevin standing and moving away from Lauren. Daisy could tell that this was more out of concern for his own safety rather than not wanting to be next to her. They’d become closer over the years but the relationship wasn’t perfect by any means and Lauren had never taken StrexCalm before. There was every chance she might rip his head off. Lauren suddenly bursting into laughter did nothing to help this concern, as she watched Kevin flinch away from her. 

“What a productive conversation! Oh, Kevin, this feels amazing! Why would you not want this wonderful warmness?” 

“Oh, you enjoy it? How  _ surprising.”  _

“Oh, Dais…” Lauren started again before simply purring at the other, “This is pleasant.” 

“Remember you chose to take this, Sweetie Belle.” She replied, stroking Lauren’s hair and guiding her head onto the back of the sofa, “No one else got a choice.” 

“I’m tired.” 

“It’s ok, go to sleep.” 

Daisy kissed her head softly as Lauren’s eyes closed, trying to keep tears out of her own. She didn’t want to look up at the man who was now standing over them. She could see his fingers. They pressed against Lauren’s neck. It didn’t feel like long enough. Holding her as she felt her breath stop. 

“Step away, Daisy. If you’re in the picture, I’ll be asked why I didn’t bring you back.” 

She nodded, letting Lauren fall slowly to the side as she moved behind Diego. Kevin’s arms around her shoulders were welcome. Her painkillers were welcome. The water was welcome. What wasn’t welcome was the click. 

“I want something else from you if this is happening.” Kevin told him, struggling to keep the smile off of his face as he felt the rush of hormones and chemicals. It tore him apart far more than before. He hated agreeing to this, “Take off her collar.”

“Daisy-chains?” Diego said, waiting for her to react to the name, “I noticed earlier that Lauren uses your chip. Kevin passed out when I used his. You did-...”

“Lauren is amazing isn’t she! Such a wonderful person. So kind and caring even when you’re all desperately trying to corrupt her.” 

“Ok… that’s not what I asked, but fine. Daisy, shouldn’t you do your job.” Diego gestured to Kevin, “I’m sure Lauren would love a child.”

“We’re not having kids? What do you mean? Kids. Oh, yes. Kids are so cute, aren’t they. I have five. Three from Kevin, one is yours - I know y-...” 

“You’re rambling.” 

“It helps, doesn’t it. Rambling. Distracting. Not thinking about what you’re telling me to do. No neural frame to control me with. Question, why did you keep slapping me in the face? I wasn’t even near you. Is it funny for you?” 

“Hilarious, if you must know.” He looked at Kevin who was just watching the two and then back to Daisy, “Fine. Come here and I’ll take your collar off.” 


	36. Alex's Story [Citrus and Sunshine]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long summery of Outcast, Another Perspective, Turbulence, and Temporary Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so, there are a lot of warning on these four chapters. They are also very long chapters.
> 
> This is the long summery because it would be hard to bullet point. Stay safe.
> 
> Some unavoidable triggers are in the summery
> 
> It will be organised by chapter and chapter it relates to from the start of the fic. I will but specific parts with warnings first.
> 
> I've not finished Temporary Happiness yet, but will add that to this chapter when I have.

**Outcast**

_Strex parts_

***Warnings for signs of abuse***

Alex is looking at themself and remembering what they used to look like before Strex made them a cyborg. They have been spending the day getting food stuff thrown at them and are now sitting in the shower remembering their past.

They sit in the shower all night without realising and one of their bosses fetches them to go to work. 

_Pre- Citrus and Sunshine_

***Warnings for death/murder [mention no one die], signs of abuse [verbal & kicking out], homophobia [mention]***

Alex and Vanessa are talking about Vanessa leaving. Vanessa has never heard of Desert Bluffs where her father wants to take them and expresses worry at the fact their dad might be taking them into the desert to kill them. Alex seems to think this is normal behaviour and Vanessa corrects them. Alex offers to run away with Vanessa and Vanessa denies the offer. They start to make out but Alex is uncomfortable when Vanessa tries to take it further. She accuses they of being gay but Alex explains they like man and women but just don't want to do that. 

Alex is having dinner with their parents and they are discussing the Gris' [Vanessa's family] leaving town. Their parents blame them for this and they end up punching their dad in the face for bringing up their sexuality. Their parents throw them out for this and Alex decided to go to Desert Bluffs, although don't think through what they will do when they are there.

***Warning for bad age gap [Vanessa being 17], self deprecation***

When Alex gets to Desert Bluffs, they live in their van until Vanessa find them and invites them to live in their apartment. Alex accepts the offer very quickly and offers to make her a birthday cake and house warming cake. They ask about her age [assuming she's 22] and she avoids the question and refuses the cake by telling Alex they suck at baking. Alex agrees and says they suck at most things. 

Alex continues to feel self conscious as they get weird looks, especially when walking with Vanessa. When they arrive to her birthday party Alex realised she's turning 18 that day. They tell Vanessa that they shouldn't be together but Vanessa gets offended by this and argues that the legal age in Ohio is 16 [in Arizona it's 18] and Alex argues that they aren't in Ohio and there's a power dynamic but backs down quickly when she guilts them about leaving her on her birthday. Daisy suggests they get a new psychiatrist and recommends they ask for a job at the hospital as she and some of her nurses are walking out because they don't like the American healthcare system. 

When they get home Vanessa tries to talk to them but they think she is berating them and keep their head down. Vanessa accuses them of not loving her and they tell her that they do love her but they are uncomfortable with dating someone of her age because of the power dynamic. Vanessa argues that the power dynamic isn't there and Alex relents because they need a place to sleep and shower ad have no other options. 

***Warning for talking about abuse***

Alex gets a job at the hospital on the condition that they see a psychiatrist (Sophie Berry). Alex tells Sophie about the previous abuse they've suffered after Sophie asks why they are so ugly [Alex mentions being ugly first]. 

***Warning for mention of ABA [and first version of 'StrexCollars'], dissociation***

After two years of visiting Sophie, Alex agrees to start ABA using a bracelet Sophie has designed for it. Alex believes the therapy helps [although in reality it's just them doing whatever they can to avoid being shocked by the bracelet]. It has the side affect of Alex's dissociations worse, completely missing the time between leaving the apartment and working on a patient. 

**Another Perspective**

_Strex Parts_

***Mentions of murder, dissociation***

After Alex notices that their door is graffitied on, a man approaches they and invites them to a social club within Strex which is used for an executive to get marketable labour from employees while they do their hobbies. Alex agrees to go to the club but is extremely angry with the subject of the 'club', so plans to and murders the people who attend. 

After murdering the people, Alex dissociates while waiting for Damien [Mallard] and Sam [Reed] to come and punish them. Damien and Sam are actually impressed with their work and Damien offers Alex a job with the caveat that they kill the executive that was paying for the club. Vanessa calls during this time [see Another Long Day for conversation]. 

***Mentions of cannibalism***

Alex asks Sam why she was going to eat to corpses and she tells them it's because she views them as no better than any other livestock. 

_Pre-Citrus and Sunshine / Soft frequencies [Chapter 4]_

Alex sees Sophie about the fact that they tried to tear up Vanessa's acceptance letter and they confess they are scared of Vanessa working with Kevin due to their own experience with someone they had a crush on during their own internship [who now happens to be one of their bosses at Strex]. Sophie tells Alex that their experience isn't universal and that they need to trust Vanessa. 

Vanessa doesn't want to talk to them due to their behaviour, but Alex offers a cooking class so that they are doing something together as an apology. Vanessa takes this as an insult and tells Alex they don't have time to go to a cooking class with her as they work in a hospital. Alex lets her know that they can leave any time that Vanessa asks, and Vanessa denies any danger in her internship choice. She asks Alex if he would give up his job to raise kids [which Alex mistakes as her meaning in the future] and then suggests that they try for kids. Alex argues that she's too young to have kids and it wouldn't be a good idea.

_Alex [Chapter 1]_

***Warnings for Stalking***

Alex, having only had romantic experience from watching movies, thinks Vanessa is kicking them out because they never tried to chase her when she'd broken up with them in the past. As they had always been allowed to stay in the apartment, and Vanessa had always resparked the relationship, they thought that she wanted them to chase her. They, however, were pretty happy that the relationship was over and wanted to still be friends and protect her from their perceived threat from Kevin. They go to pick her up because that's part of their routine but she ignores them.

When they approach Vanessa at her apartment, Vanessa gets scared and Alex goes to show her they aren't a threat but Vanessa perceives this as hostile and attacks them. They then stay outside the station because they are scared of Kevin hurting her [a big point, I'm not condoning this. Don't do it!]. When they see Vanessa and Kevin leave together they try to get Kevin to tell Vanessa that he wants to hurt her but ends up with Kevin telling him off [conversation in chapter 1]. They run away but end up passing out from dehydration and being saved by Daisy who nurses them back to health.

_The Fog [Chapter 5]_

Alex thinks Daniel is super cute but doesn't want to get distracted from 'helping' Vanessa. They end up making out against the side of their van [ due to the affect of the fog].

_Unwelcome Visitor / Unwelcome Visitor [Part 2] [Chapters 6 &7]_

***Warning for Alex getting beaten up, signs of abuse***

Alex confronts Kevin but doesn't want to talk about the actual problem they have. Instead they try to make Vanessa seem like someone Kevin wouldn't want to be with by mirroring things that people [including Vanessa] had said to them in the past. When Kevin calls him them crazy, they throw a punch assuming Kevin would deflect it and throw them out. It hits Kevin and Alex panics, getting half their panicked words out ("It wasn't even that hard, are you crying" said, about to say "Please don't tell dad! I didn't mean to!" but Kevin started talked). 

Kevin throws them out but they turn around and see Kevin there again. 'Kevin' proceeds to beat Alex up and tell them that Vanessa is his. Alex relays this information to Vanessa. Alex is unsure how Vanessa is going to react, so to avoid being slapped (and hoping Vanessa would throw them out), they kiss her. They get scared when she kisses back but are relieved when she does kick them out. (Oh, and they did pay for her to get a new pizza)

As they are leaving, Karen asks about their injuries, telling them that it was actually her uncle (Station management) who beat them up. She shows them the text he sent (in horrors) and Alex is amazing by the writing and asks Karen to teach them. When Alex leaves, Karen's uncle is angry that they spoke to Vanessa and beats them up again but...

***warning for dissociation***

... Alex completely dissociates and we see their inner world, a field of Canna and Delphinium but smelling like roses. There is a woman there called Joy and they share a strawberry lemonade. 

**Turbulence**

_Strex Parts_

***Murder Mention***

Alex talks to Calina, their emotional support android, about what they had done. Calina is very interested in the Smile knife that Alex used as she had borrowed it from Lauren, but waits to tell Alex this. Alex showers and they both settle in the hot tub to relax, Calina confiding in Alex that she is feeling things she shouldn't be able to, as they go against her programming [specifically hers, not all androids]. 

***Mention of slurs, homophobia, transphobia, murder***

The first person to arrive is Daniel. Despite being covered in food, Daniel immediately embraces Alex and they kiss until they run out of breath. Alex's father interrupts them, unhappy to see Alex acting or dresses the way they are. Damien takes care of the situation by shooting Alex's father although Alex was unsure why this was Damien's reaction to seeing such. Alex reacts to the death very much like they have been trained to but worries about Daniel as he seems not to think much about the event either. 

***Warning for Dysphoria***

When they get up to their room, Daniel and Alex take a shower and then relax in the hot tub with Calina. Calina wears a very baggy shirt and Daniel keeps his boxers on. Daniel questions why she is blushing so much and Calina explains that she has two circulatory systems, like Alex. Daniel surprises the two by knowing that most androids have one circulatory system. Through the rest of the conversation, Daniel dismisses her until the subject of hackers comes up, where the two spend time complaining to each other about hackers.

***Mentions of ABA/torture***

Sophie is the next to come to Strex. Dr. Taylor greets her while Karen and Daisy are in the bathroom. They have heard a lot about each other from Alex. She immediately gains Dr. Taylor's interest by showing him the bracelet that she had been testing on Alex. She explains it works by a shock when the microchip detects a negative reaction and sugar when it detects a positive one. 

***Mentions of hypnotics, drugs, tranquilizer use***

Daisy goes with Dr. Reed, who shows her around the labs. Daisy notices a diagram on the wall that seems odd to her, with three drugs that shouldn't be prescribed together. Two of them had potential for use as hypnotics, so when Sam asked Daisy to hand over the fog [the one that made everyone kiss each other from chapter 5], she refuses. She demands that Sam tells her what they are doing with the drugs mentioned on the walls, but Sam refuses. When Daisy tried to run, she is caught by someone as she tries to get open the locked door. The last thing she calls before she passes out is her wife's name [Sophie]. 

***Mentions of vomiting, Calina's sexuality being talked about(? I guess ace-phobia on Strex's part?)***

Karen, after having to vomit from the smell of fear, goes up to Alex and Daniel's room with them. Alex lets Karen know that she doesn't have a job assigned yet as they weren't expecting her so soon. This also meant that Karen didn't have a room of her own as they are distributed by job role. When Karen meets Calina, there is a large amount of romantic desire coming from Calina while she's around Alex and Daniel. Despite this, Calina tells Karen she doesn't experience romantic or sexual attraction [to which Alex tells Calina that Karen is the same]. 

Calina takes Karen up to Damien and on the way Karen tries to get Calina to admit her feeling for Alex and Daniel, telling her to drop the "beep boop, my cyborg heart does not feel love, stuff". Calina warns Karen to keep her voice down, drawing her attention to a microphone and correcting her that she's an android and not a cyborg. 

***mentions of sexual harassment***

When Karen arrives in Damien's room, he immediately starts fantasizing about her in a sexual way. Karen, unsure on whether he knows she can see people's fears and desires or not, uses this to her advantage despite the extreme discomfort it puts her in. She uses it to show Damien that she knows how to manipulate an audience but demonstrating one of the more mild fantasies [whispering in his ear]. Damien mentions having to interview other candidates for the role but thinking she was a good fit. Karen leaves when she notices he's thinking about things going further. 

_Non Strex Parts_

_Unwelcome Visitor Part 2 [Chapter 7] / Drinks [Chapter 8]_

***Mention of murder, alcohol, attempted gaslighting***

After Alex wakes up to Karen's uncle reading one of their books, the man is surprised that Alex isn't scared of him. He suggests Alex goes to see their psychiatrist about their previous reactions. Alex agrees but has to wait until after their work day. They text Daniel throughout the day while they are on breaks. They eventually go to Sophie late at night after she's left. Her receptionist is there and agrees to fetch her as long as Alex didn't look at the computer. 

Sophie arrives and is very obviously drunk, laughing about throwing her drink over Kevin. Alex questions if Karen was there but doesn't press it further when Sophie seems confused about the question [Karen was there]. Sophie questions here receptionist still being at work but after being brushed off by him talks to Alex about why they're there. Alex says they don't want to talk in detail seeing as Sophie is drunk, so she goes back to interrogating her receptionist until he reveals that he plans to report her therapy to the psychiatric board. She kills him for this, turning to Alex and blaming them for the murder. Alex refuses to listen to her, so she resorts to threatening them instead, deleting their record from the computer system and telling them it would be easy to pin it on them, whether they played along or not. She makes a deal with Alex that if they dispose of the body, no one will find out anyway. 

_Texts [Chapter 10]_

***Mention of unhealthy behaviour, ABA***

Daniel text Alex that he likes them and Alex feels bad about keeping texting Daniel after what had happened. They try to put Daniel off of texting them, telling him that they'll phone later and that if he doesn't pick up then Alex will know that he's listened and they'll stop talking. When Alex does call him, Daniel doesn't reply. Alex texts him one last time, lying that they don't like him. They also text Vanessa to apologise. 

Worried about Alex, Vanessa finds then and talks to them about why they texted her. Alex tells her that they feel she was just with them out of pity and Vanessa denies their claim. She explains exactly what happened that made her realise she needed to let them go and Alex tells her about the bracelet and how they were trying to stop it shocking them. Hearing this, Vanessa forces the bracelet off of their wrist while Alex begs her by telling her they 'need it'. She throws it far away and, once they've calmed down some, took Alex to Daisy and Sophie's place. 

_Clean [Chapter 12] /Clean: Part 2 [Chapter 19]_

Sophie looks after Alex as much as she can at work, despite an influx of patients for both of them. They are given a break for a late dinner. They ordered food to Alex's van and started talking about Daniel. Alex admitted that they didn't think they and Daniel could be friends and Sophie agreed, telling Alex not to go to see him. Alex says he doesn't want to anyway and gets upset about the texts Daniel had sent. 

Before they come off of break, Daniel texts Alex that they should talk. Alex doesn't reply but later Daniel calls them instead. [See Clean: Part 2 for conversation]. 

_Dinner [Chapter 14] / after Clean: Part 2 [Chapter 19]_

Alex goes to talk to Vanessa again, stealing her pizza and paying for a new one so he can get up to the apartment. Vanessa comments that they look happy, although seems annoyed herself. Alex tries to thank her but she tells them not to, saying that if they want advice about Daniel, her advice was to stay away from him. Vanessa doesn't give a reason for this, so Alex asks why. Vanessa says "Well, Alex, we all make mistakes about people, don't we?". Alex took this to mean themself [and not Daniel, who it was aimed at]. Alex almost starts crying and Vanessa assures them she is just looking out for them. She tells Alex that Daniel is a dick and Alex tells her that Daniel isn't a dick to them. Vanessa reiterates her concern but Alex snaps that she doesn't know Daniel like Alex does. Vanessa tells them to leave at this. 

**Temporary Happiness**

_Strex Parts_

***mention of murder, stabbing, bullying, harassment***

After a confusing morning of several people apologising to them, Alex finds Sam and Robbie throwing a 'Happy First Murder' party for them in the lab. Sam tries to encourage them on the murder front, while Robbie starts to harass them. Alex gets angry about this and threatens to kill him, so Robbie tells them that he spread the rumour that they were blaming Alex for their dad's actions. Alex restates that he's not interested in Robbie but he continues, leading Alex to stab him in the leg. Sam tends to his wounds. 

***Ace-phobia, blindness/loss of vision***

Calina is watching Karen sleep, waiting for her to wake up to ask her about their conversation the day before. When Karen wakes up, Calina points out that Karen wanting pizza for breakfast is stereotypical and Karen points out that Calina being an android is stereotypical. Karen explains that desires taste like vegetables and are crunchy, so she prefers to eat soft cheesy human food. Calina informs Karen that she's looped the microphones so they can talk about how Karen knows she like Alex and Daniel. Karen explains that she can see fears and desires and how she can tell romantic (pink) from platonic (blue). Calina still refuses (despite having referred to it as 'my problem' earlier in the conversation). Karen asks if all androids are like Calina and Calina restates that she is 'a very special android'. She tells Karen about when Harmony was made, as the first android that had human emotions. As the Mallards made her to be a partner for them, they were disappointed to find out that the correct neural pathways wouldn't fire for romantic attraction and tried hard to '''fix''' her. They eventually realised that this wasn't possible and stopped labelling android's sexuality, instead leaving it up to the android. Karen is (understandable) disgusted by this idea, but asks Calina who told her she was aromantic. Calina refused to answer the question but keeps to saying she's 'a very special android'. Karen replies that whoever it was is a dick and Calina doesn't take well to this, but is interrupted by Harmony with Karen's employment contract.

***Revenge, drowning, mentions of previous abuse, stabbing, dissociation mention, murder mention***

When Alex gets back to their room from work, they can hear Daniel talking about revenge with Robbie inside. Alex interrupts after Robbie asks Daniel what he's needed to get revenge for. Alex questions Robbie being there, Daniel telling him that he wanted to get to know some department heads and Robbie stating he's friends with Alex. Alex immediately refuses that they're friends and Robbie laughs it off, telling Daniel it's because he had shot a party popper in Alex's face. Alex again refuses the reason, but this time leaves to go into the bedroom. Daniel follows and Alex asks if Robbie told him about the men they'd murdered. Daniel confirms this but blames the N.A.P., so Alex explains about the A.P. (aggression principle) and that actually in Strex it's normal to just fight each other if you're unhappy with someone but that they still feel bad because it goes against their oath as a nurse. 

Daniel asks Alex if they spoke to Joy about this and Alex says no, so Daniel asks if Alex was dissociated when it happened. Alex points out that they can barely hold a conversation when dissociated, they wouldn't be able to murder people and that they dissociated afterwards. Daniel drops the subject, so Alex asks what else Robbie told him. Daniel tells him but Alex corrects what Daniel's been told. Daniel admits to Alex that he had realised before but thought it was to do with Vanessa and not Robbie. Daniel offers to punch Robbie in the face (after comforting Alex) and Alex agrees. 

Robbie antagonises Daniel ('off screen'), so Daniel decides to drown him in the hot tub, only giving him enough air to stop him dying. Calina tells Daniel to stop drowning him, which annoys Daniel but he does as she says. Calina dislocates Robbie's shoulder and threats to send Robbie to the 'special unit' if he harms Alex again. 

***Adoption mention, murder, mental health and dissociation***

Daniel invites Alex to go to the canteen for dinner as it's chili night, but Calina stays behind to do paperwork on what had happened. On their way down, they run into Alex's mother, but Alex tells her to fuck off and that Damien killed their father not them. She yells after them but doesn't follow. Daniel questions the fact she's their mother, mentioning that she and their father are both blond. Alex says their hair is just a genetic mutation and their not adopted, that their mother used to wave their birth certificate in their face because Alex used to imagine being from another family. They mentioned she was paranoid when they started dissociating. Daniel comments that Alex's psychiatrist should have called CPS. 

***talk to sexuality, ace-phobia***

Karen finds out that Strex lets employees buy pride flags for their desk and buys a bunch of a-spec ones for Calina. She excitedly shows the woman, but Calina throws them off the side and yells at Karen that she doesn't need her help. Karen tells Calina that she was just excited to finally have an ace friend as the asexual people she'd met in DB assumed sha had to be sexual due to needing to eat people's desires and explains she didn't even know being asexual was a thing for a long time. Calina understands and admits that Karen scares her because there is a lot of expectation for Calina to live up to being a stereotypical a-spec android. She mentions that Damien expects her to be innocent, but that she likes porn and drinking, and also mentions loving the Smiling God, so that it's scary for her that she's feeling attraction to two people. She says she's not what he wanted and that scares her. Karen assures her by telling her to just give Damien the finger, which Calina simply says 'No.' to, so Karen asks to be her friend. Calina agrees on the condition that Karen doesn't force her to label herself. Karen agrees. 

***murder***

Damien asks Alex to come to his office. He tells Alex he knows that their father was with the five men they killed but that Alex let him leave. Damien explains that this is why he shot him and tells Alex that if he can't kill someone, he needs to tell Damien. Damien explains that they don't want Alex killing for fun as then their patients would be in danger, they only want them to kill people who deserve it. Damien explains that that means sometimes Alex won't be able to kill everyone they should and that's expected, so they won't be punished unless they try to cover up people they miss. 

_Non-Strex Parts_

_Thanksgiving [Chapter 17]_

The next time Alex sees Daniel is at Thanksgiving. Alex feels like a princess when Daniel greats them at his apartment and they have a glass of wine together before they go. Daniel keeps denying the outbreak of throat spiders in order to get Alex to continue passionately speaking on the subject (Which Alex picks up on).

***Threat, past abuse, dissociation***

When they get to Kevin's house, Vanessa's father takes Alex to one side and threatens to 'make his father look like a saint' if Alex upset Vanessa in anyway. This causes Alex is dissociate until later when they are watching football. They hear Vanessa say Kevin's name, but when they look over Kevin and Vanessa's father glare at them. Daniel asks if they are still feeling sick, but Alex can't remember telling Daniel they felt sick. 

_Over Wine [Chapter 20] - Happy Holidays Part 4 [Chapter 27]_

***Talk about gender, Talk about sex/masturbation [I'll keep it direct, no details], past abuse***

Alex and Daniel spend more time together and Alex feels more loved than they ever have in their life. They open up to Daniel and ask questions about their gender and transitioning, although don't tell him how they feel about it. Daniel agrees to take things slow and Alex starts to smile around Daniel, despite their teeth. Alex starts to have dreams about having sex with him, although at first they wake up whenever this happens. Eventually, Alex becomes comfortable with these dreams and if they wake up, they masturbate to the thought. Alex decides that they should take the relationship to the next level, if he is comfortable with it. They decide to bring it up when they celebrated Christmas (although Daniel had never celebrated before). 

Alex sets up the whole day to be the same as their fantasies, although is thrown off by clothes shopping where they start to feel down about not being able to look at the women's clothes or makeup. They remember Vanessa throwing glitter over them and painting their face to save them during fashion week. Daniel buys a gift for Alex's sister as Alex had lied about her coming to the Bluffs a while back. 

When they get back to his apartment, they pretend not to want to come inside so that Daniel will invite and are very excited when Daniel invites them to live with him. They are doubly excited, although sceptical of motive at first, when Daniel gives them the lipstick. They are vocal about what they expect for the evening. Afterwards Daniel asks how it was and they are happy. 

_The Day After [Chapter 29]_

Alex wakes up after Daniel has gone to work, so decides to visit Vanessa as their New Year's resolution is to make amends with everyone. At first Vanessa wants to kick them out but they explain they want to apologise and she lets them in. 

***Talk of abuse, hospitalisation, homelessness, homophobia***

Alex confides in Vanessa that his father had put him in hospital and why. They tell her that their friend who was their nurse on the ward was talking about what had happened when their parents came to visit the ward. Their parents said they weren't welcome home, so they told them it was 'just a joke' and that they had a girlfriend. Their parents gave them two weeks to bring this girl home once they got out of the hospital or else they'd throw them out. Vanessa moves to comfort Alex but they flinch away. Vanessa asks why they didn't just move out and Alex explains that they didn't earn enough as an intern, even when they were close to graduating. 

***Suicide attempt, talk about medical treatment [bottom surgery], dissociation, past abuse***

One Alex gets home, they do their make-up, they clean up the apartment and then go to eat the lunch Daniel left for them. Their phone rings and it's Robbie. They decline several times before answering with 'I don't want to talk to you'. Robbie says Alex should get over the past and lets Alex know it's a video call. Alex asks if he called just to make them feel like shit, but Robbie offers them a job instead. Alex declines, saying they'd rather die. Robbie brings up Daniel's medical record and Alex questions how he has that. Robbie explains that 'in this company's business, information drives sales'. Alex hangs up but starts to get paranoid that Robbie knows where they are and that this might put Daniel in danger. 

Daniel comes home and sees Alex 'asleep', but realises that they've tried to commit suicide. He runs over and wakes them up, Alex just telling him it's 'ok' and to hold their hand. Daniel calls the paramedics and Alex is rushed to hospital. 

Daniel brings them roses and a cactus that growled at people who came too close. Once Alex was discharged, they were referred to a new psychiatrist and told to stay off of work for a while. Daniel takes them home and breaks down in tears, apologising to them. Alex decided to tell Daniel almost everything, explaining about their parents and their dissociations, as well as how they felt and how Vanessa and Sophie made them feel. 

The next morning, Daniel has to go to work but leaves a note for Alex to try to get some fresh air if they have the energy to do so. Daniel wrote them a shopping list of self care items including Alex's favourite foods, rose scented bath bombs, and chocolates. As they couldn't drive, they walked and found themself tired when they got there. When they went for groceries, their hip pain got so bad that they had to text Daniel to pick them up. Daniel brings them an analgesic* cream. Alex reveals to Daniel they want to come out to Vanessa and Kevin. Daniel asks why they wouldn't come out to Karen first as they're friends, but Alex says there's a bigger risk if they do that.

* For those who don't know, an analgesic is like an anaesthetic (eg. morphine) but where anaesthetics dull all feelings, analgesics (eg. paracetamol) target pain only. Considering the type of pain, it would be an ibuprofen based one as it would be there to reduce inflammation and because they would likely not be able to take paracetamol (which doesn't reduce inflammation, btw). If you're interested in learning more, just ask. 

_Acceptance [Chapter 33]_

***Post-ABA reactions, dissociation***

When Alex and Daniel get there, Vanessa stares at Alex's lipstick. Alex's arm twitches as they feel a shock run up it, despite not having the bracelet anymore. They see Kevin glaring at it and feel even more defensive, so miss when Vanessa compliments them, starting to yell at her before realising and thanking her. 

The conversation goes as it does in the original chapter.

When Kevin enters Alex's head, Alex feels as if Kevin is physically holding them, stopping them from dissociating. 

The conversation continues as in the original chapter.

When Daniel mentioned Alex being a pariah, Alex they thought about how they tried to make friends. They and Daniel were going to cooking classes, but everyone stayed away from them. They tried to throw parties but no one showed up. They tried online message boards but people stopped talking to them when they found out who they were. 

***dismissive reaction to suicide attempt***

Vanessa asked about the hospital band on Alex's wrist and they explained what happened. Vanessa responded with _'again?'_ to which Daniel defended Alex.

_Vermillion/Dessert [Chapter 37]_

**_*Overstepping boundaries_ ***

Alex and Daniel try to set up Kevin's house so it's romantic, despite Alex feeling like it was an invasion of Kevin's privacy. Daniel assures them that it isn't and they trust him. Daniel replies that 'It's nice, not like when Vanessa oversteps boundaries, or should I say, ignores them completely.' Alex is confused by this but Daniel doesn't clarify. 

***Mentions of sex, feelings on inadequacy (in bed)***

Karen calls Alex, and holds the phone up to the wall. Alex blushes as they hear Kevin and Vanessa having sex. Karen blames the two. Alex covers the phone so Karen can't hear and asks Daniel if they're bad in bed, which Daniel denies. Alex says 'Vanessa was never this loud with me', to which Daniel replies 'She called to make you listen!? Fucking bitch!'. Alex explains it's Karen. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The weathers :
> 
> Outcast : [I Threw Glass at My Friend's Eye and Now I'm on Probation - Destroy Boys](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TbngYdFIxTc)  
> New Perspective: [(Setting Yourself Up for) Sarcasm - Get Scared](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ahN0f0r9JQ) [tw: self harm, suicide, murder, drugs, flashing images]  
> Turbulence:[Waste - Oh Wonder](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ar1grAdGkec)  
> Temporary Happiness: [This is Home - Cavetown](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZM_Gamwxvtc)


	37. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 4 Alt)- A New Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The same as version 1

Kevin stood by the welcoming sign that told travellers that this, the wonderful city they had built in the middle of an unforgiving desert, was a place of happiness and smiles and embodied that message as he waved to the car that was approaching. Kevin had stopped waving for hours, realising that visitors couldn’t actually see him, and instead waited until cars were much closer and the driver could actually see the effort.

Most cars stopped at the greeting. Some ignored him completely. Others screamed because they had no idea where they were or why this disturbing man was waving at them. None made eye contact. 

At least, not until this man. This man looked neither disturbed or surprised by Kevin’s face. This man looked respectful and understanding, but not in a way that suggested something was wrong. It was more like that of a worshipper who knew they would never understand their God’s reality. I bittersweet ache for more than what they knew. A kindness. One that Kevin knew little of outside of distant memories and current prayer. One that Kevin had forgotten the warmth of. The man still smiled and Kevin smiled too. His smile was intoxicating, rows of perfect teeth, dazzling white and gorgeous. 

The man was both recognisable and not. He looked oddly like Carlos and yet the energy that Kevin felt running through him as this man greeted him was far nicer. Far warmer. Far more loving than that of a certain scientist who had left him to die alone, hungry and sad in an empty deserted wasteland. There were no hard feelings, at least.

“Hi, My name’s Charles. I’m a theologist, so I’ve been up in Pine Cliff doing some research on why everyone is a ghost.”

“Oh, that’s my fault.” Kevin had told him, dreamily. Charles looked somewhat confused by the answer but didn’t question it.

“I wanted to come and live in Desert Bluffs, though. I heard about the properties of this desert and it is definitely the most theologically interesting place in the US… after Pine Cliff. It’s pretty hard to beat a place where everyone is a ghost.” 

“Well, we won’t disappoint. We are certainly theological and hopefully, you’ll find us very interesting. I’d love to show you around, sometime.”

“I’m sure I will.”

“So, what are your plans, now you’re here?”

“Well, I heard that you recently built a college. I was hoping to settle down, get a teaching job, and raise my family.” 

Kevin hummed, enjoying the idea that played in his head of this beautiful and this not-so-beautiful man starting a family together. Kevin may have been aware of his flaws, but his positivity (which he’d been working on again quite successfully) would smooth those out. 

The conversation went on for a while. Charles told Kevin about where he was from and why he’d decided to move (several factors which Charles had asked to keep between them and several that he hadn’t). Charles was aware that Kevin was the host of the local radio station and seemed quite interested in listening to his broadcasts, but didn’t really want to hear his more personal reasons for leaving Pine Cliff broadcast. Kevin got the feeling that there were even more reasons, ones that Charles hadn’t even told him, but he supposed that they had only just met and not everyone would want to share their secrets or inner lives with a complete stranger. 

The conversation only ended because Kevin had to leave to do his broadcast. There was an important broadcast going on today, as Lauren had called her first press conference and Kevin had to report on it as it happened. He certainly looked forward to what she was going to say and what new buildings and improvements will be the next to honor their new Desert Bluffs. 

Lauren had announced that they would build a library. She had not consulted Kevin on this and had Kevin been in any mood other than the absolute delight that came with a racing heart and the feeling that every vein in your body could explode with emotion, he would have been sad about that fact. He was not sad, however, he was full of determination. A quick text would obviously sort the issue and put things back onto a more religious path. Kevin didn’t think a library was a bad idea, but with Lauren being newly appointed mayor and already starting to make decisions without him, it seemed like he had to make it clear who ran the town. 

On top of which, Kevin had had a vision. Visions cannot be ignored, especially visions from prophets. Especially visions from prophets from their Gods. Especially not when the town were all coming together, even in their subconsciouses, and the prophet was working with all of the collective knowledge and power of this happy town. 

Fortunately, Lauren changed her statement at Kevin’s suggestion (although Kevin wasn’t sure you could call it ‘changing her statement’ so much as attempting to draw everyone’s attention away from the radios and try to keep their relationship with the Church suppressed), and he was sure the town would be happy with this outcome. Kevin had faith in Lauren, even if he would have to have a word with her about who was in charge, and was sure she would handle the crowd well. 

After the traffic report, he returned his attention to Lauren’s press conference. It had turned very sour and Kevin was regretting putting faith in her at all. She wasn’t even trying to subdue the crowd or calm them down. What was the point of her being the mayor if she couldn’t even do that? Wasn’t that her whole job at StrexCorp? She brought towns to their knees and now she couldn’t even handle a single crowd which Kevin assumed to me a minority of the people in the town? Obviously she couldn’t handle the power he’d given her and he had to fix this himself. 

As the weather played, Kevin stepped in personally. 

“Lauren, what are you doing?” Kevin asked, watching as his friends from the Temple of Joy walked in from the other side of the room, “I thought this was what you were good at?”

“Kevin, I told you already, people don’t want to be ruled by the Church! They want libraries and social programs, not useless and expensive monuments to a God that some of them don’t even believe in!” 

“They should all believe in a Smiling God. Hmm… who taught me that one…? I wonder?”

“You’re doing this on purpose.” Lauren gasped, looking around to the city council behind her, “Kevin, please, I just want what’s best for the town and what’s best for the people in it.” 

“What’s best for the town in the mudstone abyss. I say we call a vote on the matter, with myself and the temple of joy and yourself and your city council.”

“That’s not a fair vote…”

“Then I suggest you  _ choose  _ to go back out there and show this crowd you  _ are  _ on our side.”

Lauren looked between the men and then huffed, leading them outside. 

\---

On his way home, Kevin hummed happily. He was joyous that everything was now going smoothly and to plan. He was joyous that he could share his vision, one that he had had in many ways and many times over the many years and decades but that had only recently been bound together as one coherent narrative, with his friends and family and the whole of Desert Bluffs. 

His phone was ringing and he knew who was calling. Charles. The man who had stolen his heart in a far less gruesome way than he had imagined the next person who stole his heart to have done it. He answered and their conversation, although short, was magical. This was where he was meant to be. This was where he was always meant to end up.

Kevin was happy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No weathers for the alternates, but I may put weathers on specific chapters. If I don't, it's the same as version 1s weather.


	38. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 4 Alt) - Vermillion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charles and Kevin go on a date

Today was a joyous day and it would continue being a joyous day for sure. Even Daisy and Lauren’s lack of help with his outfit couldn’t change the joy that Kevin felt. His stomach was in knots, heart racing in his chest, and everything had to be perfect. He’d settled on wearing his rabbit fur coveralls (a very classy and fashionable outfit which he had made himself) and his rainbow headband to keep his hair out of his eyes. Lauren had suggested using his hair to cover the scar on his forehead and Kevin had tried several styles. It just kept falling to one side or looking weird, so they compromised by covering the scar with the headband. 

He met Charles in the town square, watching him as he walked over. The way the desert light reflected off his perfect hair. The way his teeth shined as he smiled. The way his eyes lit up when he saw Kevin. Charles was equally well dressed and even a greeting had stuck in Kevin’s throat until Charles had spoken to him.

“Hi.” 

“Hi.” Kevin replied, feeling a soft warmth rise in his body. Everything was perfect.

“I booked us a table at Vermillion. I hear from a demon that it’s a nice, romantic spot.” 

“Oh, the new restaurant? It must have been difficult to get a table.” 

“Well, I was on hold for a long time but I know they just do that to make you think it’s busier than it is.”

Kevin hummed in agreement, taking the arm that Charles had offered and letting him lead the way. Their steps fell quickly into sync and with all the small talk out of the way before they got to their table, Kevin was already feeling comfortable and so very alive. Charles had started asking about the Temple of Joy and the way Desert Bluffs Too was run and Kevin had explained about their recent ‘change’ in leadership and the large role the Church played in the running of their community. Charles agreed with Kevin about keeping an eye on Lauren and mentioned how she had seemed hesitant to change her plans from the library. 

It was nice to have someone who saw things his way. Someone who could see the importance of the Mudstone Abyss and who wanted to know more about the giant structure and Kevin’s visions. Charles listened more intently than any audience Kevin had ever had, even his most devoted followers in the Temple of Joy. Charles had apparently been studying the Smiling God, especially since he moved to Pine Cliffs. 

“I didn’t know they worshiped the Smiling God there too. How wonderful! I must see if they have a Temple of Joy.”

“No, they don’t.” Charles replied, sipping his wine, “They worship the Smiling God very individualistically, but that is in part due to not being able to interact with the physical world. It’s a miracle that they were able to set up what they do have. I imagine finding ghost materials would have been very difficult. Apparently, though, all of their buildings just  _ became _ ghost buildings. That must have helped a lot.” 

“Too true. I was wondering if Ethel still broadcasts, although I remember very little about her.”

“Xe are. Did you know Xem?” 

“Oh… sorry. No, not really, we spoke once.” Kevin sighed, thinking. He couldn’t even really remember why they were talking, just that they had and when they had xe weren’t a ghost, “I don’t remember much from back then, if I’m honest with you.” 

“Don’t worry about it. I can tell you’ve been through a lot. I’m here if you ever need anyone to talk to.” 

Kevin didn’t reply, he just nodded. There really wasn’t a reply to such a gesture. They had known each other for less than a week and already Charles was accepting him as himself. Charles was caring for him. Kevin could feel that Charles felt the same way as him and  _ oh!  _ How he felt for Charles! It was a feeling he hadn’t felt in so long. Pure, unadulterated love.

“Maybe we should change the subject for now.” Charles laughed, lighting the whole room with that soft, deep sound, “So, I converted while I was in Pine Cliffs. It’s a pretty boring story, your usual blood sacrifice ritual. Were you always part of the Temple or did you find yourself when you became the prophet?”

“Oh… uhm… Well, that wouldn’t be as much of a change in subject as you think, Charles. No, my father raised me in the arboreal faith. There aren’t many trees in the desert but we used to drive out to a large forest and worship there.” 

“Me too! Although, my mom raised me with religion, not my dad.”

“Well, I still sometimes celebrate. Alongside All Smiles’ Eve, of course. That’s my main focus now.” 

“Maybe we could celebrate All Smiles’ Eve together this year. With Pine Cliff being the way it is, I’ve never really experienced the season with someone.”

“That would be nice.” 

The conversation continued through dinner, going onto light topics and naturally progressing into heavier ones. At one point Kevin had mentioned the bank that they’d set up to help stimulate economic growth by encouraging citizens to save and invest, as well as having a specialist (Savannah) finding ways to decrease tax burdens from Desert Bluffs Too. Charles was not as impressed as Kevin thought he’d be, instead defending the need for communities to pay their taxes and suggesting that banks using trading to drive interest put themselves and the economy at great risk. Kevin argued that banks were required for free trade and the more free their trade, and the less taxes imposed, the more economic growth. Charles disagreed, stating that there would be a larger class gap and that it would devolve into the super-rich getting whatever they wanted and the super poor who would struggle to live. Eventually Kevin noticed Charles becoming annoyed by the topic and agreed to disagree.

The subjects lightened up from there, Kevin talking about the Smiling God and about the wonderful way the Church had been going. Charles spoke about his studies and how he’d decided to go into theology. They drank and drank and talked for so long that neither of them remembered the details and only the main points that each of them raised. At one point, Charles took Kevin’s hand, grinning in a way that sent shivers down Kevin’s spine.

“So, I was thinking… Did you want to come back to my place?” Kevin asked, taking the lead from Charles’ body language. He didn’t reply but instead left a tip on their table and stood for Kevin to lead the way. 

Charles seemed nervous about spending the night, despite his enthusiasm surrounding it. He asked Kevin about his likes, dislikes, what he’d tried before and Kevin had paid close attention to Charles’ answers in return. He couldn’t deny that he was feeling just as nervous as the other. It had been so long, and Kevin wasn’t completely sure that Charles truly wanted him. There had been another person, who looked very much like Charles, who had only wanted Kevin to replace the person they really wanted to be with. Kevin was trying to push these thoughts out of his head but each time Charles spoke the doubt kept coming back.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Charles asked as they stopped for Kevin to unlock the door. 

“I do!” Kevin replied, although he couldn’t look Charles in the eye when he said that, “I really like you, Charles. It’s been a long time for me and I’m worried you’ll be disappointed.”

“Disappointed by what?”

“Well…” Kevin tried his best to think of a nice way to put what he was about to say, knowing that self-doubt was a great way to put people off, “... My last…  _ partner _ … it wasn’t me that he wanted.” 

He waited. Charles hadn’t replied. There was a sinking in his chest that he hadn’t felt all evening. The feeling of being not good enough. The feeling that he got from most people. That he was disgusting. Ugly. Vile. That looking at him wasn’t pleasant and alluring like Charles had made him feel the rest of the night.

“Of course I want you, Kevin.” Charles said, putting a hand on his shoulder, “You’re beautiful.”

“I am?”

“Of course you are.” 

  
  
  


Charles swept him in into a deep, passionate kiss. It was like fireworks between them and Kevin could have sworn he had melted right into Charles arms. Kevin leant against the door, letting Charles step him through it and press him to the other side. Charles didn’t avoid scars, other than when guided away from specific ones by Kevin, and Kevin avoided Charles after confirming that he didn’t want them touched. Kevin had almost forgotten how good it felt to be so close to someone. Nothing between them. Soft. Slow. Passionate. 

When he finally settled against Charles’ chest, he could barely keep his eyes open. Charles’ heart was racing under his fingers. The sound of its rhythmic beating sending Kevin into a restful, bar the dreams, sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> R-rated chapter will be the same as for version 1 ;)


	39. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 4 Alt) - The Next Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charles and Kevin have an enriching conversation

Kevin awoke in the same way he often did, screaming and shivering in joyous terror, although today he was joined by another scream. A beautiful scream. One that made the shivers and wonderfully awful thoughts melt away. As they finished screaming, Charles got up to splash water on his face and Kevin watched in awe and affection as he did. He could simply sit there and stare at Charles the whole morning, though, so he finally got up and made a pot of coffee for them to share. Kevin tried to make breakfast as well, but Charles had said he wasn’t hungry. It was unclear whether this was due to Kevin’s cooking abilities (he was going to make iron filling omelettes with a hollandaise and strawberry sauce) or if it was due to the dreams.

“This happens every night here?” Charles asked, sipping his coffee as Kevin poured his own.

“Yes, it has been for a while now. I can’t really remember when it started.”

“You’re not… scared by that? I mean, surely they have some meaning or reason.”

“No, not particularly. It’s just a simple pleasure that we all share as a community.”

“But people are waking up terrified and screaming every night. Isn’t that alarming?”

“It’s not terror, Charles. It’s Joy! A joyous gift from our Smiling God.” Kevin explained, sitting opposite him. It had been a while since he had felt so happy talking about The Smiling God. Not that he hadn’t felt happy about it before, but it had been partially faded by knowing there was an expectation he would talk like he did in sermons which he had trouble remembering. He knew he could simply speak from the heart about these matters when it came to Charles. Charles understood, “It’s fun to know that the whole town has a shared experience, something to bring us closer together.”

“I see… but what if these dreams are prophetic? Surely there must be something else at play, maybe the Smiling God is trying to tell us something?”

“Well, I think It may have been clearer to me if that was the case. I am after all Its prophet.”

“I suppose… but what’s to say that It isn’t deciding to speak to us as a collective? That It isn’t seeing the town as an extension of your love and devotion?”

Kevin smiled at the sentiment, feeling a warmth at the idea that Charles saw this town as Kevin’s pride the way it truly was, “Well, the Smiling God is a mindless beast that’s soul goal is to devour… so I suppose It may be trying to communicate with the whole.” 

Charles smiled, finishing his coffee. He looked at Kevin with such love and joy that Kevin could almost feel it radiating off of him. Kevin looked at him the same way and he could barely contain himself, “I need to go and meet someone, but I’d love to spend more time with you.”

“Oh? Who?”

“It’s not a big deal.” He said. At first this worried Kevin. It worried Kevin for a few reasons. 

What if Charles was only in town to see how it was? He said he wanted a nice place to settle down but a nice place to settle down is not always the first place you find. Charles was used to Pine Cliff, that followed the Smiling God, sure, and may have gotten used to less blood. He definitely wanted physical contact, so perhaps that’s why Pine Cliffs couldn’t be his forever. Perhaps Desert Bluffs Too was also not what he was looking for. Perhaps Pine Cliff was Charles’ home and this was simply somewhere he found himself. Perhaps he came for research and would then leave. Maybe Charles didn’t really want to be here in the first place. Maybe he came through a door. Maybe it closed. Maybe he was stuck. Maybe he was meeting someone who could help him leave.

What if Kevin had disappointed him? In bed or on their date, although Kevin was sure if he had disappointed on their date it wouldn’t have gone as far as the bedroom. What if Charles was meeting with someone else? Someone more stable than Kevin? Someone with something Kevin didn’t have? Someone like Cecil? Someone who could give him everything Kevin could and more? Was Kevin simply a placeholder for someone Charles really loved? Was he simply there to fill a temporary gap? To make him feel good until he could find real love? To say all the right things to, use, and discard when his real affection was obtainable? Was that all Kevin was useful for?

All of these thoughts were silenced when Charles kissed him. It was a light kiss, not the deep passionate kisses they had shared the night before, but a soft, caring gesture that said  _ ‘I really like you’. _ Then he left.

As soon as the door closed, Kevin couldn’t help but smile. All three of his mouths pulled into wide genuine smiles, not the poor mockeries they taught at the Temple but real, pure, joyous smiles. It hurt. It hurt his scars like they hadn’t hurt in a long time. It hurt as glass embedded itself in his flesh. It hurt as the coffee that was still in the pot splashed on him, scalding him. It hurt so wonderfully and the pain could do nothing to even dull this magical feeling. 

His whole day, he wore that smile. Daisy had urged him to relax his face but he couldn’t, even as she pressed alcohol into the wounds. They would heal themselves, the problem had been that they had healed around the glass and it was very obvious that Kevin had it embedded under his skin. She had to cut them out individually. Even as she made passive-aggressive comments about how he had broken all the glass in their house as well. Even as she made him clean their house. She suggested he didn’t go out until he stopped smiling, although seemed rather annoyed with him rambling to her about Charles the whole day. Her patients hadn’t seemed to mind, so he wasn’t sure what the problem was. 

When his smile did finally fade, he still kept a pleased grin. He didn’t feel the need to show his teeth like he normally did, simply allowing his joy to show. Several people commented on it, saying he was glowing and mentioning how he was turning the sand to glass under his feet and gasping in joy for him. Some even pointed at his feet, yelling things like  _ ‘don’t stand on the carpet, it’ll catch fire!’  _ and  _ ‘Kevin, get out of here! You’re ruining the tiles!’. _

  
  
  


__


	40. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 4 Alt) - A Small Disagreement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lauren and Kevin have a disagreement (same v1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unless you're only reading v.2, this is a placeholder. Sorry.

“Ok, Lauren, I understand that but  _ why _ would it get in the way of such an important project?”

“I don’t think you’re listening to me at all.” Lauren sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose with frustration, tired from arguing with everyone around her about something that wasn’t even her idea. She hadn’t smiled in at least a week. She hadn’t realised just how draining it was  _ not  _ to smile. At Strex she’d always smile in public, always speak to people with a smile on her face, no empathy needed. Here she had to consider feelings and change her expression based on the seriousness of the situation and the emotions of the people she was talking to. It was hard. It was even harder coming home and being far too tired to even give her own wife a smile. 

“Well, I  _ am  _ listening but you keep telling me about jobs and families and schools. You’re talking about you, not all my devout believers!” 

“Kevin, your methods of running a cult are lacking. While you don’t indoctrinate properly, people are going to be unhappy. If they’re unhappy, you need to consider their needs. This isn’t about me, it’s about the town. I would love to be happy and smiling and worshipping…” She explained, lowering her voice to add,  _ “... somewhere away from you.”  _

Kevin laughed. It was a laugh of disbelief and offense but a laugh, “ _ Lauren…  _ I run my  _ religion  _ perfectly fine, thank you. You should remember who the prophet is.”

“You should remember who the finder of the prophet is,  _ Kevin.”  _

“Lauren, please. That holds  _ no  _ rank in the Joyous Congregation and I refuse to allow you to set up a People’s Church of The Smiling God.”

“I’m not suggesting…  _ Look,  _ this isn’t about religion. It’s about a landmark and I agree that we need one but, I do, I just know that there is only so productive a person can be without the correct treatment and training.” 

“Stop that.” Daisy interrupted, not looking up from her book, “People are free here, you can’t turn them into slaves Kevin.”

“It’s a mandatory volunteer project, not slavery.” Kevin argued, ducking away from the cushion that was thrown at him, “Fine, we can treat them better. I won’t budge on the building, so you’ll need to reduce working hours.”

“The economy will crash!” Lauren blurted out, confused to where this idea even came from, “People will have less money, less will get done! No buying, so no demand, so no market… we’ll crumble the town.”

“Nonsense! We simply have to make small communes near the build site, then people will have less need for money and will share resources, work, and build bonds!” 

“Communes? You-...  _ ha-... _ Kevin, you can’t be serious.” She wanted to choke him, she truly did. She wanted to just ring his neck out, “You want our town to change from a completely free market system to a communist hellscape? What is wrong with you?”

“Now, now, Lauren. The change will be temporary and we can retain the market. We keep the economy flowing, provide food for workers and keep them in their normal jobs so they don’t get lazy and then when the mudstone abyss is finished, we run friendly propaganda to remind people how much they hated living in communes. Of course, we’ll run some friendly propaganda to tell them they love their communes while they’re in them.”

“ _ How?” _

“Simple. We seize all property and keep tabs on whose things are whose and then give them back after.”

“That doesn’t answer the questions, Kevin.” Lauren sighed, honestly finished with this conversation, “Ok… listen, no seizing weath. The Congregation has enough to help, then they should help. It’s a religious monument.”

“I’m glad you’re agreeable now, Lauren.”

“Whatever, Kevin.” She finished, waving him away. He didn’t seem to have a problem with leaving, although she was sure his presentation of this conversation would be the bigger problem. 

She understood Kevin’s issue. Indoctrinating masses of non-believers was far harder than keeping an indoctrinated mass as one. Although everyone in Desert Bluffs Too was ‘part of the Joyous Congregation’ that didn’t mean everyone was  _ part of _ the Joyous Congregation. While it was true that Lauren and Daisy had started attending mass, it was more out of force than anything else. Lauren never attended in Strex, at least not since she was very young, and she understood the people who didn’t want to attend. Daisy had helped her to understand those who didn’t so much as believe. 

She wanted the best for her town and at the moment, that was a public library! That had been put on hold. Yes, this landmark would be great for tourism. Yes, the Smiling God deserves a monument. No, it wasn’t a top priority. Still, the Congregation ran things. She was just a figurehead and a pretty powerless one at that. She’d abandoned doing paperwork for trying to calm people and keep the order. She’s abandoned most meetings to help get this thing done and out of the way. She’s abandoned any idea that she was more than a face to Kevin’s leadership.

\---

It would take a while to set up the tents and things that people needed, but Kevin was used to hard work. Not to mention, he had help from the other leadership of the Joyous Congregation. They even set up a larger tent for the storage of the food and water that people would want as they dug this pit. He wasn’t upset by the pathetic amount of work Lauren had gotten done, but wondered why exactly she’d been so unproductive in doing it. This was a square, not a circle! Why would there be a square, Lauren? Do you not know how to make a circle? She probably didn’t. He couldn’t blame her for that, but he’d have to spend some time taking down these guides and setting up others. He was sure the rest of the town would help with that part. 

Still, his productivity was even more than his usual. His mind was filled with sweet thoughts and joyous feelings. His blood was rushing so fast he could feel it as it hit his chest. He couldn’t get Charles out of his head. The way his hair fell in those beautiful thick curls. The way his eyes glowed in the light. The radiant, joyous energy that poured off of the man. Everything about him made Kevin beam. They’d already scheduled their next date and Charles had been texting him cute pictures of cats and gifs of giant spiders eating small animals. He couldn’t wait to see him again.


	41. A Beach Without Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin meets Donovan.
> 
> [Changes in dialogue, not too many on this one]

“I think that’s enough for today.” Charles laughed and it was magical. Everything about the man was magical. Even as he’d just watched Kevin absolutely fail at an arcade game he’d been saying he used to play all the time, Charles smiled and filled Kevin with such heat and light and joy. 

“I suppose,” Kevin replied, lacing his finger’s with Charles’ as he took his hand. Charles ran his thumb over the bumpy skin underneath it but never once looked disgusted or put off by the feeling. 

He led Kevin outside and then Kevin led him towards the beach. 

“Is this really a beach, Kevin?” Charles asked as they walked across the arid landscape, looking out on sand and more sand. Kevin followed the path of the beach still, his eyes focusing on Charles more than the beautiful hills and dips that made up their beach.

“Of course. Why not?”

“Well, there’s no body of water. Surely to be a beach you need a body of water?”

“Oh, Charles.” Kevin smiled, “There’s sand. So much sand. Once you cross the sand, eventually, you’ll find water. So much water. Where? Somewhere. When? That’s a matter of faith.”

Charles laughed. It was a beautiful laugh. One that made everything OK. One that could make even the saddest person happy again. Kevin couldn’t help but enjoy the closeness. Emotional and physical. Their hands linked. Their hearts and minds open and ready to feel joy, not just in the Smiling God but within each other. 

“You know, Kevin, I used to think that there would be no one who would accept me. I used to see a desert of people, all turning away. When I moved to Pine Cliffs I realised, there was water somewhere. Maybe I should have had a little faith.”

“Well, everyone in town likes you here. Maybe, you’ve found your ocean” Kevin assured him, although Charles’ reaction wasn’t what he’d expected. Had he said something wrong? The man’s smile faded for a moment and when it came back it was radiant, as always, but not as happy as Kevin had liked, “I know that I have. I used to believe no one could look at me without reeling. Without screaming _'no, your eyes!'_ or _'Stay away from me'._ ”

“I can't believe anyone would do that to you.” Charles frowned, “I like that. Maybe I have found my ocean in you, Kevin.” 

“Of course. We all need time to settle into new homes and new families. We all need time to adjust to new lives and roles...  Oh, the food trucks are just down here. Did you want to get some food?”

While they ate, Kevin and Charles discussed the messages of the Smiling God. Kevin had been getting a lot of visions of the Mudstone Abyss and having the town on board and helping with the project was certainly easing his mind. Charles had mentioned that the town seemed a lot less religious than he had previously imagined and asked if this was what it was always like but Kevin didn’t think it was. Most of the time his sermons were full, he thought, it was hard to remember as he seemed to be converting messages directly. Charles pointed out that he seemed to channel the Smiling God in such a passionate and joyous way that he wouldn’t be surprised if Kevin was literally possessed when giving them. Kevin blushed at this but didn’t say anything.

After dinner they sat, looking out over the beach. 

“Today has been joyous. It's amazing what amazing company can do." Kevin chuckled, "Maybe we can extend it? What do you say? I have a bottle of wine and a warm bed that needs some attention."

“That's tempting, Kevin, but I actually need to get going.”

“Oh? Why? I haven't offended you, have I? We don't need to have sex if that's the problem.”

“Kevin…” Charles started, looking down at his feet and then back into his eyes. Whatever news he was going to deliver, Kevin could tell it wasn’t good, “...you fill me with such joy and I don’t want to keep secrets. I should tell you, I have a son…”

He knew what was said after that, but he knew he wasn’t present for it. He tried to ground himself, although he was sure that the fact he was trying to showed he was past the worst of it. A moment ago he’d forgotten who Charles was completely. It normally took a while for him to realise what had happened but it was so short that it just seemed to hit him like a brick wall. What had done it? The fact Charles had a son? That changed nothing about Charles, right… although it changed a lot for him. The fact Charles’ son could have been named anything,  _ anything,  _ and yet fate had made him fall in love with a man who had named his son ‘Donovan’? He had gotten over most of his time in the old Desert Bluffs, most of his life he’d gotten over, he was certainly over Vanessa - she hadn’t appeared in quite some time and he barely thought of her outside the anniversary of her death - but he’d not even acknowledge Donovan. His Donovan. The Donovan who could have easily been a Donna. He hadn’t acknowledged them since… since Strex. Since Lauren had brought them up. How could he be over something he had never faced. 

“Well, I’d love to meet him.” 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” Charles said and Kevin could tell that he had seen the panic on his face, despite his smile which he had become morbidly aware of now, “Kevin. I think you would be great around Donovan.”

There were so many feelings inside Kevin that he wasn’t sure what half of them were. Yes, he wanted to meet Donovan and he wanted to continue this relationship. Yes, he wanted more time alone with Charles to truly know him and learn every bit about who he was. Yes, he was scared of being a father, especially to a son who would constantly remind him of the child he’d lost. Would he even be a good father? There was a time where he knew in his heart that he’d be a good dad but now… now he was a twisted shell of that man. One that had had himself ripped from his own body and reassembled into a new and different person that was nothing like the old one. One that had fought so hard and lost so much. Was he even really scared of the fact that he would need to care for another being than himself or was he scared that that being could very easily and painfully be ripped away at any second with no warning? 

He was happy. Happy that Charles trusted him to be a part of his child’s life. He was scared. So scared. Terrified. Terrified and not in the good way. He was anxious. He was lost. He was confused. He was joyful. He was annoyed. Annoyed at himself for not showing this joy. Annoyed at being confused and sad and desperately in love. 

“I’m not suggesting we have to be serious right now, we can figure that out with time.” Charles continued as Kevin realised he had been staring at the man in silence, an expressionless vessel of nothingness, “Maybe we should go back to mine. I just need to pick up Donovan from Grandma Josephine. She’s been babysitting for me.”

Kevin opened his mouth to speak but ended up just nodding, forcing the smile back onto his face.

As they collected Donovan, Charles introduced Kevin to him and him to Kevin. Donovan said nothing, even when Kevin offered his most joyous greeting. It was hard to do. Seeing him, this boy. He was small. Not small for a five year old but Kevin hadn’t really paid attention to the size of Savannah’s children. He was paying attention to Donovan. The drive back to Charles’ house was also quiet but Kevin kept smiling. He had to. He must. He kept counting, too. Daisy had taught him to count. To focus on a clock and try to keep to 60 each minute, or count along with the second hand if the clock had one. He tried so hard. He had to. 

At Charles’ house he sat. Stiff. Tense. Watching. 

The boy played with planes and Charles spoke about his plane collection, and how Donovan wanted to be a pilot. He asked about the schools and what programs they were thinking of adding for the children. The PTA, Kevin knew what that meant but it had taken a minute to register that that was what Charles had meant. 

He left just before Donovan’s bedtime. Kevin had wanted to stay. He had wanted to cuddle, to feel Charles’ heartbeat, to have those soft touches that Charles had given him before. Charles said he was tired and that he’d call but Kevin wasn’t sure that he wanted Charles to call. 

The night had been exhausting for him and it had obviously been exhausting for Charles. All of his fears and doubts that he tried so hard to push down and squash had simply risen back up and made Kevin feel them far more than he had before. Kevin couldn’t be a father. Kevin could barely look after himself, nevermind another life. Kevin could feel the tearing inside him that he simply wanted to be first in someone’s eyes… but he wasn’t. He never would be. 


	42. [Act 4 Alternate] Ghosting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The same as v1

“How are things with Charles?”

He’d hoped the question wouldn’t come up. He’d honestly assumed Lauren would want to talk about the mudstone abyss and continue telling him how terrible his ideas around it are. She just seemed to ignore that topic instead. 

“Well, Daisy…” He started, although he wasn’t sure what he was going to continue with. He didn’t really want to talk about it. He didn’t want to talk about Donovan or what had happened, although they had probably heard him talk about them on the radio, “... I’ve been very busy with the Mudstone Abyss. As the prophet, It’s extremely important that I’m there for the people and overseeing this operation. Especially as  _ some people _ are making it harder to talk to the people.”

“It’s not my fault that people don’t enjoy your ideas, Kevin.” Lauren hummed, in between two verses of the song she was humming. It was jarring on him, being a hymn from The People’s Church. He would say anything, yet, instead making a disapproving noise. 

“So you haven’t spoken to him yet?” 

“No. Not yet. I will. I’ll call… or text… or pick up his calls.” 

“Kevin, if you need space then you need to tell him. If you can’t handle being with him, you need to tell him. I-...”

“I want to be with him, Daisy.” He turned his attention to the remote, pretending to have an issue with it, “I don’t just get to pick and choose my reactions. I’m happy with Charles. I like Donovan. I just… I hadn’t thought about it in so long, except when  _ someone _ would remind me for some reason.”

“That’s not a conversation you’re ready for or that you’ll like.” Daisy sighed, finishing setting up the table and taking a seat next to him, “You want a session to talk about it? I know, I know, I said I don’t want to talk about children with you, but this is obviously affecting your relationship.”

“I could always-...”

“No.” Daisy interrupted Lauren and Kevin looked back up to them. They seemed to be having a whole conversation by just looking at each other with a range of odd expressions. At first Lauren looked like she was saying  _ ‘he needs to know’  _ but Kevin couldn’t tell what Daisy’s expression meant. Then Lauren made a face like  _ ‘when?’  _ but again, Daisy was unreadable. Then  _ ‘it’s been a long time, I love you but he’s at least stable so why are we still keeping things from him’.  _

“What is it?” Kevin asked reluctantly.

“It’s nothing.” 

“Thank you, Sweetie Belle,” Daisy said, offering Lauren a smile and a kiss then turning back to Kevin, “Lauren will be here for me afterwards. It’s not going to help you to keep this bottled up.”

“I’m not bottling it up, that’s sad and I am quite happy!”

“Alright, but you are ignoring it. Tomorrow, come and talk to me. If you want me to talk to Charles, just tell me, but you’ll need to talk to him at some point. What if he comes to one of your sermons?”

“He’s not coming to sermons yet. He’s not technically part of the Joyous Congregation yet. He wants to, but he keeps to his ‘study sessions’.” Kevin scoffed, rolling his eyes, “Who thought that ‘study sessions’ was a good idea? Whoever is responsible for the Students of A Smiling God really didn’t think of recruitment, did they? Who wants to come to a ‘study session’.”

“You. They’re there because of you.” 

“I meant their prophet, Lauren.” 

“I think we’re getting off topic.” Daisy interjected, giving Lauren a look.

“I’m just saying, their prophet obviously has no idea what she’s doing. What would her parents think?” 

Lauren threw her arms up, confusing Kevin completely. Lauren was never a member of the Students, so why was she so defensive of this? Daisy had given her another one of her unreadable looks. 

\---

As soon as the day's sketches were finished, Kevin went to see Daisy. It had been a good day and the support was far better than it had been in the past few weeks. They were almost ready to start digging, which was the larger challenge. With the sketches they only needed a select few people on the building site each day but in the next couple of days they would need everyone to start digging the abyss. 

Charles had called but Kevin had avoided it. He’d texted, but Kevin had no idea how to answer. What used to be so easy, talking to the perfect man, had suddenly become one of the hardest things he’d ever done. He wasn’t used to not knowing what to do. He wasn’t used to avoiding someone he loved.

Daisy had made him coffee when he got there, although she seemed too on edge to need caffeine. She’d barely look at him. 

“Donovan…” She said, staring at the ground next to Kevin, “Donny… you and Vanessa were going to call your child that?”

“Yes. We were.”

“What if they were a girl?”

“Donna.” 

“I thought so.” Daisy nodded, going quiet. She was tapping her pen against her notes. The noise seemed to amplify the awkwardness of the conversation. The conversation had barely even started and it already seemed unbearably tense, “So… What… uhm… how long were you guys trying before ‘the event’.” 

“Please don’t do that. But… We weren’t. Does that matter?”

“No. It just helps me know whether there would be additional stressors there. If you’d been trying for a long time, you would have had the name for longer, so… it just helps me think about how to approach this. Honestly, I’m at a loss here. I met my children and it was hard enough to say goodbye to them.” 

“You said goodbye? You said you didn’t…”

“No, I mean, when they were young.” Daisy sighed, rubbing her neck, “I didn’t say goodbye before I left, they were already gone. You probably don’t know this because you’re the prophet but most people don’t raise their kids at Strex. Strex does. Someone like me, who still had a collar, doesn’t even get to visit.”

“Well… that’s not happy.”

“No. Although, I’m not sure they’d have been safe in Strex with me.” 

Kevin didn’t respond, not wanting to make things worse than they already were. Daisy looked sad. Daisy often looked sad but recently she’d looked less sad. Lauren had even mentioned Daisy being excitable and happy. 

“Is it really the name, or is that just making something else worse?”

“What would it be making worse?”

“How would you be as a father?”

Kevin considered the question for a moment. He knew what he thought but it wasn’t exactly what he wanted to tell Daisy. Therapy is about being open and honest to get the most help but Daisy wasn’t just his therapist, she was his friend. He didn’t want her to judge him because he, the prophet of the Smiling God who was meant to help everyone find their happiness, was concerned that he wouldn’t be able to give a child a happy life. That he wouldn’t be able to have a happy life with a child.

“I just want to have time with Charles. If Donovan is around, I can’t touch him or kiss him.”

“You feel like you’re sharing his love?”

“Yeah.”

Daisy took a deep breath, “Well, I hate to preach to the literal prophet but… Kevin, we all share the Smiling God’s love, right?”

“Of course. Although I’m Its favourite.”

“Right… does that mean that the Smiling God doesn’t love us? Because Its love is shared?”

“No, It loves us all.”

“Exactly. Charles can love you and Donovan. You need to talk to him and explain that you need to work out with him how and when he can give you attention and emotional support. Listen to him, he knows what’s possible and what’s not.”

Kevin looked away, scratching his neck but agreed with what Daisy said. He wasn’t exactly sure how he was going to bring up the conversation when he’d been ghosting Charles for so long already. He didn’t know how to approach it and worried. What if Charles was offended? What if Charles didn’t want to give him attention too. 

“Oh, and Kevin… tell Charles about your children. Talk about it. He should know.” 


	43. YOUR GHOSTS (Act 4 Alt) - Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same as original version

Everything was going well, which put Kevin on edge for some reason. He had hoped everything would go well, that people would come in and help with the Mudstone Abyss and that everything would be on track but he was still on edge. 

He hadn’t spoken to Charles yet. It had been weeks, maybe even a month, since they last spoke now and as more and more time passed it got harder and harder for Kevin to even think about calling him. He’d picked up the phone several times but then just held it against his ear without typing in Charles’ number, or without pressing the call button. Each time he’d end up putting it down again and staring at it instead. At one point it exploded but fortunately put itself back together as seemingly everything in this desert tended to do. _Everything._ Sure that included him and Charles, right? The perfect man had walked into his life and he was going to ruin it over some unresolved feelings of doubt and loss? 

_“No…?”_ He said out loud to himself at this thought and picked up the phone again. He still didn’t dial the number. Instead he started his broadcast, trying his best to ignore the device in his hand. Instead he kept his eyes on his computer, where he was watching Lauren’s press conference with closed captions. He relayed the information to the listeners, Lauren spreading positive vibes about the outpouring of support _finally._

He’d seen the progress earlier, the pit was starting to get wonderfully deep, deep enough that the carving had begun on the higher parts of the monument. The Smiling God was obviously proud, as the symbols being carved were glowing with Its radiant light. What a beautiful monument, in a beautiful town, with such beautiful people. At least, the people were beautiful when they weren’t fighting. Kian and Kelton had come into the studio before the broadcast and he was honestly confused about the whole thing.

\---

“What?” 

The man looked to his partner for a moment, making ‘uh-huh’s and ‘yeah, ok’s down the phone. He was worried about what the phone call must be about, as they didn’t tend to get phone calls here. The town was happy, which meant crime rates were extremely low, but obviously not zero. Unless it was a personal call. It could have been a personal call. 

“We need to go.”

Alright, not a personal call. 

Kian collected his smile knife, which had been on his desk, and strapped it to his belt before following Kelton out of the station. Kelton had really explained what was going on, which made Kian extremely nervous. It wasn’t like he’d never seen crime before, after all they used to be part of the Sheriff's Secret Police back in Desert Bluffs. He didn’t remember much about it, although it was pretty boring. He just did surveillance. Mainly of showers, as he took no interest of the people in them, only of what illegal activities they might have been doing. It was much better here in Desert Bluffs Too. Not only did he have a second job, and a third one, in the Temple of Joy and the City council, but even as a police officer he got to go around the town and talk to everyone, rather than just shouting things like “DO NOT TOUCH THE BIRDS!”. 

By the looks of things, they were going towards the Mudstone Abyss, which made sense as everyone in town apart from themselves and Kevin were there. They had to be. 

The closer they got to the monument, the brighter the light that was shining ahead of them got. Kian was sure that this must be a holy light given by the Smiling God (but it was not melting their face off, so wasn’t the actual Smiling God Itself - which he was glad about as he valued his face). 

That wasn’t what they were there about. As they pulled up to one edge of the pit, they realised that the shaking wasn’t simply their old and worn out car but the ground beneath it. Out to the left of the car they could see Ryan Nichols, yelling at someone across the pit.

“FREE TREE GNOME HONEY SACKS!” 

Kian had no idea what he meant, turning to another worker who looked extremely aggravated by this and made several odd sounds at him. He shrugged this off as simply another language, but that didn’t really explain Ryan’s behaviour. Ryan spoke English, so he should be able to understand him but he couldn’t. Instead he turned to Kelton, “What do we do?”

“That, first.” Kelton grimaced as he pointed behind Kian, but rushed past him before Kian could take in the gesture. Two people were wrestling each other on the ground and everyone seemed to be in panic, “Cucumber! Pumpkin Vanilla fire.” 

“What are you saying?” Kian asked but Kelton just looked at him with confusion.

“Tyranny yellow hat racks.” 

“Yellow hat racks?”

“Yogurt brioche wilted sun.” 

“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

\---

Kelton furrowed his eyebrows. Kain had obviously been overcome by the same thing the rest of these people had. He was talking nonsense. They had to go and inform mayor Mallard and Kevin, at the least because they would be able to try and calm and guide these people but also because they hopefully knew what was going on. Kevin had written the Book of Devouring and Lauren had been high up in the Church before The Joyous Congregation had been formed, so she might have some kind of ancient knowledge that could help.

“Come on, back to the car.” Kelton pleaded, grabbing Kian’s arm and pointing at the vehicle. 

“Watermelon bicycle!”

“I know, buddy. It’s ok, we’ll figure this out.” 

They were quiet on the way to the radio station. When they arrived, Kian stepped out of the car first, Kelton moving around the car to guide him inside. Kian seemed confused by this but Kelton assumed it was part of his confused speech. He rushed him up to Kevin who was getting ready for the broadcast.

“Kevin, we need you-...” They turned to each other, Kelton surprised at Kian talking normally. Kevin looked between them, but Kelton wasn’t sure what to say anymore. 

“Mind telling me what’s going on?” Kevin asked, “Something wrong?”

“There’s a bunch of fights down at the Mudstone Abyss.” 

“Yeah, and everyone is talking funny, like saying random words. Kelton was doing it too.”

“No I wasn’t, you were!”

“Uh, I was speaking perfectly normally. Just because you have selective hearing doesn’t mean I was speaking like you and those other people.”

“You told me ‘banana tango alpha rays.’ What is that meant to mean? … and don’t bring that into it! I said I’d empty the dishwasher when we get home! You’re the one not listening!” 

“Ok, Ok.” Kevin sighed, waving his hands to stop the two arguing, “So you both thought you were speaking normally and the other wasn’t. That means that whatever is causing this only affects speech, not what we’re thinking.” 

“Yeah, that makes sense, I guess.” Kian nodded, “I think the Mudstone Abyss is caus-...”

“No. No, it’s not.” Kevin laughed, although it didn’t seem like a happy laugh.

“But it’s happening near the Mudstone Abyss.”

“Coincidence.” 

“Really?”

“Yes.”

Kian and Kelton looked at each other and then at Kevin. They just nodded and gestured towards the food, “We’re going to go tell Mayor Mallard so she can address the town.”

“Maybe mention it in your broadcast?”

“I’ll mention it.” Kevin agreed, “Although fighting is not happy news. Make sure Lauren calms everyone down.” 

\---

Well, Lauren’s speech hadn’t gone well. Kevin had been sent a transcript and was reading it on the radio. He could see what Kian and Kelton were talking about when they said that people were making no sense. It was as if Lauren’s speech was being written by a random word generator. On the plus side, it had calmed down most of the town. Everyone was so confused, the dark shadows that were coming from the abyss were going further and further through town, making things even more widespread. It wouldn’t be long before they got near the studio, so Kevin prepared to go to the weather as soon as he realised he could communicate anymore. He wasn’t sure how long it would last but if nothing else, he could at least just replace the broadcast with pre-recorded messages. He just hoped he could hear the errors in his headphones.

It happened much faster than he’d expected, at least wanting to get the traffic report out first. It was someone he couldn’t really miss. He tried his hardest to push through it and get the words out. He was already having a bad enough day without having to try and force words that were coming out completely wrong! 

_‘Fine’_ He thought, just taking the broadcast straight to the weather. 


End file.
